6:66 PM Page #5

---

N... No, I don't.

Yeah, you do. You've got enough

whore makeup on to be a clown.

Hah, I just use

a little bronzer, that's it.

Hmm. And you're

just a lying little b*tch.

LORRAINE:
Touch.

JIMMY:
Heh.

[SCREAMING]

LORRAINE:
It isn't going to start!

Keep going!

DANIEL:
In hindsight, this

probably wasn't a great idea.

SHERYL:
Ugh, Taking this gig?

Tell me about it.

God dammit, we're off the grid.

Can't even check Facebook.

Do you remember

how far we are from town?

Like, what

five miles? I don't remember.

(Laughing) We are not going out

there. Hello? Stranger danger.

That's a good point.

Probably a lot more

dangerous out there than

in here with a possessed killer.

The devil you know, right?

Hey, maybe he

can't leave the house.

[DISTANT DOOR SLAM]

[CRUNCHING OF LEAVES]

These boots weren't

meant for running, Pete.

Okay. I think

I have an idea.

PETER:
Okay.

LORRAINE:
So the evil spirit in that

dead body has an hour time limit,

so the clock is ticking.

I kind of missed

the whole origin story.

Just listen. All we have to do

is hunker down and wait it out.

That makes sense. Actually,

none of that makes sense.

Okay. So here's the plan. I'm

gonna go hide in the dead cat

shed over there and

you're gonna go get the camera.

phew, no. no. no, that... what?

Someone's gotta film this, Pete.

I mean, this is like the "Blair

Witch Project" times twenty.

I mean, think about the money

and the job security, Pete.

I'm thinking about not

getting raped in the

ass and murdered by

that thing back there.

I mean, we could probably

get another job somewhere.

I don't see him. Maybe he

followed Lorraine and Pete.

[LOUD CRASH OF TWISTED METAL]

[EXHALES] I held my breath

for a full minute that time.

Whew. That is not

bad for someone with asthma.

Oh, God, I don't believe this.

Huh, What?

Ugh, I just had a thought.

Lorraine said she'd give me

that free spa weekend, right?

DANIEL:

Mm-hmm.

But this new situation, does it

change that? I mean, what

what if something happens to

her? Do I still get the weekend?

It was a verbal agreement.

Hmm, great. So I'm

gonna get screwed.

She better live,

that's all I have to say.

No. No, no, no, no.

Judge Judy would say that

it's legally binding. She...

she'd rule in your

favor on that one.

[BRANCHES SNAPPING

AND A DEEP GASP]

Please tell me that was you.

Unh-unh.

[SCREAMING]

[GOATS BLEATING]

LORRAINE:

Hold still.

PETER:

I am holding still.

[GOATS BLEATING]

The goat's over there.

I don't want him to attack us.

Why would the goat attack us?

Wouldn't you be pissed off if

you were f***ed in the ass by

a crazy psycho killer?

[GOATS BLEATING]

I ain't afraid of

no goats. Let's go.

[CHIMES AND MARIMBA]

I think we lost him.

Okay. What do we know about

this Jimmy Beck ghost guy?

He was probably

bullied a lot as a child,

maybe even some

as a ghost. I don't know.

I bet no one

went to his funeral

and that hurt

his feelings and... and

caused him to become even

more of a sicko freakish

psychotic killing machine.

No. I mean, why

would he want to hurt us?

We're not

his style. Think about it.

His issues are

tranny clown midgets.

You have to say

transgender little people.

Do you think Daniel

and Sheryl are ok?

Ah, the universe

protects idiots, Pete.

I would've cast the girl from

the condom commercial,

but she didn't

f***ing call me back.

Uh, Lor... Lorraine?

I could get a

film deal from this.

Even better, I could

get a book deal from this.

I mean, this could probably

put me back on the map.

Lorraine?

What?

Where's the cat?

[DEAD MOANING CAT]

[TORTURED CAT]

Listen to me. We're

not his demographic.

You're right.

That's profiling 101.

I should've known that.

Mm.

This guy's breaking all

the serial killer rules, Sheryl.

Do you want to stick

around and tell him, Daniel?

Ahh!

Oh, ahh.

Okay, girl. Get it together.

You can do this.

You take pilates twice a week.

You are Lorraine Taylor.

You're gonna have a

major book deal from this.

[PETRIFIED CAT MEOWING]

Peter?

[PETRIFIED CAT MEOWING]

Huh!, F***ing zombie cat.

[PETRIFIED CAT SCREECHING]

This is why I'm a dog person.

[PETRIFIED CAT SCREECHING]

Hey! Ow!

Oh, Peter, thank God.

I didn't know where you were.

You were worried about me?

You have the flashlight.

I think I lost an earring.

Of course.

Thank you.

Where's

Lorraine?

God!

Oh!

Thank God!

Ah!

Hey! Oh, it's me.

Okay. Okay.

Hey, that label said

"Willard," not "Prada."

So?

The boots are knock offs?

So what?

Judge Judy would call

that copyright infringement.

Well, f*** Judge Judy and f***

you too, Daniel. And you know

what? F*** you, f*** you, and

f*** this f***ing ghost. I don't

need approval from any of

you people. Do you think you're

always gonna be in your 20s? Let

me tell you a little story about

me when I was 20.

Not the youth

squandered speech again.

We get it. You've had

to compromise. You've made

mistakes, which leads us to your

biggest one, the lookalike actor

you hired who now has a crazed

ghost killer inside of him and

is currently chasing after us

with a knife trying to kill us.

So we're going to suck it up and

go hide in the dead cat shed.

By the way, the

cat's not dead.

Little Mittens

is alive and well?

Not really.

Yeah, he's undead,

like Jimmy. Hell,

everything around here seems

susceptible to being raised from

the dead after whatever black

magic that douchebag screwed up.

But if everything

can be raised...

That means not only the cat,

but those midget

clowns he killed too.

[LIGHT CHIMES WITH GIGGLING]

Still, Why would

they want to hurt us?

Yeah.

They... we didn't

do anything to them.

Ow!

[LAUGHTER OF MIDGETS]

Is anything here rational?

Ow!

Hey

Hey, you cocksucking clowns,

stop throwing rocks right now!

Ow! Oww!!

[MIDGET LAUGHTER]

Jesus!

[LAUGHTER]

I so hate this house.

[MIDGET DEMON LAUGHTER]

[SCARY DARK SOUND]

[MONSTER GROWL]

[WOODEN DOOR CREAKS]

[DOOR SLAMMING SOUND]

[DARK, SCARY

CRESCENDO OF STRINGS]

[TROMBONE SQUELCH]

[CANDY BAR THUD]

[BLOOD TRICKLING SOUND]

Leaking all

over my damn house.

[EXHALING]

I held my breath another minute.

It seems to be my ceiling.

Number 10, Wilson Phillips,

"Hold On."

Number nine, Kelly Clarkson,

"Since You Been Gone."

Shh.

I'm sorry. I'm just really

nervous, and I have to pee.

I really do.

So do I. We

should've hit the bathroom.

I know. There's three

of them in here and we can't use

any of them right now.

One of my worst fears actually.

[CACOPHONY OF SOUNDS]

[WOOD DOOR CREAK]

[CRESCENDO OF STRINGS]

[DOOR RATTLES THEN THUD]

Do you think he left?

Yeah.

[CLASSICAL ROMANTIC MUSIC]

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater, had

a girl but couldn't keep her.

[FOOT CLATTER]

[BONE SMASHING HIT]

We're not like those pussies

on those other ghost shows.

Yeah. That's right. That's for

my ex-girlfriend, the whore,

her pimp, and cock and balls.

Oh, yeah. Kill

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes