7 seX 7 Page #2

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put a spoonful of that sh*t

into my gob.

And that ad for beer?

No beer gut... no points.

Milk?

Lost it to

a balding family-type.

Cat food?

I'm allergic to hairs.

Mobile phones?

They go for cool kids.

Sorry, I can't lend you

any money.

The b*tch skinned me alive

and I'm in the red.

I've flunked all the ads,

so if I can't get a part

as befits a qualified actor,

I'll have to do

what's beneath my dignity.

As my granddad would say:

'Beggars can't be choosers.'

And that is...?

Theatre. Casting in the theatre.

I get you.

You really have

gone to the dogs.

The director is gay.

And?

Well... Maybe I'll have a

chance... If I hit on him.

But you're not gay.

And I'm no Pixie,

but I won second prize

at the regional competition

at Koprivnica!

It's not the same.

Being gay isn't a role.

You don't act it!

You live it,

for f***'s sake!

So when Shakespeare says

that all the world's a stage

and we are all players,

you reckon that's bullshit?

What are you trying to say?

I'm trying to say I want you to

teach me how to be gay.

How to be gay?

That's it. You've got

half an hour.

Half an hour?!

The shortest book on that

runs to 433 pages!

But I'm not looking for

a doctorate!

Just give me

one or two tricks I can try...

...clothes, make-up, design...

so he sees we have

the same DNA.

Okay.

Number 1. Elle decor?

I know that, they've got

the best chicks there.

Not chicks. Furniture.

The best furniture.

I get it.

You see that armchair there...

It's Fucci.

Old Jozo on the third

floor's got one like that.

I doubt it.

Mention Alexander

McQueen in passing.

Say you're still in

shock after his death.

Ask him if he'd like to go to a

vintage shop with you afterwards

What's a vintage shop?

It's like a second hand shop

but with good stuff.

Like a 1990

Vintage Diesel jacket.

Oh, I know, there's

one near the theatre.

Wear a tight tee-shirt

to show off your torso.

Or a fitted shirt.

White or pink?

White.

Great, I've got an American

Apparel with a V neck

from when Pixie

appeared in Garenica.

Come here.

Vitra...

It's on show at the Pompidou

Centre. 300 euros.

What?

Can you remember that?

Don't tell me that these 2 bits

of wire with coloured balls...

Should I think about a career

designing clothes hangers?

Give me a break.

See what I'm taking to him,

to sweeten him up.

You're thinking of giving him

a box of chocolates?

What's wrong with chocolates?

I don't get you. Are you after

a nurse or a director?

...or an old bag

at the land registry?

It's all I can afford.

You just need some Ralon

to complete the sorry picture.

My dad's still on Ralon.

Walk.

You're walking like a fag.

Isn't that the point?

No. Gays don't walk like fags.

Then how?

You're walking normally.

I'm walking like a gay.

I don't see the difference.

Think of a chick

in front of a caf...

How about Renata? The one

with b*obs like an oil platform.

You're walking by,

you know she's looking,

and you pretend

you don't see her...

Are you sick?

I'm concentrating!

I'm an ACTOR.

Is it OK? Huh? Is it OK?

Yes, but...

Shall I, when I go on stage,

shove it from left to right...

Phooey. That's gross. Phooey.

OK. I'm listening.

The walk's really good.

But now, do the same...

but without Renata

and her platform.

What do you mean?

Imagine that

the director is Renata.

Him, Renata?!

But he's like a lizard

from the Galapagos Islands!

Then forget the walk. He'll know

you're walking for a platform

and not the Galapagos.

How the f*** will

he know what's in my mind?

We gays just know it.

'You gays'.

Are you supermen?

Should the rest

of us feel inferior?

Yes, you should.

For example,

in Plato's Feast...

Don't try bloody

Plato's Feast on me.

I got top marks in that

from Professor Vratovic!

OK. Walk how you like and

think about whoever you like.

Cool it, man.

I'll think of the Galapagos,

and I'll walk like

I'm thinking of Renata.

I'm an ACTOR.

It's my MISSION.

And what if, as if by accident,

I remove a lock of hair

from his face?

He's got hair?

No.

What's that perfume?

You're asking... him? Or me?

Got you, didn't I? You don't

know if it's acting or for real.

That's Stanislavski, man!

Total immersion!

FYI, the prompter's dog

went berserk at Pixie!

He really thought

I was a German shepherd!

Nina Ricci...

Is she the skirt

from the canteen?

The perfume...

You asked about the perfume.

And this...?

Do I need to ask...?

Is my beard rough?

A little.

But I like it.

I've got Plato's Feast

on my bedside table.

Me too.

Which edition?

Nolit, Belgrade.

Nolit, Belgrade. 63'.

You know what...

What?

I think you'll get the part.

You're totally convincing.

You know what...

What?

I've already got the part.

F***...

It took the director

two minutes to see it.

And it's taken you two years...

Sorry.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey, Hana.

Hey.

Marko.

What?

I'm Marko.

Yes, yes, I know.

We've never been

officially introduced.

Marko. Marko from the office.

Oh, sorry, yes.

Hana.

Are you looking for

anything special?

Not really.

A birthday present.

For your boyfriend?

For a friend.

Then you're in the right place.

I recommend the 80s.

There's a revival.

Huh?

I'm not so sure.

She's a ballet dancer.

Then...

...not.

Is this better?

You're often here, ha?

A-ha. Every week.

This was in that film,

wasn't it?

In the sex scene?

A-ha.

I really fancy that actor.

You know,

you look a bit like him.

And you're like Nicole.

Red hair, blue eyes.

But much better.

I read the other day that

she always wears garters.

Even when she goes shopping.

Really? You're joking.

Marko?

Yes?

I have to tell you something...

Hey. I've got to pick up my kid

from his Japanese lesson.

Here are the keys.

Look after the shop, will you?

Okay, no problem.

And don't let those kids in. Last

time thay nicked half the stuff.

Allright.

Bye.

Say something in Czech.

Ahoj.

Say something else.

Knedlicke.

Put some music on.

Say something else.

I don't know anything else.

Don't ladder my stocking.

What do you mean... you don't

know anything. Aren't you Czech?

Nope, Hungarian.

They told me at work that your

mother and grandmother are Czech

Nope, Hungarian.

A-ha, Hungarian.

So what's wrong with that?

I want a Czech.

What now?

Nothing.

How nothing? Are you crazy?!

Take your pants off!

I can't. It's gone down.

What about a United Europe?

Huh?

Countries of the

European Union...

...we're all the same,

no borders, and such stuff.

What now?

That's it. That's the record.

Kerel Gott.

The Czech superstar.

Let's put some yellow

stars on the map!

To Europe!

To the Czech Republic!

To Hungary!

To a United Europe!!!

Time out!

The guy's a better present

than a vibrator.

But he leaves in the morning

and then it's just

the two of us again?

That's it. Think of him like

a talking vibrator.

This isn't what we agreed.

The element of surprise.

I'm not an SM fan.

You don't have to be.

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