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pals from their mushroom club.

What's the name?

My boyfriend's?

The mushroom club's.

Pickers.

Not pickers... peckers!

As if you'll teach me whether

they're pickers or peckers!

We call them 'dongs'.

What the f***'s a 'dong'?

So? What's your man's name?

Jole.

Just 'Jole', or something else?

I call him Jole.

His name's Joza.

Joza. And what else?

Joza Kobecak.

F*** me!

F*** me!

Or f***ing f*** me,

as you Serbs would say!

The biggest loser

among the pickers

gets the best

Serbian broad!

I'm going to kill myself!

Look over there,

that's a fly agaric.

Bring it over so

I can eat it and die!

If Joza Kobecak's

screwing you, I have to die!

Where did he pull you?

In Belgrade. At a mushroom

congress. I was a hostess.

Who paid for his trip?

The Croatian

Mushroom Association.

That ass-licking crony!

Us 'Boletes' are 30 years older

and the Association

won't even pay

our electricity bill!

Can you help me?

Me, help his broad!

That's treason, man!

If you could just tell me where

the parking area is.

I went to pee,

but I got a bit lost.

Haven't you got a mobile phone?

Yes, but I don't know how to

explain where I am.

A wood's a wood.

O.K.

Do you want his number?

I've got Joza Kobecak's number.

What did you do to him?

To who?

Joza. What did you do that

he wants to kill you?

Whaaat?!

Bella, Bellissima...

...your Joza...

...wants to kill you!

You understand Serbian?

Are you mad?!

What's up with you?!

So how many Pickers

are in the wood?

Well, ummm...

Fifteen.

And how many

of them are girls?

None. Apart from me.

And this seems normal to you?!

What's the problem?

At this time of year, the wood

is deadly for women.

Because of wild animals?

Ticks. You know what a tick is?

What do you Serbs call ticks?

We call them ticks

for f***'s sake.

What else would we call them?

Eucelibia trebix.

That's its scientific name.

It kills in seven days.

It boils your brain...

...your eyes fall out,

it eats up your lungs...

...and you get delirious

and scream from pain!

Nothing helps you.

Not even an induced coma!

Why the hell should I care?

The tick is fatal

only for women.

It sucks on guys too,

but it isn't dangerous.

It doesn't give guys poison

or viruses.

It gets a bit red and stings,

but that's it.

Surely I'm not

that unlucky to get it?

I don't want to be indiscreet,

but when did you last pee?

Half-an-hour ago.

That's great, because

the first hour is critical.

If you get it off in the

first hour, you'll be fine.

Where did you pee?

In the bloody wood, where else?

And how?

What do you mean 'how'?

There's only one way.

...Standing?

We Serbian women piss crouching.

Do Croatian women

piss standing up?

They do if they're

picking mushrooms,

because they know

the risk of crouching.

It gives the tick open access.

It just strolls up

to its destination.

And that is?

I'll give you three guesses.

C'mon...

You mean it sticks to...

Yup. 98 percent

are found on the p*ssy.

I hope you're fully shaved.

What do you mean?

At the nudist beach last year

thay called me 'Winnie'.

The bear?

I don't shave at all.

And why?

Because of Joza. He likes it.

Not just Joza. Ticks, too.

They love a bush, you see.

It's warm. It feels safe,

because it's difficult to see.

So what should I do?

Get Joza to throw himself into

the jungle, machete and all.

That's not funny at all.

Turn round, and don't peek.

I can't concentrate.

F*** it!

What? Have you found one?

I can't see. It's too thick. Call

Jole and tell him where I am.

Okay, but what if it's too late?

It might take him

more than

half-an-hour to get here.

OK, OK... Come on, then...

What did you say your name was?

I didn't.

What's your name,

for f***'s sake?!

Franjo.

Not 'Franjo'?!

What's wrong with Franjo?

Don't worry, I'm not that Franjo.

I'm Franjo Cupac.

Well, Franjo, time

to get down to work!

Me, dig in Joza's p*ssy?!

Out of the question!

Franjo, don't screw around.

Get to work!

But if you tell Joza,

I'll come to Belgrade

with the whole mushroom club!

Franjo, you're full of sh*t!

Shut up and work!

If you're near-sighted, why

don't you wear glasses?!

Well, it's dense!

What's so funny?! Tell me so

we can both have a laugh.

You're tickling me.

Come on, find it,

before it's too late!

So there you are,

you little f***!

Have you found it?!

Yes.

Pull it out!

I've got tweezers in my bag!

Bella, we have a problem.

You see,

if I force it, I mean...

...if I pull it off,

its head stays,

which sprays poison

under the skin. Get it?

So what shall we do?

This!

Franjo Cupac will sacrifice

himself and take the tick.

Because that's us Croats. Gene-

rousity and sacrifice. Get it?

Got it. Do you think it will

really move onto you?

Yes. But we need to give it time

At least ten minutes.

Okay. So what

are you waiting for?

Push harder.

Don't just shake about.

Give it a chance, a little time.

Jole.

I'm here.

Yes, I'm a little out of breath.

Fresh air... Flowers...

Boletes, big boletus...

I mean puffballs...

Bye, I'm coming... coooming...

Listen, Franjo, don't move until

You couldn't hold it! You loser!

Why are you shouting?!

Everything's fine.

Did it move onto you?

Yes.

Liar!

I felt it prick me!

And it's a bit red.

Swear.

Cross my heart.

Swear harder.

Cross my heart

as Tito's Pioneer.

'Tito's Pioneer'?!

What kind of crap is that?

That's how we would swear the

truth. For real. As Pioneers.

Eh, Joza, it's Franjo...

No, f*** you and your club!

You won't be taking your balls

for a walk through Belgrade

at the taxpayer's expense.

I've found your woman.

Bella. Come and get her.

That's right. Hill 9, next to

Rabbit Sh*t... Bye.

Bye.

And you know what?

There are no ticks in the wood

now. It's not their season.

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