A Case of You Page #7

It's f***ing stupid.

I should never have done this.

Well, I don't know.

I think you're pretty awesome.

You just seem...

[MUFFLED] I don't know. Mm.

You just need to...

to be totally honest

with you right now...

Yeah?

What?

Are you driving?

Not at the moment,

but I was about to.

Give me the keys.

[CHEERY MID-TEMPO ROCK MUSIC]

[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]

Hello?

Hey, I love it, my man.

I love where this thing is going.

You do?

Yeah.

That's... that's great.

I'm I'm I'm really

glad you're into it.

I'm more than into it.

You got my elegant wife

and this pack of

whores she runs with

c*nt-bumping over this thing.

Oh, that's awful.

Yeah, trust me, no one's

ever gonna call you

a hack writer again.

Okay, wait.

Alan, who keeps...

Sorry.

I got another call coming in.

I have to jump, okay?

I love you.

Okay.

Love you too.

Bobby.

What have you got for me, Al?

Was that Birdie?

What? Uh, no.

It was Alan.

Oh.

You got to help me come up

with a date for Birdie.

I've gone through

everything on the page.

She hasn't updated it in weeks.

I need something.

So why don't you go somewhere

where you want to go

for a change,

you know, something

from your profile?

Yeah, but it's got to

be up her alley.

You're up her alley, douche.

Well, how about the... that

prop shop place you love?

Go there on a date?

What would we do?

Uh, shop, talk, not be obsessed

with being someone else.

I don't know.

I have no idea if she'd be

into that kind of stuff.

It seems incredibly risky.

Oh, man.

Nope. Got to stick to the plan.

Ooh!

Oh, boy.

It's all coming back to you, right?

Oh, yeah.

It's like riding a bike...

A really steep, difficult bike.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, Jesus.

And there comes a time

When you, when you...

What is that?

F***!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

In third-century Japan...

So quit

So quit all that runnin'

The birds on the street

Oh, the sweat in your pores

Oh, stay free

Switch seats.

Why?

Ah!

[GIGGLES]

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

[RHYTHMIC SLOSHING]

Nosy parker.

Sorry.

I'm sorry it's raining.

[LAUGHING]

Well, it's okay.

It's not entirely your fault.

Heh. Yeah.

I'm excited, though.

This seems really cool.

Well, don't get too excited.

I mean, I like it, but, you

know, to each his own.

So they... they're props from all...

these are all props from movies.

They keep them here.

This is so cool.

I love it.

I feel like a kid in here.

I just want to play

with everything.

Right?

That's the point, and you can.

Yes.

I'm gonna wear this

to the Kentucky Derby.

It's... I don't know if you're

even doing a joke,

'cause it's... it's actually nice on you.

I'm gonna wear this to something.

[LAUGHS]

[GASPS]

Oh, my God, look.

This is perfect.

Oh, my God.

Look. Yes.

Oh.

[GASPS]

That's so good.

Ah, it brings me back.

It's crazy.

It brings you back?

To what?

Your tour of duty in Iwo Jima?

[LAUGHING] Yeah.

No, what does it

remind you of, though?

Seriously.

Oh...

Nothing.

I... nothing.

Oh, come on. I want to know.

No, no, I was just...

It's not even like

I'm, like, holding out

with some great thing.

Okay, so tell me.

It's not a big deal.

I was... I was in the Boy Scouts.

I was a Boy Scout.

Ah, that's so cute.

Oh, God, why wouldn't you want

to tell me that?

That's adorable!

Ah.

Did your parents

make you do it as a kid?

Sort of.

You know, you can...

People don't know this,

but you can be in the Boy Scouts

till you're 18.

It's not just, like, little...

Were you in the Boy Scouts

till you were 18?

Yeah. I wasn't as into... I was

really more into it... I know.

See, it's not cute.

No, it's so good.

Wait, please tell me

you still have the uniform.

Well, yeah.

Sadly, I think it probably fits me.

Okay, well, you're gonna

have to wear this

for me at some point,

because I actually find that

really sexy.

You do?

I do.

It's weird,

but I'm I'm serious.

Really?

Everyone's allowed, like, a

nerdy skeleton in their closet.

Oh, yeah?

Well, just one?

Actually, no.

You're allowed a whole

closetful of nerd skeletons.

Well, I would... I would...

I would need an industrial-sized

walk-in closet, then...

Oh, really?

For all my nerdy skeletons.

Give me another...

give me another example, then.

No.

A really nerdy one.

I mean, there are just so many.

No, I'm serious, really.

Just one more.

I feel like one nerdy

skeleton a day revealed is...

No.

No, I definitely...

The nerdier, the sexier.

You know that, right?

Okay.

Well, in that case, uh...

I was in a band.

That's not that nerdy.

That's cool.

Well... Unless you're, like,

a New Kid on the Block.

[LAUGHING]

Yeah, exactly, yeah.

I was the... I was the

lost Wahlberg brother.

I knew it!

I'm Wally Wahlberg.

You look so much alike.

Right?

I get that all the time.

Mostly in the ab region.

No, really, what did you do?

Did you play guitar

or something?

Uh...

Oh, man.

What'd you do?

I... I did bass.

You did bass?

Mm-hmm.

That's either an expression

I've never heard,

or something's going on here.

Well, I... yeah, I mean,

if you consider the voice

an instrument, I played.

Were there any actual

instruments in this band?

No, ma'am.

This is an a cappella group, isn't it?

Nope.

You were in an a cappella group.

In an a cappella band, yes.

I was in an a cappella band.

I can't believe you were

in an a cappella group,

and you didn't tell me.

Well, why...

[LAUGHING]

Why would I tell you that?

Because it's awesome,

and we could have harmonized.

This is... is not so awesome.

There were as many women

in this band

as there were instruments.

That's the...

This was an all-male a cappella group?

It was an all-male a cappella group.

Oh, my God.

Yes, ma'am.

It was a man band, so

get it... get it straight.

Oh, there's nothing straight about it.

[BOTH LAUGH]

There is to find

For I don't know

It's my first time

[MUFFLED CONVERSATION]

I'm so disgusted right now.

I can't even... I'm out of here.

Go f*** yourself, Eliot!

[DOOR SLAMS]

What was that?

She saw all of it, man.

Jamie Lee Curtis, Kathleen

Turner, Christie Brinkley.

F*** Wait. Kathleen Turner?

Really?

Dude...

I'm sorry.

Wait. Hold on.

Hold on.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Are you okay?

She gave me an ultimatum.

[CHUCKLES]

Either the file goes or

she goes, so she went.

Wait a second.

You're talking about

a bunch of photos

of old celebrities that you jerk

off to and your girlfriend,

and you picked the photos?

Just because I'm keeping the file

doesn't mean that I love her any less.

Why not just do whatever

makes her happy?

Or if you got to keep 'em,

just lie to her and say

you threw them out.

It's not just about

the stupid f***ing pictures!

I don't even... I don't care.

It's just how much of myself,

of what makes me who I am,

can I just erase or...

or throw out?

F*** it.

I'm sorry for waking you up.

It's okay.

So I have a surprise

for the recital next Friday.

Oh, yeah?

Yep.

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