A Christmas Story 2 Page #5

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- We've lost the elves.

- But our tubes.

Nuts to your tubes. Come on.

Ho, ho, ho!

And what do you want under the tree

this Christmas morning?

Bobby wants a new swing set?

Well, isn't that nice.

You know what Santa wants?

A wife who doesn't hike up her skirt

every time a salesman comes calling.

And neither of us

are getting what we want.

Go on, get out of here. Next.

Ho, ho, ho! Come on up.

Now, just get them on his lap

and get them off.

What happened to the real elves?

They tried to start a union.

Now go on, keep that line moving.

Go, go, go!

Extra! Extra!

I don't wanna go!

No! Stop, he's evil!

He's a wonderful dentist.

- Randy!

- No!

Gunter Strassen, DDS.

The most feared name in Lake County...

...known to every kid in Hohman

as the Butcher of Berwyn Avenue.

- Somebody help! No!

- Oh, Randy!

The Butcher had a drill

he pedaled with his foot.

The Butcher had little use

for such newfangled novelties as Novocain.

Ah.

Ah.

Sweet, isn't it?

Ho, ho, ho.

All right. Look over there, genius.

That's the ticket.

What's your story?

What do you want?

Can I get a Slinky?

- A Slinky?

- Mm-hm.

You mean to say you waited two hours

in line to ask for a bed spring?

That's it?

Ha! Come on, kid, dream big.

Next.

There now. It wasn't so bad, was it?

Okay, yeah, it was a nightmare.

I don't know how you did it.

Very brave. My little soldier.

Oh!

A little further.

Ho, ho, ho.

Up here. Unh.

Come on, Eisenstaedt. Do your thing.

All right, what can Santa

get for you, sport?

Welcome to the wax museum.

Come on, spill it.

It's okay, buddy.

Just tell Santa what you want.

Could you bring me a tire?

A tire?

You mean like a bicycle tire?

A car tire.

A car tire?

What the heck are you gonna do

with a car tire?

That's just weird. Get him out of here.

Hey, knock-knees, come here.

What was that all about?

I just think you could go

a little easier on them, that's all.

Excuse me.

I've been delighting children for 19 years.

Don't you step on my turf.

No. We should hold Santa

to a higher standard.

- I mean, you're taking the spirit out of it.

- You want dispirited?

Come spend the day at my house.

"Get off your lard ass

and make some money."

Yeah, so she can spend it

on punchboards and cheap gin.

That's dispirited.

- I wanna see him now!

- Me too, fat stuff!

Come on, Ralph, this guy's hopeless.

Uh, let's keep it moving.

Ralphie's entitled to his opinion.

He has more Christmas spirit than this bum.

- I'm sitting right here.

- And you shouldn't be.

You're a disgrace to that uniform.

And you know what?

- No more kids for you.

- What?

Everyone, you can all go home.

- What?

- No more Santa for you.

He is not worth it.

No Santa? What?

Oh, you tell them, chief.

Are you crazy? You see this line?

It keeps going with the curve of the Earth.

Now, be a good elf

and get some more kids.

Did you just hit me?

No, I pushed you. There's a difference.

Uh, guys.

You mean like this versus this?

Oh-ho! Here we go, elf fight.

Oh, yeah.

Guy... uh, guys, guys. No, no, no.

Ah, bringing out the weapons.

Swing! Oh, yeah!

Guys, are you crazy?

- You're gonna get us fired, man. Aah!

- Oh!

You see that, boys and girls?

That's me and Mrs. Claus

every single night. Ha, ha!

Time to slide down through the chimney...

...of Mickey's Tavern and tie one on.

Ho, ho, ho! I quit!

- That'll learn you.

- Aah!

Yoo-hoo!

Hey there.

Brought you a little something. Oh.

Made you some soup.

Ooh. Randy needed a new filling.

- He's lying down for a bit.

- I don't get it.

I'm jigging my keister off here.

Here, have some of this, it's still warm.

I'm raising, I'm dropping, I'm raising,

I'm dropping. What the heck do they want?

Why don't I give it a try?

- Well, your arm must be aching.

- Heh.

Why not? Go to town.

No, no, no. They go for the bright ones.

They don't seem to go for

much of anything, actually.

Excuse me?

I'm just saying

maybe you need a prettier one.

They don't think like that, dear.

That's it. Now, just remember,

raise and drop, raise and drop.

That's it.

Oh, this is good.

- Oh!

- Whoa!

Hey, whoa! I got it!

- Hang on! I got it.

- I'm trying.

Whoa! That's a monster.

Oh! It's prehistoric. Get the net.

Get the net. Get it, get everything. Oh!

- Is this the net?

- Yes.

Oh, Lord!

This thing has got to be...

Whoa!

- It looks like your hole may be a little too...

- I know what it looks like. Hold this.

Come here, you.

Come here. Come on!

Come on!

Two days I've been out here.

Now give in, you stupid, big fat...

I'm fine.

Give me that. I'm not finished.

Sorry. Just trying to help.

Heh-heh-heh. Haven't you done

enough of that already?

You know, I'm not quite sure

what you mean.

That means that you jinxed it!

That's what it means.

Means that everything was going great

till you showed up.

Really? Well, good.

Because I never wanna set foot

out here again.

- Good.

- Trying to get Christmas dinner...

...through a little hole in the ice.

This has to be the stupidest thing

I've ever heard.

And for what?

So you wouldn't have to

part with another $3.

Oh, so now it's a crime

to wanna save a little money.

A little?

All you do is skimp.

You skimp on the furnace

and skimp on the turkey...

...and skimp on the car.

You wouldn't even help out

your own son when he needed it.

You talking about Ralph?

You ever hear of setting an example?

Oh, yes, job well done there.

I was being a good parent.

You were being a cheap son of a bit...!

My mother had not uttered

an obscenity in 30 years.

Ever since she was a teenager,

and lost her job at Kreski's Market...

...for telling a hostile customer

to "go to heck."

Jig all you want.

- I'm going caroling.

- Fine with me.

And thanks for the delicious snack!

Oh!

Our own employment picture

grew dimmer that evening...

...when I lost the first and only job

I'd ever had.

Deck the halls

With boughs of holly.

Fa la la la la La la la la.

By now, I knew I'd probably

never experience a Christmas...

...quite like this one.

And I wasn't alone.

My mother realized that in a sense,

she too...

...was about to be relieved of a job.

That one day soon,

it would be time to let go of a son.

Ancient yuletide carol.

Fa la la la la La la la la

I would be on my own, out in the world.

Into it, I would bring all

that I had learned...

...from her and the old man,

forging my own tentative path.

And coming to terms with the fact

that it can be a lonely place...

...even during the most joyful of seasons.

Mom?

- Mom?

- Downstairs.

I was trying to find

our Christmas stockings.

So many little things this time of year.

- Here, I could help you.

- Oh, it's okay.

I have to get used to doing this

without you boys sooner or later, right?

- Mom...

- It's fine.

Go on. Shoo.

Hey, that's it.

An Oil-O-Matic.

My, oh, my. Ha, ha.

Hey, where is Dad?

Oh, he's still out on the lake.

Hopefully shivering

and unable to feel his toes.

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