A Chump at Oxford Page #2

If it's an education you want, you shall have

the finest that money can buy.

- What do you think?

- What do you think?

- It'll save us the trouble of night school.

- It's a goal.

- Do you see what I see?

- What is it?

I think they're entitled to the royal initiation.

By all means.

Now, listen, you round up the boys

and we'll all have a lot of fun.

I'll start them off in the maze.

- So this is Oxford.

- Yes, I think we're going to like it here.

Pardon me, but haven't you come

to the wrong college?

- This is Oxford, isn't it?

- You're dressed for Eton.

Swell, we haven't eaten since breakfast.

"Haven't eaten since breakfast"!

You made us dress like this.

No wonder everyone's staring.

Well, gentlemen, if I can be of any help,

I'm entirely at your service.

Thank you very much.

Where do we find the head teacher?

Oh, you mean the dean?

I'll escort you there myself.

- Thank you.

- By the way, have you a pass?

- A pass?

- You must have a pass to see the dean.

- Where do we get it?

- From the pass professor.

- Where do we find him?

- You see that entrance in the hedge?

- Yes.

- When you enter there,

you go to the right, then to the left,

then to the right again, then right again.

Then, after you've been to the right,

you keep going right until the left turn.

Then you go right again

until you find yourself left on the right side.

- Hmm.

- I know it sounds complicated

but if you keep to the right,

you can't go wrong.

Now, then, when you come to the exit

on the other side of the hedge,

you'll see a sign

pointing to the professor's lodge.

- Is that to the right or the left?

- My dear old thing, it makes no difference.

Now, let me get this straight,

we go to the left when we... after the...

I have the directions, Stanley,

clearly in my mind.

Thank you very much, we'll be right back.

- Yes. Goodbye!

- Cheerio! I'll be waiting.

- Goodbye!

- Goodbye! Goodbye!

- Goodbye!

- Cheerio! Toodle-oo!

- Gee, he sure is a swell guy.

- He certainly is.

- I knew it the minute I set eyes on him.

- You did?

One thing I pride myself on

is reading character.

- Is that so?

- Yeah.

No, no, no, to your left.

Now to your right.

Go left.

Now to the right.

Wait a minute.

All we're doing is going around in circles.

- You know what?

- What?

I think we must have taken

the wrong turning.

What do you mean, the wrong turning?

Maybe we went left instead of right.

Remember the fella said,

"First you turn to the right... "

All right. You go to the left, I'll go to the right.

Whoever finds the exit first,

comes back and gets the other one.

- That's a good idea.

- Now we're getting someplace.

What are we going to do about the trunk?

- Think we'd better leave it?

- Certainly not. We may never find it again.

I can't carry it, it's too heavy.

All right, I suppose it's up to me, as usual.

- I'm not as big as you are.

- Get it on my back.

I'm doing all I can to help you.

All right, slide it up.

Take it easy.

- Got it all right?

- It'll be all right when I get a grip on it.

- You want a grip on it?

- Yeah.

- There we are.

- Help me up.

Now, upsadaisy.

There we are.

All right.

- Don't forget to holler.

- I won't!

- Bye!

- Goodbye!

- You all right now? Goodbye!

- Goodbye!

Oh!

- Oh, Ollie!

- Where are you?

I'm here. Where are you?

- I'm here!

- How can you be here if I'm here?

Stan, I'm exactly where...

Will you come and find me?

I will as soon as I can find myself.

What do you think I am?

I can't be in two places at once.

- Here we are.

- Will you show me the exit?

- Here it is.

- Swell. Now get me out of here.

- Follow me, we'll take the short cut.

- All right.

- Don't lose me.

- I won't.

Hey, just a minute.

- What did you do with the suitcases?

- I put them on top of the trunk.

Have I been carrying these all the time?

Get this off of me.

Let's rest awhile, I'm tired.

I am too.

Give me my handkerchief.

Thank you, Ollie.

Will you leave that alone?

I thought you just gave it to me.

Now, cut that out.

Well, what's the matter now?

- I just saw three hands.

- Siddown. You're crazy.

You've been going around in circles all day

and you're dizzy.

- Is that what it is?

- You just had a dizzy spell.

- Ha!

- Now, let me get some rest, will you?

Never had one of those before.

Hey, Ollie.

I don't want to bother you but I've just had

another one of those dizzy spells.

No wonder - smoking those big black cigars,

they're too strong for you.

- Is that what it...?

- Certainly.

- Did you see that?

- Sure, it's one of those dizzy spells.

That wasn't no dizzy spell.

Go see what it was.

- I don't want to see what it was.

- Go see what it was and don't argue.

Hurry up. I'll wait right here for you.

Nope, nobody there.

Just one of those dizzy spells again.

Even you look different.

- Stan! Oh, Stan!

- What?

- Come on!

- OK, I'll...

- Don't leave me, Ollie.

- Give me your hand.

Well, can you beat that?

Welcome to Oxford!

- You know what?

- What?

That fellow that sent us in here

made a fool out of you.

Yes, and if I ever see him again

I'll punch him in the nose.

I don't blame you.

Say, I thought you said

you could read character.

- I can but he was two-faced.

- Oh.

- I'll never trust anybody as long as I live.

- That's a good idea.

Bring them to Johnson's quarters.

Everything's arranged.

Well? How do I look?

Marvellous. Much better

than the old dean himself.

- You think he'll recognise me with this?

- Never in a month of Sundays!

Hurry, fellas! Here comes Cecil

with the chumps.

Here we are.

This way, please.

Dean, may I present

the two new boys from America?

This is Dr Ramsbottom,

the dean of our university.

Pleased to meet you, Mr Dean.

Charmed, I'm sure.

Meet Professor Push-Ha'penny.

Dr Pigsfoot.

And his brother, Trotter.

Well, dear old things, heartiest

congratulations, and all that sort of thing,

on your entrance into dear old Oxford.

I hope that our association

will be a happy union.

We wish to show our hospitality,

true to the traditions of our college,

by giving you a most hearty

and royal greeting.

- Cheerio, I don't think.

- Thank you very much.

Now, is everything in readiness to escort

these gentlemen to their quarters?

Everything.

Then carry on.

# For he's a jolly good fellow,

for he's a jolly good fellow

# For he's a jolly good fellow

# And so say all of us! #

I shall be quite some time at the lecture,

Jenkins. You may take the afternoon off.

Thank you, sir, thank you. Goodbye, sir.

# For he's a jolly good fellow,

for he's a jolly good fellow

# For he's a jolly good fellow

# Which nobody does deny

# For he's a jolly good fellow,

for he's a jolly good fellow

# For he's a jolly good fellow

# And so say all of us

# And so say all of us,

and so say all of us

# For he's a jolly good fellow,

for he's a jolly good fellow

# For he's a jolly good fellow

# And so say all of us #

Well, gentlemen, these are your quarters.

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