A Chump at Oxford Page #3

Don't be afraid

to make yourselves at home. Ta-ta.

- Skip the gutter.

- And good luck, we don't think.

Say, that dean's a swell guy, ain't he?

- Now, there's a man that you can trust.

- He sure is.

Gee, this is a swell joint, I don't think.

- It's a pit.

- Lovely.

No wonder people go to school.

Nice place to live in like this.

No flies or nothing, and...

I wonder how long this place

has been open.

I wonder. You'd think they would advertise

to let people know it was on the map.

- Say, do you know what?

- What?

We didn't have any sleep last night.

That's right. In this excitement,

I completely forgot it.

Let's unpack the trunk

and make ourselves at home.

That's a good idea.

- Boy, is this the life.

- Mm-hm.

- English colleges give you the works.

- Don't they?

You should see what they've done

to the dean's bedroom.

Fix me another snort.

Hey, fellows! KV!

- Here comes the dean.

- The dean?

No, no, no, he's coming down the hall.

What shall we do?

Did you hear that?

- Sure. What is it?

- I don't know. Go see.

Nobody there,

it couldn't have been somebody.

- How about 40 winks?

- That's a good idea.

- Say, Ollie...

- What now?

How about a nightcap?

Well, just one.

- There's no fizz water.

- Well, get some.

There's no more nightcap.

Well, what would you do in a case like that?

- Go and get some.

- Certainly.

Simple.

Cheerio!

I don't think!

Ripping!

- Say, Ollie.

- What?

I wonder who that old buzzard is over there.

Some old cockroach that had this room

before we did.

Get a load of that puss.

Say, did you ever see a face like that

outside a zoo?

- Sure.

- Where?

In a monkey house.

I never thought of that!

Monkey house!

Give me some more fizz water. Mm!

I bet you a nickel I can hit him in the eye.

- Bet you can't.

- Bet you.

You missed!

Give me the bottle.

- Dime or nothing.

- All right, give you a chance to get even.

Now.

What are you doing in my quarters?

You've got a lot of nerve. They're

our quarters, the dean just give 'em to us.

- I am the dean!

- Read his character.

I just did, he's a phoney. It's another rib.

Sure, he's got ribs all over his face.

See them?

Get out of my quarters, I tell you!

Know what the trouble is?

He's got a dizzy spell.

- He's a Dizzy Dean.

- That's what he is.

Come on, Dizzy,

get out before I throw you out.

That goes for me too, Dizz.

- You can't...

- This is an outrage.

I'll have you sent down!

I'll have you prosecuted!

- Ow!

- There, sir!

And as for you, you'll suffer for this.

That's a lot of baloney.

There, sir!

- See here, of all the...

- Get out of here or we'll...

How dare you?

I'll tell him...

I shall speak to my...

- Jenkins!

- Come on, get out!

Lunatics at large!

And stay out!

- What is the meaning of this?

- You'll find out.

Deany, tell this nitwit to get out

and stop bothering us.

He's trying to crash in on our party.

- What is this all about?

- Hey, Dean, tell him.

Dean? I reiterate, I am the dean.

Aw, don't give us that. He told us he was

the dean and he gave us these quarters.

- Didn't he, Stan?

- He certainly did. Didn't you?

Is this true, Johnson?

Yes, sir.

- See? Don't you feel silly?

- Yeah, get out...

- See? Don't you feel silly?

- Yeah, get out...

Silence!

You shall be expelled,

sent down for this, my lad, all of you!

This is the most disgraceful outrage

ever perpetrated at Oxford.

Report to me in the morning. You may go.

Snitchers.

- Jenkins.

- Yes, sir.

Help them to pack their things and see that

they're taken to their proper quarters.

What will the pater say

when he hears I am to be expelled?

Don't worry. We'll see

they're not here tomorrow to testify.

- Snitchers have no place in Oxford.

- You're right.

The dirty dogs!

That's one thing we won't tolerate

in Oxford - snitching!

That's right.

Here you are, gentlemen,

these are your quarters.

Meredith the valet will be here shortly

to attend to your needs.

- Good afternoon.

- Goodbye.

Well, so far so good.

- Can you beat that?

- What?

Look - we're only that far from home.

It says on the...

Come in.

How do you do, gentlemen? I'm Meredith.

I'm Mr Hardy. This is my friend, Mr Laurel.

How do you do, Mr Hardy? Mr Lau...

Your Lordship!

Don't you remember me, sir? I'm Meredith.

Don't you recall?

I used to take care of you, sir.

Look out, another rib.

Say, that's a lot of hooey.

- You never saw him before in your life.

- And I never saw you either.

Pardon me. I understand, Your Lordship,

why you don't recognise me.

Oh, it's a pity, it's a pity.

- What's a pity?

- Oh, it's a sad story, sir.

It was a great blow to Oxford.

You see, it's like this, sir -

when His Lordship was here before,

he was the greatest athlete and scholar

this university ever boasted of.

And oh, what a brilliant mind.

Are you trying to make me believe

that this is the guy you're talking about?

I know it. I was never so sure in my life.

Brilliant mind...

Well, I've known him for years

and he's the dumbest guy I ever saw.

- Aren't you, Stanley?

- I certainly am.

- That's why I'm here.

- Pardon me, sir, you don't understand.

I can recall your accident most vividly.

- What accident?

- It happened in this very room.

It was right here, at this very window.

Your Lordship had just defeated Cambridge

and you were acknowledging the plaudits

of the student body.

Just as I came in with your tea

and crumpets, the window slipped

and hit you on the head

as hard as a heavy hammer.

When you came to, you'd lost your memory

and wandered away from the university.

We never saw or heard of you

from that day to this.

Pardon me for being frank

but I think that you are screwy.

He's got bees in his cockpit,

that's what's the matter with him.

Oh, if I could only bring your memory back.

Maybe some of your peculiar mannerisms

may show up.

What mannerisms?

Your Lordship had a most outstanding one.

- Did I?

- Mmm! When you got very angry,

you'd wiggle your ears

in a most extraordinary manner

and you'd fight like a demon.

Fight like a demon... Wiggle your ears.

- What?

- Wiggle your ears.

- I can't wiggle my ears.

- Of course you can't.

- Of course I can't.

- Now stop this kidding!

Very good, sir.

Don't want to hear... Say, why don't you

read his character? Maybe he's right.

- Maybe I am a lordship.

- You, a lordship!

"And we're only this far from home"!

Well, I knew a fella once

that lost his memory and he's better now.

You see...

Fee, fi, fo, fum

We want the blood of an American

- Be he alive or be he dead...

- What's that?

- I don't know.

- We'll crush his bones to make our bread

Fee, fi, fo, fum

We'll beat those Yankees like a drum

- I wonder what this is all about.

- That's their chant of revenge.

Some gentleman must have violated

the ethics of the student body.

When that happens, oh!

They're never satisfied

until they've hounded the guilty one out.

We'll cut their throats

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