A Chump at Oxford Page #4

and take out their tongues

We'll chew them up like chewing gum

Fee, fi, fo...

- Look, they're pointing at us.

- Don't worry, it's another rib.

Oh, no, sir. They never jest

in a case like this.

We'll send them back

where they came from

Fee, fi, fo, fum...

We'll go up and make them jump

out of the window,

or we'll take off their breeches

and throw them out!

Fetch a blanket, chaps.

- Fee, fi, fo, fum...

- They mean us all right!

We want the blood of an American

Be he alive or be he dead

Where can we hide?

Climb out the window, sir,

along the ledge through to the next study.

Say, Ollie, what about the trunk?

Never mind the trunk!

Oh, oh.

Gracious, Meredith,

can't you fix that?

- Hit me right on the cranium.

- Your Lordship!

You've got your memory back.

You know me!

What are you talking about?

Course I know you.

- Where's my tea and crumpets? Hurry!

- Oh, it's a miracle! A miracle!

Are you barmy?

- See who that is. Stop annoying me.

- Yes, my lord.

Must be losing his memory.

Silly old bounder.

There's one of them.

What is the meaning

of this vulgar intrusion?

We're going to take off your breeches

and run you out of Oxford.

Take off my breeches?

In the presence of Meredith?

Yes, you dirty snitcher!

Repeat that remark again.

Dirty snitcher!

- Meredith, hold my handkerchief.

- Yes, my lord.

Now, I demand an immediate apology.

An apology?

I'll give you an apology!

The dean!

Ohhhhh!

Oooh! Oh!

Wonderful, Your Lordship, wonderful.

Right back to your old form again.

Did me heart good to see you carry on.

- Didn't half put it across 'em.

- Don't annoy me, Meredith.

Get this place cleaned up,

and hurry with my tea and crumpets.

I'm starved, really.

What's the big idea, throwing me out?

I beg your pardon! Meredith, who is this

coarse person with the foreign accent?

Why, you little shrimp!

Are you trying to rib me now?

Careful, sir, be careful.

His Lordship's regained his memory.

Don't annoy him, sir,

or he may again become violent.

- It's on the level, then?

- Yes, sir.

Well, congratulations.

I'm sorry but, er,

we've never been introduced.

Meredith, will you kindly officiate?

Mr Hardy, meet Lord Paddington.

How do you do?

What is the nature of your business here?

Why, Stan, don't you know me?

Know you? Why, I never saw you before

in all my life.

- What are you talking about?

- Don't you remember?

- We used to sweep the streets together!

- Sweep the... How dare you!

How dare you make such slurring remarks!

Meredith, show this common person

the egress and eject him forcibly.

- This way, sir.

- Wait a minute!

I don't know what you're talking about

but this has gone far enough.

- I'm gonna mop the floor up with you!

- Have a care.

Wiggling your ears ain't gonna stop me.

Ow!

Come in.

- Good morning, Fatty.

- Good morning, Your Lordship.

- Thank you.

- Tea, Your Lordship.

The dean wishes to speak with you,

Your Lordship.

Oh, come right in.

You may remain here, Fatty.

Good morning.

Would you care to join me in a spot of tea?

No, thanks.

Don't stand there, get a chair for the dean.

Pardon my valet being so horribly stupid.

He's not quite broken in yet.

Rather thick, as it were.

- Why do you tolerate him?

- I don't know.

He's got a jolly old face, you know.

Breaks the monotony and, er,

helps to fill up the, er, room and, er...

Besides, he's something to talk to.

I quite understand, Your Lordship.

A thousand congratulations

for all your wonderful accomplishments

since your return.

Oh, tut, tut, tut, tut, tut, tut, tut.

Might I presume to ask you a favour?

Why, certainly.

Professor Einstein has just arrived

from Princeton

- and he's a bit confused about his theory.

- You don't say.

He wondered if you could

straighten him out.

- It would be a pleasure.

- When could you give him a few moments?

Let me see, er... Oh, Fatty?

Hand me my memorandum.

Let me see now. Monday...

Tuesday. And, er...

Suppose we make it Ash Wednesday.

Thank you, Your Lordship.

The professor will be so very grateful.

That's perfectly all right. Incidentally -

invite him to have lunch with me.

- I'm having pancakes.

- Thank you, Your Lordship, thank you.

Thank you, Fatty.

Take it.

Gracious, Fatty, what is this? Senna tea?

Take this stuff away immediately.

Don't let it occur again. My goodness.

Hmph.

If it wasn't for that bump on the head,

he wouldn't know Einstein from a beer stein.

Er, by the way, er, Fatty.

I've noticed lately

- that you're getting terribly sloven.

- How do you mean, sir?

You don't seem to have the dignity

becoming of a lackey.

Er, no poise, you don't walk right,

or something.

Let me see. Er, pull in your stomach.

That's better. Throw your shoulders back.

That's right. Now chin up, chin up.

No, no, no, both of them.

There, that's better.

Now walk around. Let me see you.

Step into it, make it brisker.

Brisker! Now, chins up!

Now look what you've done, clumsy.

I've had enough! When I knew you,

I had more brains in my little finger

than you had in your whole carcass,

even with your overcoat on!

You're a witty old stick-in-the-mud, Fatty.

- You bet, and don't call me Fatty!

- Don't get excited.

Who's excited? I'm through!

Take your lordships, your Oxford

and your Paddingtons

and do what you like with 'em!

- I've never been so humiliated...

- Really, old dear.

Not intentional, really...

There's one more thing too!

I didn't like that double chin crack!

- Well, I...

- Ah!

My goodness!

# For he's a jolly good fellow,

which nobody does deny

# Which nobody does deny #

Never been so humiliated!

I'm gonna get my clothes

and catch the first boat back.

And another thing, and furthermore,

get another boy!

Goodbye!

- Hey, Ollie...

- What?!

- Where you going?

- Back to America for me.

Hey, Ollie!

Ollie!

Aren't you going to take me?

Stan! You know me!

Of course I know you.

Have you got one of those dizzy spells?

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