A Damsel in Distress Page #5

I'm looking for a snail.

It's behind this bush somewhere.

Go round there

and cut off its retreat.

I'll teach him to eat the flowers.

Father, do stop talking about

snails. I want to ask something.

Do you think it shows a very weak

character, changing one's mind?

About? About, um...for instance,

um...falling in love.

Oh, hello,

what's this you're telling me?

You've changed your mind

about that ski-jumping fellow?

I just found, suddenly,

that I don't love him.

I suppose that delights you. Not

at all. I'm sorry, I liked the chap.

But you've never met him.

Of course I've met him.

I called at his house yesterday

to deliver that note.

Oh, that's not the man.

Not the man?

No, that's the American

I met in London in a cab.

Well, whoever he is,

I told him you were potty about him.

I gave him my blessing.

You told him I was...?

Oh!

Then that's why. Why what?

Why he kissed me.

Naturally.

Father, you don't understand.

I slapped him.

Naturally.

He's a stranger.

But he's not a stranger.

That is, in a way he is,

and he isn't.

I realised in a flash that

I love him. I can't help myself.

I know you think I'm crazy.

Love him?

But you said you didn't. I didn't

say I didn't, I said I did.

But now he won't want anything

to do with me any more. Why?

Because you slapped him? What rot!

Why, your mother used to slap me

frequently before we got engaged.

You think I minded? Course I didn't!

Showed she was beginning

to take an interest in me.

Every time I kissed her,

she slapped me.

Every time she slapped me,

she apologised.

And every time she apologised,

I kissed her again

and before long, there we were

in a private suite

shaking the confetti

out of our hair.

Do you think I ought to apologise?

Well, he might kiss you again!

Suppose he didn't. I mean,

suppose he didn't forgive me?

He'll forgive you. Everything will

end happily and I shall come along.

and dance at your wedding.

Father!

You go along

and do your apologising.

I've got to get this snail.

Hello, Keggs. M'lady.

Come here, you.

I want a few words with you

in private.

Eavesdropping is a low habit

his lordship will not tolerate

and so, young idiot Albert,

I'm forced to give you the sack.

Please, Mr Keggs,

let me off this once.

Well, I'm soft-hearted and would

hate to ruin a lad's prospects.

Promise you won't do it again?

Word of honour.

Very well.

Thank you, Mr Keggs.

Oh, by the way,

do you happen to have that ticket?

The one marked "Mr X"? Yes.

Would you mind exchanging it for the

one marked "Mr Reggie"? No chance.

Just as you please.

But, on second thoughts, I'll have

to discharge you after all.

Pity it is too, being dismissed

without a character,

breaking your

poor old mother's heart.

It's men like you what lead half

the crimes in the country! Here.

Thank you. Thank you.

HE HUMS A CHEERFUL TUNE

What are you so cheerful about?

We're going to Paris!

What are you so cheerful about?

We're going to Paris.

I suppose you'd like to stay here

and play Leonard so you can

save Lady Alyce again, huh?

I never want to see her again.

She's here. Who?

The girl who slapped you. Where?

On the jaw.

She's coming up the lane.

Let's go outside.

The man is in love. He wants to be

by himself with the girl he loves.

George, I didn't know you liked me!

This is so sudden. Come on. Oh.

Hello.

How do you do? May I come in?

Is there something

I can do for you?

I suppose it seems very odd, my

coming here like this. Not at all.

Neighbourly. Won't you have a seat?

Um...no, thank you.

I can only stay a moment.

I'd feel safer if you were sitting.

I just wanted to speak to you.

You've come just in time.

I'm leaving for Paris immediately.

You're never coming back?

You can always buy a punching bag.

But that's

what I came to speak to you about.

I, um...came to say

that I'm sorry I slapped you.

You see, Father's

just explained everything to me

and I understand how it happened.

Oh, I see. You father explained

to you why you slapped me.

No, no!

Things are frightfully mixed up.

Father made a mistake about you.

Then after

he spoke to you yesterday, well,

you naturally thought

you were somebody else. Naturally.

I didn't know, of course.

I thought you were being yourself.

Then Father explained

he thought you were the other man

and how were you to know I didn't

mean you? Do you understand?

Perfectly.

And you see why I slapped you?

Let me get this straight.

Whom did you slap?

Me or the other fella? Why you!

Who's the other fella? Jeffrey.

Jeffrey? Who's he?

An American I met in Switzerland

about a year ago.

Oh.

They don't want me to marry him.

That's why they locked me up

to keep me from seeing him.

Oh, I see.

Your father thought I was he.

Naturally, I thought he meant me.

I see.

Well, I'm afraid

I've made an awful fool of myself.

No. No, you haven't.

And this chap, um...Egbert?

Jeffrey. Jeffrey.

He's the man you love? No.

No.

What do you mean, "No"?

Look, I-I suddenly realised

that...that I didn't love Jeffrey.

All that had just been

a schoolgirl crush

and the reason

that was so clear was, well...

I suddenly realised that...that...

I love somebody.

A third man?

No.

Will you please stop saying no

and talk sense?

You're just about

the stupidest man I ever met.

How I fell in love with you,

I'll never understand!

Did I hear correctly?

Did you just say...? Yes.

Well, are you sure it's me? Yes.

Well, when did you first feel this,

what you just said, coming on?

Yesterday, in a flash,

right after I slapped you. Whoa!

Then slapping me made you love me.

Yes.

Darling, slap me again.

# If I should suddenly

start to sing

# Or stand on my head or anything

# Don't think

that I've lost my senses

# It's just that my happiness

finally commences

# The long, long ages

of dull despair

# Are turning into thin air

# And it seems that suddenly I've

# Become the happiest man alive

# Things are looking up

# I've been looking

the landscape over

# And it's covered

with four-leaf clover

# Oh, things are looking up

# Since love looked up at me

# Bitter was my cup

# But no more will I be the mourner

# For I've certainly

turned the corner

# Oh, things are looking up

# Since love looked up at me

# See the sunbeams

# Everyone beams

# Just because of you

# Love's in session

# And my depression

# Is unmistakably through

# Things are looking up

# It's a great little world

we live in

# Oh, I'm happy as a pup

# Since love looked up at me... #

When am I going to see you again?

I do wish

you could come to the ball tonight.

To see you, I'd risk

Aunt Caroline's bloodhounds.

Father will help you get in.

Besides, there'll be so many people,

I'm sure no-one would notice you.

I'll be there.

Bye!

MADRIGAL SINGERS SING IN CHORUS

Beg your pardon, sir. A lady

and gentleman have just arrived.

The lady said I was to mention

the tunnel of love. Oh, yes!

Right-ho.

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