A Day at the Races Page #4

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And, doctor, remember,

I'm counting on you.

The success of the sanitarium

is in your hands.

Look, Miss Standish, suppose...

Suppose I were to tell you...

...that I'm not the doctor

you think I am.

Well, you're the only one

that can help me.

And do be nice to Mrs. Upjohn,

won't you?

Well, she's not exactly my type,

but for you, I'd make love to a crocodile.

Silly.

Have the florist send roses to Mrs. Upjohn.

Write "Emily, I love you" on the bill.

Just a moment, Dr. Hackenbush.

Yes, Mr. Whitmore.

No, I haven't been able to get that call

through to the Florida medical board.

Well, I'm doing the best I can.

It ought to be here any minute.

If that call's what I think, she can cancel

those roses and make it lilies for me.

Get me Mr. Whitmore.

- Hello?

- Here's your Florida call, Mr. Whitmore.

All right. Hello?

Florida medical board.

Good morning.

I'd like to talk to the man

in charge of the records, please.

Record department?

Just a moment, sugar.

Record department.

Colonel Hawkins talking.

Colonel Hawkins, did you get a wire

from me regarding Dr. Hackenbush?

I'm sorry, sir, but there's a hurricane

blowing down here...

...and you'll have to talk

a little louder.

It certainly is the windiest day

we ever did have.

It certainly is windy!

I want to know about Dr. Hackenbush!

- Yes?

- Whitmore, cut out that squawking.

The patients are all complaining.

And I hope, sir, that that's

the information that you require.

I'm sorry, colonel. I didn't hear it.

I was called to the Dictograph.

- What was that you said, sir?

- I was called to the Dictograph!

Whitmore, one more yelp out of you,

and I'll have you bounced out of here.

And I trust, sir, that that answers

your question.

I'm terribly sorry, colonel.

I didn't hear you.

I can't hear you. You'll have to talk

a bit louder.

I want to find out something

about Hackenbush!

- Well, what is it now?

- That's the last time...

...I'm gonna warn you

about that yowling.

And in conclusion,

let me say...

I'm sorry, colonel. What was

that you said about Hackenbush?

Hacken... You mean, Dr. Hackenbush?

Oh, no. He's not here.

I know he's not there. He's here!

Then what are you

bothering me for, Yankee?

But I want to know something

about his Florida record.

Here's your Florida call, Mr. Whitmore.

Operator, will you get off the line?!

- Hello? Hello, colonel.

- Yes?

Are you sure you're speaking

of Dr. Hugo Z. Hackenbush?

- Who?

- Hugo Z. Hackenbush!

Who's calling him?

- The Standish Sanitarium.

- Yeah, that's where he works.

Say, I understand he's doing

a mighty fine job up there.

I...

I want to get some information

regarding his qualifications for the job.

- What job?

- As head of the sanitarium!

- Who?

- Hackenbush!

- Whitmore, are you calling me?

- No, you sap!

- Hello.

- Yes, now, what was that name?

Hackenbush. Hackenbush!

Well, as soon as he comes in,

I'll have him get in touch with you.

Hey, you see that sourpuss?

That's Whitmore,

the man you gotta watch.

You see, he's no good.

He's in with Morgan...

...and I think they're trying to get

the sanitarium away from Miss Judy.

Hey, hey! No, no, no.

You no gonna fight him.

You gonna watch him.

You gotta watch him like a hawk.

That's it. Not so fast.

No, not so fast.

First, I gotta get you

in here as a patient...

...or else Whitmore's going

to get wise to you.

Come on, I take you to the doctor.

Stuffy! Stuffy! Hey, come here.

Hey, he won't hurt you.

No, no, come here.

This fella's a nice doctor.

You're hungry, eh?

You want some ice cream?

You want a nice, big steak?

With spinach?

All right, all right.

No spinach. No spinach.

Apple pie? And beautiful nurses?

Oh, baby, come on.

You're gonna get a nurse.

Oh, my, you're gonna get plenty.

- Have you seen Dr. Hackenbush?

- No, doctor.

Go find him.

Mrs. Upjohn wants him.

- What's the matter with Mrs. Upjohn?

- Nothing, in its most violent form.

- Pick me up at 5.

- Yes, sir.

- May I have an okay on this, please?

- I'm too busy right now.

I'll put the O on now

and come back later for the K.

- Dr. Hackenbush.

- A little later.

- Get me the Turkish bath.

- Yes, sir.

Dr. Hackenbush, Mrs. Upjohn

is complaining again...

...and these x-rays show

nothing wrong with her.

Is that so? Who are you gonna believe,

me or those crooked x-rays?

Doctor, the Turkish bath.

Hello? Gus, will you look in the steam

room and see if my frankfurters are done?

That will be all.

I have some important research.

Now...

Excuse me.

Oh, so you're the doctor.

Yeah, remember me?

I used to be in the book business.

Hey, forget about that, doc.

- I got some good news for you.

- Yeah? What are the odds?

No, no, it's no horse.

I got a patient for you.

Oh, a patient? Oh, fine.

What size?

- You didn't get him here any too soon.

- Hey, Stuffy!

Sit down here till I snatch you

from the jaws of death.

- Just sit quietly.

- Sit down.

Either he's dead,

or my watch has stopped.

He's a good doctor.

Knows his business.

Singing doctor.

Here you are. Oh, come on.

This isn't gonna hurt.

- Come on, everybody gets that.

- Open up those pearly gates.

Flip this under your flapper. Attaboy.

- Didn't hurt, did it, huh?

- He's pretty sick, eh, doc?

Well, that temperature

certainly went down fast.

Hey, don't drink that poison!

That's $4 an ounce.

We better put him to bed.

He looks awfully sick today.

Better get him a nurse too.

If he thinks that, he'll go to bed.

- Come on.

- There, now. Take it easy, will you?

He's been a doctor for years,

this fella.

I've been a doctor longer than you've been

a patient, I'll tell you that.

Come on. Why do you do like that?

What do you think,

he's gonna play with you?

No, don't look at me.

Let me look at you, huh?

No.

Don't look at me.

What do you think I am, a peepshow?

Get away there, will you?

It's rather a strange-looking sight.

- Yeah, it's serious, huh, doc?

- I haven't seen anything like this in years.

The last time I saw a head like that

was in a bottle of formaldehyde.

- I told you he was sick.

- That's all pure desiccation along there.

He's got about a 15-percent metabolism

with an overactive thyroid...

...and a glandular affectation

of about 3 percent.

- That's bad, huh?

- With a 1-percent mentality.

He's what we designate

as the crummy, moronic type.

This is the most gruesome-looking

piece of blubber I've ever peered at.

Hey, doc! Hey, doc.

You got the looking glass turned around.

You're looking at yourself.

I knew it all the time.

That was a good joke on all of us,

wasn't it?

Let's do it again sometime, huh?

Say, "Ah. "

Louder.

Louder!

- Hey, doc, where you going?

- I'm going to the ear doctor. I'm deaf.

Come on back. It's not you. It's him.

Sometimes, I'm not sure

who's getting the examination here.

Take it easy, now, huh?

Say, am I stewed,

or did a grapefruit just fly past?

I don't see nothing.

If that's his Adam's apple,

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