A Few Best Men Page #2

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- Sorry.

- Jesus!

- Bloody Hitler.

Ruined this moustache for everyone.

Guys...

- We're going to Australia.

- Yeah, with 14 stopovers.

Yes, stewardess! A bottle of

your cheapest champagne, please!

Toast to my friend, David Locking!

Mr David Locking!

Jorge Buentiempo! (Speaks Spanish)

..754 miles, 8,754 miles.

Coconut Mist. Now available duty-free.

Coconut Mist.

I thought that was never gonna end.

It was worse than a jazz concert.

Really? I slept most of the way.

That's cause you weren't sitting

next to the droning clock.

I can't believe he's doing

the best man speech.

- I've have done much better.

- Thought I'd give him a boost.

- Something else to focus on.

- I'd have been f***in' hilarious.

- David Locking?

- Yes?

Come this way, please.

(Dog grunts)

- Take the bag.

- Why?

I've got something in it for David's stag do.

I don't want it searched.

- Absolutely not.

- Look at me, I'm sweaty.

I look guilty as hell. They won't

search you, you're too confident.

True and I'm still not taking it.

- Uh, have we done something wrong?

- Not at all, Mr Locking.

I work for your father-in-law and

you're going straight to the VIP room.

Welcome to Australia.

(Elevator dings)

VIP. Bloody damn it.

Now they're never gonna

X-ray your bag.

AUTOMATED VOICE:

Welcome to VIP X-ray.

Please hand your bags

to the attendant.

(Alarm sounds)

- Graham Vincent?

- Yes?

MAN:
Shall we pop this in

your duty-free bag, sir?

- That was embarrassing.

- Why d'you get a gimp mask, anyway?

- Who does that?

- I thought it'd be a laugh.

(Sighs) We're in Australia.

Who could survive here?

All that sun and beefs gonna

piss you off eventually.

I could learn to live with it.

Gonna call Sarah, let

her know we've arrived.

Yeah, she's probably sitting by

the phone counting the minutes.

There she is. There's Mia.

LUKE:
Damn signal.

(David laughs)

Mia!

MIA:
David!

- Oh, you alright?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm good.

I'm good.

- How was the flight?

- Fine.

- Really long, though.

- Yeah?

Yeah...

- I'll leave you to it, then.

- OK.

- Meet the guys. Uh, this is...

- No, no, no, don't tell me.

Um, Tom, Luke and...

This is a Chaplin moustache

by the way.

..Graham.

David's pretty much told me everything.

Well, I hope he hasn't been

slagging us off too much.

Of course not. He just called you

a pack of pricks but that was it.

- What, really?

- No, no! He didn't really.

Anyway, I brought the big

car so we're all gonna fit.

- It's OK, we've organized a car rental.

- Are you sure?

It's quite a hike and might be the

only time I get you all to myself.

- Well, then, spend it with David.

- You don't know where you're going.

And God created satellites.

It's fine, Graham's driving.

- What? No, I'm not.

- Yeah, you are.

Go, go and exchange some bodily fluids,

you know, we'll see you later.

Alright, cool.

- See you later.

- See ya.

Bye.

LUKE:
..this is my

chair, I paid for it.

- We good?

- Yeah.

LUKE:
Don't hang up, don't hang up, please!

Come on. Sarah!

Luke, come on, man.

- Sarah, she's...

- Oh, shut up.

- So, here we are.

- Yep.

(Sighs) We're getting married tomorrow.

Yep.

Doesn't give me much time to

get to know your parents.

Oh, we've got all the time in the world.

God... I've waited...

three whole months...

(Beeping)

Ooh, what have we here?

LUKE:
I don't think she was

that happy to hear from me.

What, really? What's wrong with her?

See, if I broke up with a

girl, what I'd want her to do

is ring me and hassle me constantly.

- At least I've had a girl.

- I've had girlfriends, Luke.

Inflatable girlfriends don't count.

Look, I've told you a thousand times,

that was delivered to me by mistake.

Anyway, I will phone her

and I'll keep phoning her

until she agrees to take me back.

- Good plan, Luke!

- (Graham chuckles)

(Mia giggles)

DAVID:
I can't believe I can

actually reach out and touch you.

(Both laugh)

If it wasn't for that photo,

I'd swear Tuvalu was just...

A dream?

Yeah, sometimes I wish I'd just snap

my ngers and we'd be back there.

Be careful what you wish for.

What are we doing in the

middle of the jungle, Tom?

Does that thing have any

idea where it's going?

Yeah, we're just on a small detour.

Found this guy, he said he could

sell us some weed for tonight.

Are you mental? I'm not taking a detour

to some skanky drug dealer's house.

We're supposed to be here for David!

This is for David, bell end.

For his stag night. We can't have

stag night without weed, can we?

- Can't we?

- No!

It's just down here, anyway. Turn left.

DAVID:
Yester?

MIA:
Yester Grange.

Oldest house

in the Blue Mountains.

DAVID:
Wow.

Mum, Daph, meet David.

David, this is my adorable mum,

Barbara.

Welcome to the family, David.

(cries)

Um, Mum, he's British,

you're scaring him.

Oh, I'm sorry.

- Um, hi, I'm Daphne.

- Daph, my sister and my bestest mate.

Great to meet you.

- So where's...

DAPHNE:
The old crock?

My husband has been the only man

in this house for almost 25 years.

So, please, excuse his...

..enthusiasm.

- Right.

- Don't worry, he won't eat you.

Yeah, we fed him a big breakfast.

So, sweetheart,

ready to meet the senator?

Uh, yeah. Can't wait.

You're not seriously getting

out of the car, are you?

- Haven't you seen Wolf Creek?

- What?

It'll be fine.

- You coming, Luke?

- You go, just leave me here to die.

Luke, can you look after my bag, please?

It's got all my stuff in it.

After I've been raped and murdered

and out into small pieces, sure.

Wait! Wait!

Tom, can we get in and out as

quickly as possible, please?

He's a drug dealer, Graham.

Do you think we're gonna

stay for tea and cakes?

You're the one who brought

your overnight bag.

JIM:
I told the caterer, no

wheat, no dairy, no nuts,

no gluten, no seafood, no marzipan.

What's so hard about that?

BARBARA:
Jim!

- It's time.

JIM:
Well, well, well.

We meet at last.

The hero of Tuvalu.

MIA:
David, my dad, Jim Ramme.

JIM:
Hmm, I was expecting

a little more beef.

Dad... be supportive.

Yeah, I'd give him a minute before

you start busting his balls.

I see you've met Daphne.

There we were, hoping she'd

get married as well one day.

Turns out she's a lesbian.

David, you must be exhausted.

Would you like to freshen up?

Actually, that'd be...

He probably wants to get stuck into

the grand tour, don't you, Dave?

(Laughs) You know, it's been a really

long flight and everything so...

The tour would be great.

- Hi! Are you Ray?

- No.

We're looking for Ray.

Said we could come by and get some

- (Clicks tongue)

You know... Some weed.

Come inside.

Mad Frank send you?

No, I emailed you. Um...

I'm Tom, from the website, remember?

- Who's the bag man?

- It's just my friend, Graham.

This isn't a Hitler moustache, by the way.

It's just how my facial hair grows.

RAY:
Sit the f*** down.

TOM:
OK.

So, how much do you need?

Five, ten kilos?

Just an eighth if that's cool.

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