A Few Best Men Page #3

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It's for a friend's stag night.

(Dog whimpers)

I'd prefer it if you tried it first.

I don't want you pounding down my

door in the middle of the night

saying I sold you dodgy grass.

(Chuckles nervously) I don't

think we'll be doing that.

I said, I'd prefer it

if you tried it first.

TOM:
Tastes good, doesn't it?

- (Coughs)

Tastes quite... Quite fruity.

JIM:
Next up, the sauna.

12-inch window with a five-star view.

(David laughs) That's funny.

- That wasn't a joke, Dave. MIA:

Grandad built that sauna in 1963.

Carpenter, struggling to raise seven

children, now I own the whole property.

You can have it all, Dave, if you

don't mind getting your hands dirty.

You see that house over there?

You play your cards right and

it's got your name on it.

- So, you guys mates?

- Yeah.

Grew up on the same street.

I used to have mates but most of

them are in prison or dead now.

Look, I've tried making new friends,

you know, on the internet and that

but I don't know,

you can't trust anyone.

One day they're your best mate,

the next they're stabbing you

in the back for a gram of speed

and you wind up having

to break their kneecaps

with a f***ing ironing

board, then where are ya?

- D'you mind if I use your toilet?

- In the meth lab.

Tom...

Hey, would you like to see

my new tattoo?

Yeah.

(Gasps)

- Ain't she a corker?

- Yeah.

- What is it?

- Well, it's a little kid crying.

And those are his bastard

parents leaving him for dead.

It's original.

And I've saved the best for last.

Pull your socks up, Dave, cause

they're about to get knocked off.

This is it - Jim Ramme HQ.

DAVID:
It's... impressive.

MIA:
This is also

where we keep Ramsy.

Uh, who's Ramsy?

DAPHNE:
He's the son Dad never had.

- I thought you were.

- (Daphne smirks)

Prepare yourself, Dave,

to meet the numero uno,

the king of kings, the

champion of champions.

This is Ramsy.

DAVID:
Wow. A sheep.

In the house.

He's not just any old sheep.

The day I was photographed

with this golden fleece,

my political career turned around.

(Groans) (Woman clears throat)

You've met my terrifyingly efcient

right-hand woman, Maureen Coate.

Mr Locking, I prepared an Excel

spreadsheet of the proceedings

for you and your colourful companions.

David, where are your friends?

- You got parents?

- Uh, yes.

Oh, you're lucky.

Yeah, my parents disowned me

when I got done for aggravated

assault and battery

at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

I still think about them.

- My parents...

- It's only natural.

(Sniffs)

Can I share with you

something personal?

I've started getting panic attacks.

One minute I'll just be sitting

down real nice and calm

and the next, I don't know, I

feel like I'm gonna sh*t myself

or I'm gonna puke or...

I feel like I'm trapped

in a sauna, you know?

Can't breathe, it's all

sweaty, it's f***ed.

Wow. Wow. Wow.

I don't know what it is but...

(Sighs) I feel like you and I...

..you know, we've got a

really special connection.

Tom!

- Hey, you want to see something cool?

- Yeah!

Wait there.

Can we get out of here, please? This

guy's starting to freak me out.

MIA:
So, gloves off, what do you think?

Shrewd choice, sweet pea...

handsome, sweet, diplomatically quiet.

Yeah, and you know what they

say about the quiet ones?

Tomorrow's gonna be tough.

My little girl says you can handle

it and that's good enough for me.

Half the power brokers in Australia

are going to be in that marquee.

The knives will be out and they

won't be for cutting the cake.

But watch them fall on their swords

when you and future senator Mia

Ramme step up to the mike.

- Mia wants to be a senator?

- She sure does.

She just doesn't know it yet.

Here, check this sh*t out.

Just got it in from Malaysia.

This fat old woman,

she swallowed the lot

and shat them out into a bowl.

I got a big f***ing bag of it, eh.

- Interested?

- I don't... It's not really my thing.

But... Oh, is that the time?

We should probably go now,

Tom, don't you think?

Well, I was thinking maybe while you're

in town, we could go for a beer.

- Huh?

- We'll go for a beer.

Well, I'd love to but

we've got lots on so...

- What have we got going on?

- We've got the wedding.

Yeah, but after the wedding,

we've got literally nothing.

Terrific. You give us your

number and I'll give you a call.

- My number?

- Yeah, yeah.

Uh, my number. Well, I can't

remember it cause it's a new phone.

Here, just take

one of his business cards.

It's got his number, his email

and if you really have nothing

to do, there's Twitter.

Maybe we could go out for a meal,

yeah?

- Yeah, that would be fantastic.

- Great.

- Don't worry about it.

- Thanks, man.

- So, it's a date?

- Yeah.

Total bloody knob end.

Why d'you give that guy my card?

I don't want to go to

dinner with that guy!

- Don't you?

- Of course not! He's a psychopath!

Let's get out of here before he

invites me on a weekend break.

(Laughs)

CATERER:
Ah!

(Crash!)

Jesus Christ on a bike!

Dave, your... mates are here.

Interesting choice of facial

scrub you got there, fella.

It's just the way my hair grows.

Well, there's only room for

one dictator in this family.

I'm so hungry, I could eat a

sack full of baby kittens.

This is amazing, Barbara. What is it?

We have Crystal Cove

prawns, Coffin Bay oysters

and lobster mornay in a cheese sauce.

(Graham retches)

(Tom chuckles)

Sorry - it's cheese.

I get malaise.

So, what do you do, Luke?

I fall in love with women who then

sh*t on me from a great height.

You shouldn't put them on a pedestal.

So what are the bride and

groom going to be doing

on their final night of freedom?

Oh, we're gonna crank up the Abba,

turn on the sauna, get pedicures.

Maybe do some underarm hair waxing.

- Oh, Daphne. Girls only, I'm afraid.

- Oh, that's a shame.

What about you boys?

I think we'll just head out,

have a quiet drink or two.

- Just two?

- You're welcome to join us.

Yeah, Jim, come with us.

We're gonna get wankered.

Not wankered.

Don't listen to what he says,

we're gonna get wankered.

I'm sorry about my

friends, that was awful.

Come on, they're really funny.

They're not meant to be funny,

they're meant to be normal.

Baby, it's a wedding, OK?

Worlds collide.

(sighs)

So, this is it, isn't it?

I'm not gonna see you till

you're walking down the aisle.

Afraid not.

Love you, Mr Locking.

(sighs)

- F*** me, mate, she's loaded.

- Can you keep your voice down?

Alright, David? You seem a bit stressed.

I am stressed. I just found out

I'm about to marry a Kennedy,

you turn up acting like morons.

- Who's acting like morons?

- You vomited onto your plate.

- It had cheese.

- Look, this wedding is important.

More important than anything ever

so I need everyone to behave.

(Bu rps)

OK.

(Sighs) I'm not going anywhere and

you're not getting me wankered.

DAVID:
I'm completely

wankered, you bastards.

TOM:
11th hour with the lads, of

course you were gonna get wankered.

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