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A Few Best Men Page #4
LUKE:
You're not seriously goingto move out here, are you, David?
Whatll happen to us if you go?
DAVID:
I'll always be therefor you, mate, wherever I am.
We're practically brothers.
So what? If Chip doesn't have a
penis, it doesn't reflect on you.
LUKE:
Who told you Chipdoesn't have a penis?
- Tom did.
- Tom!
TOM:
That Chip has sailed! (Laughs)This place is a nightmare.
They don't tell you about all this
sh*t in the adverts, do they?
Guys, watch this.
Graham. Graham.
What the f*** is that on your neck,
man?
(squeals)
(All laugh)
- Get it off me! Get it off me!
Get off me! Get off me!
Seriously, where is it? Where is it?
Where is it, guys?
It's on the ground, Graham,
with all the other leaves.
(All laugh)
GRAHAM:
Bastards.(Bleating)
What the f*** do we have here?
(Laughing)
GRAHAM:
Look at the sizeof his man b*obs.
This isn't just any sheep, Graham.
This is Ramsy.
The ram behind the man.
TOM:
David, get in there.DAVID:
No, no, I will not...(Laughing and bleating)
Six hours and 59 minutes till lift-off.
Go, go, go, people!
(Sounds horn)
- Come on!
(Door opens) (Gasps)
It's not too late to elope.
(Laughs) Oh, yeah, Dad would
be cool if I went and eloped.
Yeah, leave it to me to do all the
bad-ass stuff in this family.
Like smoking, failing
uni, eating cheesecake.
And pretending to be a lesbian
just to piss Dad off.
Daph, is it normal to feel this nervous?
Yeah, you could be about to make
the biggest mistake of your life.
It's a beautiful morning
Oh, oh...
(Gasps)
I think I'll just go outside
for a while
And just smile
Just take in
Ain't no sense in staying inside
If the weathers fine and
you still got the time
It's your chance to wake up and plan
Another brand-new
day Either way
It's a beautiful morning...
Aaah!
- F*** it!
(Clatter)
GRAHAM:
Luke! Tom!- (Groans)
- What are you shouting about?
- What do you think I'm shouting about?
- Get it off me!
- (Laughs)
- Alright, alright, calm down.
- (Whimpers)
Quick! Get it off me, please.
I can't breathe.
- What do you look like?
- Just get it off me.
- (Laughs)
- Please.
..sun shines when
you're still inside, man
Still inside
Still inside, the sun shines...
Hey, Ramsy.
(Bleats)
Oh, for f***'s sake.
(Bleats)
(Hums The Wedding March)
(Knock on door)
- Hang on, I got to get that.
No, not while I'm like this, Tom.
- What the f*** happened to my hand?
- Tom...
- Tom.
- Barbara, hi.
I see you made it through the
big night out in one piece.
Um, just checking if you
needed any clean... towels.
No, I think we're OK for towels.
Graham?
- Need some towels?
- Uh, no, thanks, Barbara. Thank you.
BARBARA:
Rightio, then.Bye, Barbara.
(Hums The Wedding March)
- (Ramsy bleats)
- (Clears throat)
Morning, David!
All ready for the big day?
Yeah.
Just wondering if I could
check in your room...
God, no! Uh, I mean, no. Thanks.
(Bleating)
- (Laughs)
OK, well, if you need anything,
if you need anything at all,
you just let me know, OK?
Yep.
- OK, bye.
- Bye.
(Graham groans)
- You alright, bruv?
GRAHAM:
Back off.- Jesus, Graham!
Why are you wearing a gimp mask?
Ah! He put it on me while I was asleep.
I don't know why you
thought that'd be funny.
- Yeah, must be insane, it's not funny.
- Stop it!
- Who?
- The sheep!
Jim's sheep.
That's right, the little f***er bit me
It's in my room
just like a lady... sheep.
- That was your idea to put it in drag.
- Oh, yeah, I did, didn't I?
at the time.
You need to get him back before
someone realises he's missing.
If Jim finds out we f***ed with
Ram, he's gonna go apes hit.
And I don't want to deal with
that on my wedding day, do you?
- No.
- Right then, so fix it.
Get her... him back to the old house.
Sorry.
(Bleating)
I rode my bicycle past
your window last night
at daylight
It almost seemed...
- Tom, seriously!
Can you stop filming me, please?
But you got something I need...
It's an elephant in sheep's clothing.
Oh, bless. It kind of suits him.
- Just, please, sort this out, OK?
(Luke groans)
And, Graham, shave off that
bloody Hitler moustache
or you're not coming to the wedding.
- Seriously?
- Yes, seriously.
(Bleats)
You got something for me?
Oh, I got a brand-new
pair of roller skates
You got a brand-new key...
(Gargles)
Hi, Sarah, it's Luke.
Four in the morning? Oh, I'm sorry.
Don't go too fast
But I go pretty far...
Tom, shouldn't you put some clothes
- You think he wants to see you naked?
- He's naked.
- Don't be so repressed, Graham.
- I'm not repressed, Tom.
I just don't want to see your
knob first thing in the morning.
- I already feel sick.
- Yeah, sick with envy.
Oh, yeah
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Look, it's totally understandable,
Graham,
for you to wish
you had a body like mine.
Oh, yeah, I really wish I looked
like a big ginger spider.
I've got a low centre of
when you're playing sports
like football and stuff bec...
(Gasps) (Music stops)
(Whimpers)
- Tom. Tom.
- What's the matter?
I think I must have picked
it up from Ray's by mistake.
Are you completely f***ed
in the head, Graham?
You don't steal drugs
from a guy like Ray.
I didn't steal it, Tom,
it was an accident.
What kind of a bell end takes
a bag of cocaine by accident?
GRAHAM:
Oh, my God.We're dead. He's gonna beat
us to death with the iron.
What do you mean, we? I
didn't steal his stash.
Well, he's your dealer. I didn't
wanna go there in the first place!
Oh, my God, Tom.
- You have to take it back.
- What?
- You alright, mate?
- I'm fine, yeah.
- Pretty much, yeah.
Good. I can't afford any
f***-ups today, OK?
Yeah, uh, talking about that, I think
me and Graham might need to nip off
just for an hour or so.
- What?
- We got something we need to do...
If you leave me today, I swear
I'll never speak to you again.
- Do you understand?
- Yeah, no problem.
You look great.
(sighs)
- Well?
- It's a no-go.
Oh...
We'll have to take it
and explain what happened.
Ray'll understand.
- He's a reasonable man.
- He's a very unreasonable man, Tom!
Did you hear what he said about
smashing people's kneecaps
with household appliances?
Shut up! Does that look like
reasonable behaviour to you, Tom?
- Not what you're showing me, no.
- You should call him.
- F*** off!
- Just say we'll bring the bag tomorrow.
Why don't you give him a call?
You're the one he likes.
Because I'll f*** it up. You know I will.
I'll say something stupid.
You're such a pain in the arse!
- Got no reception.
- Please try.
You owe me for this.
Ooh la la la
Oh, I've got a brand-new
pair of roller skates
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"A Few Best Men" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 29 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/a_few_best_men_1892>.
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