A Few Best Men Page #4

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LUKE:
You're not seriously going

to move out here, are you, David?

Whatll happen to us if you go?

DAVID:
I'll always be there

for you, mate, wherever I am.

We're practically brothers.

So what? If Chip doesn't have a

penis, it doesn't reflect on you.

LUKE:
Who told you Chip

doesn't have a penis?

- Tom did.

- Tom!

TOM:
That Chip has sailed! (Laughs)

This place is a nightmare.

They don't tell you about all this

sh*t in the adverts, do they?

Guys, watch this.

Graham. Graham.

What the f*** is that on your neck,

man?

(squeals)

(All laugh)

- Get it off me! Get it off me!

Get off me! Get off me!

Seriously, where is it? Where is it?

Where is it, guys?

It's on the ground, Graham,

with all the other leaves.

(All laugh)

GRAHAM:
Bastards.

(Bleating)

What the f*** do we have here?

(Laughing)

GRAHAM:
Look at the size

of his man b*obs.

This isn't just any sheep, Graham.

This is Ramsy.

The ram behind the man.

TOM:
David, get in there.

DAVID:
No, no, I will not...

(Laughing and bleating)

Six hours and 59 minutes till lift-off.

Go, go, go, people!

(Sounds horn)

- Come on!

(Door opens) (Gasps)

It's not too late to elope.

(Laughs) Oh, yeah, Dad would

be cool if I went and eloped.

Yeah, leave it to me to do all the

bad-ass stuff in this family.

Like smoking, failing

uni, eating cheesecake.

And pretending to be a lesbian

just to piss Dad off.

Daph, is it normal to feel this nervous?

Yeah, you could be about to make

the biggest mistake of your life.

It's a beautiful morning

Oh, oh...

(Gasps)

I think I'll just go outside

for a while

And just smile

Just take in

some clean fresh air, boy

Ain't no sense in staying inside

If the weathers fine and

you still got the time

It's your chance to wake up and plan

Another brand-new

day Either way

It's a beautiful morning...

Aaah!

- F*** it!

(Clatter)

GRAHAM:
Luke! Tom!

- (Groans)

- What are you shouting about?

- What do you think I'm shouting about?

- Get it off me!

- (Laughs)

- Alright, alright, calm down.

- (Whimpers)

Quick! Get it off me, please.

I can't breathe.

- What do you look like?

- Just get it off me.

- (Laughs)

- Please.

..sun shines when

you're still inside, man

Still inside

Still inside, the sun shines...

Hey, Ramsy.

(Bleats)

Oh, for f***'s sake.

(Bleats)

(Hums The Wedding March)

(Knock on door)

- Hang on, I got to get that.

No, not while I'm like this, Tom.

- What the f*** happened to my hand?

- Tom...

- Tom.

- Barbara, hi.

I see you made it through the

big night out in one piece.

Um, just checking if you

needed any clean... towels.

No, I think we're OK for towels.

Graham?

- Need some towels?

- Uh, no, thanks, Barbara. Thank you.

TOM:
David might like some.

BARBARA:
Rightio, then.

Bye, Barbara.

(Hums The Wedding March)

- (Ramsy bleats)

- (Clears throat)

Morning, David!

All ready for the big day?

Yeah.

Just wondering if I could

check in your room...

God, no! Uh, I mean, no. Thanks.

(Bleating)

- (Laughs)

OK, well, if you need anything,

if you need anything at all,

you just let me know, OK?

Yep.

- OK, bye.

- Bye.

(Graham groans)

- You alright, bruv?

GRAHAM:
Back off.

- Jesus, Graham!

Why are you wearing a gimp mask?

Ah! He put it on me while I was asleep.

I don't know why you

thought that'd be funny.

- Yeah, must be insane, it's not funny.

- Stop it!

The bigger question is what

is Ramsy doing in my room?

- Who?

- The sheep!

Jim's sheep.

That's right, the little f***er bit me

It's in my room

just like a lady... sheep.

- That was your idea to put it in drag.

- Oh, yeah, I did, didn't I?

I thought it'd be quite funny

at the time.

You need to get him back before

someone realises he's missing.

If Jim finds out we f***ed with

Ram, he's gonna go apes hit.

And I don't want to deal with

that on my wedding day, do you?

- No.

- Right then, so fix it.

Get her... him back to the old house.

Sorry.

(Bleating)

I rode my bicycle past

your window last night

I roller skated to your door

at daylight

It almost seemed...

- Tom, seriously!

Can you stop filming me, please?

But you got something I need...

It's an elephant in sheep's clothing.

Oh, bless. It kind of suits him.

- Just, please, sort this out, OK?

(Luke groans)

And, Graham, shave off that

bloody Hitler moustache

or you're not coming to the wedding.

- Seriously?

- Yes, seriously.

(Bleats)

You got something for me?

Oh, I got a brand-new

pair of roller skates

You got a brand-new key...

(Gargles)

Hi, Sarah, it's Luke.

Four in the morning? Oh, I'm sorry.

Don't go too fast

But I go pretty far...

Tom, shouldn't you put some clothes

on while you're doing that?

- You think he wants to see you naked?

- He's naked.

- Don't be so repressed, Graham.

- I'm not repressed, Tom.

I just don't want to see your

knob first thing in the morning.

- I already feel sick.

- Yeah, sick with envy.

Oh, yeah

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look, it's totally understandable,

Graham,

for you to wish

you had a body like mine.

Oh, yeah, I really wish I looked

like a big ginger spider.

I've got a low centre of

gravity which is quite handy

when you're playing sports

like football and stuff bec...

(Gasps) (Music stops)

(Whimpers)

- Tom. Tom.

- What's the matter?

I think I must have picked

it up from Ray's by mistake.

Are you completely f***ed

in the head, Graham?

You don't steal drugs

from a guy like Ray.

I didn't steal it, Tom,

it was an accident.

What kind of a bell end takes

a bag of cocaine by accident?

GRAHAM:
Oh, my God.

We're dead. He's gonna beat

us to death with the iron.

What do you mean, we? I

didn't steal his stash.

Well, he's your dealer. I didn't

wanna go there in the first place!

Oh, my God, Tom.

- You have to take it back.

- What?

- You alright, mate?

- I'm fine, yeah.

- Sorted out that sheep yet?

- Pretty much, yeah.

Good. I can't afford any

f***-ups today, OK?

Yeah, uh, talking about that, I think

me and Graham might need to nip off

just for an hour or so.

- What?

- We got something we need to do...

If you leave me today, I swear

I'll never speak to you again.

- Do you understand?

- Yeah, no problem.

You look great.

(sighs)

- Well?

- It's a no-go.

Oh...

We'll have to take it

back first thing tomorrow

and explain what happened.

Ray'll understand.

- He's a reasonable man.

- He's a very unreasonable man, Tom!

Did you hear what he said about

smashing people's kneecaps

with household appliances?

Shut up! Does that look like

reasonable behaviour to you, Tom?

- Not what you're showing me, no.

- You should call him.

- F*** off!

- Just say we'll bring the bag tomorrow.

Why don't you give him a call?

You're the one he likes.

Because I'll f*** it up. You know I will.

I'll say something stupid.

You're such a pain in the arse!

- Got no reception.

- Please try.

You owe me for this.

Ooh la la la

Oh, I've got a brand-new

pair of roller skates

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