A Few Best Men Page #5

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You got a brand-new key.

Ah, you look like a really

beautiful meringue.

(Laughs) Don't make me

laugh, I can't breathe.

- Something old.

- Oh, Mum, not your lucky coin.

BARBARA:
You might need it.

Hello, Ray?

Yeah, it's terrible reception.

- It's an answering machine.

- Leave a message.

- Can you just step back a bit?

PHONE:
..after the beep.

Yeah, hi, Ray. It's Tom and Graham.

Listen, we hate to tell you

this but we've got your coke.

- Tell him it was a mistake.

- It was a mistake of course.

- And we'll bring it back tomorrow.

- Shut up.

- Alright.

- Not you, Ray.

That was Graham

being a shithead as usual.

Anyway, we're really sorry, man.

We'll bring it back tomorrow.

- And hope we haven't caused any...

- Inconvenience.

..inconvenience

and have a great weekend.

(Sighs) There, done.

(Sighs) Cheers, mate.

Now get dressed quickly,

we're gonna be late.

My wedding suit. I left

it in the bag at Ray's.

Oh, spoiled for choice.

REPORTER:
Political king maker

Jim Ramme

negotiates a different kind

of coalition today ...

the wedding of his daughter Mia,

or should that be Princess Mia,

to David Locking.

How's that? Crap?

This morning

I woke up with this feeling

I didn't know how to deal with

So I just decided to myself...

Borrow some ugg boots if you're

getting cold feet, Dave.

Oh, Jim. Not at all.

There's only one person you

got to impress here today.

- I know, Mi...

- Eddie Marshall.

Chief Party Whip.

He's the last man standing between you

and your surprise wedding present.

So why don't you slide over there

and dazzle him with some of

your cheeky English charm?

(Belch)

- Hey, Luke.

- David.

- You...

- (Clears throat)

- ..doing OK?

- Yeah, I'm doing fine.

I'm really, really good.

Never better.

- Did you call Sarah again?

- Yeah.

Uh, she said that she hates my guts

and that she wishes I were dead.

Jesus, Luke.

Look, Dave, please, come

on, look, it's fine.

OK.

You look like my Uncle Reggie

who's dead.

Great! I look like a total idiot.

Look at these sleeves, they're too long!

- Just keep your arms by your side.

- What, all day?

I'll look like a f***ing penguin.

Oh, these are the itchiest

trousers I've ever worn.

Seriously, it's unbearable.

You're lucky you have any trousers at all.

Now, stop scratching your balls.

Speaker of the House, Marion Bowers.

And my old mate,

Commissioner Leo Marinetti.

Commissioner Marinetti.

Nice to meet you all.

- Any of your family joining you, David?

BARBARA:
David lost his family.

- But he has us now.

JIM:
Well, almost.

So we'll count his friends

as family until then.

It's a very important thing, family.

- You need to appreciate them.

- Yeah.

Even when the maid of honour

turns into the best man?

DAPHNE:
Ouch.

COMMISSIONER:

That's families for you.

When they're no longer around to drive

you bonkers, you wish they were.

But by then it's too late.

All you're left with are regrets

Memories.

Wasted years.

Excuse me a minute.

I look bloody mental!

What kind of grenade takes his

luggage into a drug dealer's anyway?

Tom! You made us go there

in the first place!

Excuse me. Graham!

- What the hell are you wearing?

- I forgot my suit, had to borrow this.

VIVALDI:
La Primavera

- Oh, God, this is it.

- Bloody hell.

Before I forget, Tom, my

wedding present for Mia.

What, a mobile phone? That's romantic.

A video. Just before my speech,

plug it into the monitor,

hit play when I give the word.

- Got it.

- You got that sheep back, yeah?

Oh, no! l forgot.

- How did you forget?

- There's a lot going on, David.

Just make sure you deal with it

straight after the ceremony, OK?

(Luke laughs)

- Oh, Jesus, we've lost Luke.

- Oh, God.

(Luke laughs hysterically)

- What the f*** is he doing?

Alright, we'll deal with him.

Graham, stick him in the car.

- What? Why me?

- I'm taking care of David.

(sighs)

- Let's do this.

- Right behind you, brother.

(Luke laughs)

- What are you doing?

Ah!

Jesus, Luke!

How much have you drunk?

(Plays violin)

- Here you go, the ring.

DAVID:
Thanks.

(Camera clicks)

Pachelbel's Canon

The Wedding March

Here we go.

(Daphne plays violin very badly)

(clapping)

Dearly beloved, when someone puts

a ring on the finger of another,

they pronounce, Now you are mine

That act of possession

removes mystery

and marks the end of a

relationship, not the beginning,

because real wisdom does

not try to own love,

doesn't try to control it

but simply stands in awe and says,

I love you

Rock music

David, please place the

ring on Mia's finger.

Rock music

Mia, please place the

ring on David's finger.

Rock music

Mia, do you take this man to be

your lawful wedded husband...

Rock music

..to have and to hold...

Rock music

..in sickness and in health...

Rock music

- ..till death do you part?

- I do.

Rock music

And, David, do you take this woman

to be your lawful wedded wife...

..to have and to hold...

Ah!

..in sickness and in health

till death do you part?

I do.

GUESTS:
Ooh! Oof!

By the power vested in me,

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

- You may now kiss the bride.

- Ball!

Massive ball!

(Screaming)

JIM:
Well, I promised you a

ball and boy, didn't I deliver?

So, into the marquee. Uh,

put your drinks on my tab.

Let's get this Liberal Party started,

eh?

Are you OK?

Two feet to the right and Eddie

Marshall would have been flattened

by a runaway flower arrangement.

He always comes up smelling of roses!

That is not helping!

- It's probably just a sprain.

- Mia, I am so sorry.

David, don't worry about it, honestly.

Look on the bright side, we'll

probably be a YouTube sensation.

Great!

- Oh, easy, easy, easy.

- Mine, it's mine.

Luke!

- We're almost there.

- (Clears throat)

Uh, Jim.

- I am so, so sorry.

- For what?

Your best man playing skittles

with the Australian parliament?

You had better go and tell your mates

to pull their thick heads in, Dave.

Eddie!

Aah! So sorry, man. Don't

know what happened.

You drank three bottles of

champagne, that's what happened.

I was loosening up for

the best man's speech

which is under control.

(Reads) By the way, congratulations

to David and Mia...

OK, you don't have to do it now.

I'm so glad that you found a woman

- Don't peak too early.

- Told you it should have been me.

(Reads) ..acting like a filthy whore.

That was rubbish.

(Sighs) My God, they must hate me.

TOM:
Of course they don't hate you.

Who could?

GRAHAM:
Sh*t.

Whoa, leave her alone, leave her alone.

Put her down.

We're gonna need to rethink

the best man's speech.

I'll take care of it.

Stop it. Sony.

Love

Exciting and new

Come aboard

We're expecting

Sorry, I've got really itchy trousers.

Oh, you can play with your balls

till you're blue in the face,

it doesn't bother me.

- I really like your outfit.

- You do?

It's a really nice... outfit.

Yeah, well, I wasn't gonna wear a dress.

Even if these pants do

ride up my bum crack.

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