A Few Best Men Page #6

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Here you are, mate...

Well, I'd happily swap, you know.

I'll wear those trousers and

you can wear the itchy...

- Listen, can I borrow you for a second?

- Yeah, sure.

- This is Daphne, Mia's sister.

- Hi, Dorothy.

You can have him back in a minute.

Wait, Tom, did you have to drag me away like that?

I was doing really well.

Come on now, it's never gonna happen.

Why not?

For one thing, you're

in an old man's suit.

Plus, she's a lesbian.

Yeah? Well, I thought

maybe I could turn her.

Don't be ridiculous. You won't turn a muff-muncher.

Even I'd find it hard.

Listen, you're gonna have to take

care of the best man's speech.

- Right.

- Great.

Sorry, what do you mean by

take care of the speech?

You have to do the speech,

they'll call you in five.

- Right.

- Good.

- Sorry, one quick question.

- What?

Are you out of your f***ing mind? A

speech in front of all these people?

- I don't have my material.

- I thought you wanted this!

I don't want it thrust on

me at the last minute!

- Just make something up!

- I can't, Tom.

- You make something up.

- Listen to me, Graham.

David needs you,

this is his wedding day.

So step up and take some

responsibility for once in your life.

I'm the one who called Ray, you're

the one who's doing the speech.

And don't worry, I'll give you a hand.

I didn't ruin your wedding day, did I?

- Well...

- You know I love you so much, dude.

Love you too.

You know, if you had a vagina,

I'd probably have sex with you.

Actually, I think I'd have sex with

you even if you didn't have a 'gina

just to show you what a good

friend I think you are.

That won't be necessary,

but good to know.

Now go to bed and sleep it off, OK?

(sighs)

(Bleating)

- I... don't know what to say.

- Stop.

We did it. We're married.

I thought the best thing that's ever

happened to me was about to be...

Bowled off a cliff?

I don't ever want to lose you, Mia.

Ah, you got me on a beach in Tuvalu.

And guess what,

now you're stuck with me.

Ladies and gentlemen, please vote

one for Mia and Dave Locking-Ramme.

(clapping)

Mr Locking.

Mrs Locking.

Shall we?

The Wedding March

The rest of the day is gonna

be perfect, I promise you.

I'll get it, Ray. I swear,

just a few more days.

RAY:
What do you think

I am, a bloody clown?

Eh? Do I look like a clown? Do I?

- Excuse me, Ray.

- What?

There's a message on

the answering machine.

I think you might wanna hear it.

MACHINE:
Hi, Ray. It's

Tom and Graham...

(Static)

We hate... you.

(Static)

We've got your coke...

shithead. (Static)

Have a great weekend.

F***! F***!

He's stolen my drugs! He's

stolen my bloody drugs!

I trusted the little bastard!

You little prick!

I'm gonna string him up!

I'm gonna hang him up

by the f***ing balls!

Ray, it's a wedding invitation.

Get the f***ing keys.

Can't believe it. I can't

believe I agreed to do this.

What am I gonna say?

Why not say something about how we're

surprised David's getting married

because when we first met him,

we totally assumed he was gay?

Oh, yeah, yeah, good one.

It's a best man's speech,

it's supposed to be funny.

Have you been out there? I don't think

that's the right audience for this.

They are.

What if I say something about Australia

being England's old penal colony?

You know, something like

that, something relevant.

Why not throw in they're a nation of

in-bred pointy-headed sheep f***ers

who think culture is yoghurt?

Well, if you're so good,

let's see what you've done.

- Oh, great, you've drawn some tits!

- (Laughs)

Thanks, Tom! You're

supposed to be helping me!

I am helping you! I told

you to do the gay thing.

I'm not doing the gay thing.

Then I knew I knew,

I knew, I knew, I knew

She could make me happy...

- Jim.

- Yes, dear.

What is Eddie Marshall

doing at the bridal table?

That's odd, there must

be some sort of mistake.

Maureen doesn't make mistakes.

Last chance to come clean, dear.

You know how you're always going

on about me never being home?

- When do I go on about it?

- Well, I'm retiring.

That's right, I'm going

to throw in the towel.

And with Eddie's blessing, I'm

gonna give my seat to Mia.

Is that what Mia wants?

- Have you even asked her?

- I don't have to.

- Yes, you do.

- No, I don't.

It's a surprise -

my wedding present.

It's not your wedding, Jim!

(Grunts in anger)

Such a lovely day to be here today.

It's such a lovely day to be here... Oh, Christ!

I'm getting the jitters.

Don't think

I can go through with this.

Yeah, thought this might happen.

- Is that Ray's coke?

- It's just one, he'll never notice.

Are you off your nut?! We've

got to give it all back!

I've got to do a speech!

I can't do drugs!

What sh*t are you talking, Graham? This

will give you a bit of confidence.

- Really?

- Absolutely. Come on.

Isn't that a bit much?

You need to do a lot otherwise

it won't have an impact.

Come on, before someone comes.

- Good afternoon, Barbara.

- What in the hell is going on?

Uh, we just... We, um...

Is that cocaine?

Yeah.

Well, don't just stand there gawping.

Line em up!

You could desalinate your soil by

replacing wheat with mallee scrub

and that'll earn you big CER

bucks into the UN trade subsidy.

Excuse me.

- David.

- Wow. That sounded impressive.

Four years of political

science will do that to you.

- I thought you did sociology.

- No, majored in Conflict Resolution.

Very useful in my family.

And your psychology degree

is going to come in handy.

- Physics.

- What?

- I did physics.

- Oh. Of course you did.

Oh, I knew he wasn't

going to let go easily

but this one really takes the biscuit.

Gotta say, didn't have you

pegged as a party girl, Barbara.

Oh, last couple on the dance floor

until Jim became

this right-wing maniac.

Now look at him - retiring!

Giving up his seat for his daughter.

Try forcing it down her throat

You can mess with me -

that's one thing...

but mess with my kids?

No way, Jose, that's it!

End of the road!

- Your turn, Graham.

- I'm alright, thanks.

Don't be such a wuss.

Meow! Meow! Don't be

such a p*ssy, come on.

- (Laughs) P*ssy.

- (Barbara meows)

Howzat?

Eddie's going cold.

Christ! Now what do we do?

Barbara's gone AWOL.

Right! Now I'm really

going to enjoy myself.

(Laughs)

It'd be quite bad, wouldn't it, to

try and shag David's mother-in-law?

Of course it bloody would.

Sh*t, that cokes strong!

- Completely f***ed.

- I know.

- I'm really wired.

- You told me to have loads.

I think I may have been a bit gung-ho.

So, Eddie, has your third

wife left you yet?

Ladies and gentlemen, would

you please take your seats?

GRAHAM:
I can't feel my face.

..best man's toast to be

delivered by... Graham.

(Clapping)

- What?

F***! I'm not ready, Tom.

Have you got the speech?

Thanks.

(Silence)

Tits?

Tits.

Tits...

'Tis a wonderful occasion.

Uh, I must admit I was a bit worried

about coming to Australia at first.

It being the country we sent all

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