A Few Best Men Page #7

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our criminals to and everything.

But Australia is no longer

just a penal colony

for England's rapists and murderers.

No, it's now a country in its own right.

Or at least it was since you lot stole

all the land off the Aborigines.

(Silence)

Uh, I think I can speak

on behalf of all of us

when I say that I'm very pleased

to hear that David's now married

especially since at first we all

thought he was a homosexual.

Homosexual.

(Barbara chuckles)

But hopefully, Mia, you haven't

just married one of those gays

that's in denial for years

and then you come home and find

him in bed shagging another man.

Uh, but don't worry, Mia, there

are signs to look out for,

like anal sex.

(Silence, stunned gasps)

Apparently, if he's

excessively into anal sex,

then that's a sign, so

look out for that one.

Um, I mean, it's fair enough if

it's just occasional, you know

I mean, I'm sure that you've tried it.

Most couples try it, don't

they, at some point?

Uh, just... If you haven't tried it and

you are gonna try it this evening,

then just go easy on each

other, don't whack it up dry,

use some butter from the

table or something...

Thank you, Graham.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the bride and groom.

(Polite clapping)

JIM:
Maestro!

- Well, that was... That was...

- Awful?

Atrocious? Humiliating? What

the hell was he thinking?

I don't know, David, he's your friend.

David, are you a homosexual?

(Static)

No, of course not.

Because if you're doing this for a visa,

the Minister for Immigration

is sitting there!

I'm not gay, it was a joke.

We'd better start laughing,

then, hadn't we, eh?

(Jim laughs forcefully)

(David laughs nervously)

Fantastic! What I really loved

is you gave everyone here

an image of David doing Mia

up the arse.

You gave me the wrong piece

of paper, you moron.

I was left with your picture of tits.

- Sh*t, mate, is that what happened?

- Yes.

David, I'm so sorry.

I had the whole speech worked out

but when I got the paper out,

it was just this picture of tits

and it just totally threw me.

You need to apologise to Jim.

- Do I have to?

- Yes!

I think he's about to

go into cardiac arrest.

(Car engine growls)

KAL:
I haven't been to a wedding

in years.

F***ing little dead sh*t.

I thought we had a connection.

I even told him about my panic attacks.

- I'm gonna barge in there...

- You can't barge in dressed like that.

Oh, I can barge wherever I f***ing like.

You want to go in there

and mess this guy up?

You want everyone to recognise you?

You got to blend in, dress nice.

It's a wedding.

Barbara, could I have a word?

Too many words, Jim,

not enough champagne.

- (Jim chuckles nervously)

- Come on!

Weddings. Women.

- Crazy.

- Yes.

Still, my girl's working

the room like a pro.

EDDIE:
You honestly think she's ready?

There comes a moment in time

when the universe cries out...

Jim, I just want to apologise

for before.

You see, what I thought

was actually my speech

actually turned out to

be this drawing of...

Well, you can see what it is.

It's tits.

Anyway, I'm really sorry.

Sorry? Hah! Come on!

You'll have your own chat show

with a performance like that.

You were a riot!

It was really, really, really funny.

You pull your head in, kid.

- Jim.

- This is going pear-shaped.

Gotta do something fast

to turn this around.

- Bump Ramsy ahead of schedule.

- Yes.

Give me something strong, please.

Have you got a Molotov cocktail?

Oh, no, a dirty martini,

please Yeah, times two.

Thanks.

That's got to go down as the worst

toast in the history of bad toasts.

I don't know, I thought

it was pretty funny.

Really? What,

even the bit about anal sex?

Are you kidding? That

was, like, the best bit.

- It's all anyone can talk about.

- Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah, well, I didn't wanna do

something boring, you know?

Sugar, Sugar

Spruce him up, boys.

Full bells and whistles.

We've got a Senate seat to save...

- To lesbians.

- Amen to that, sister.

Yeah. (Laughs)

Hmm, there's something very

sexy about a man in uniform.

Even sexier out of it. (Laughs)

- What the hell are you doing?

- Dancing at my daughter's wedding

- You? (Laughs)

- Jim, could I have a word?

- It's important.

- Oh, I bet it is.

- What is it?

- It's Ramsy.

He's gone. I just went to check

his pen and he's not there.

(Grumbles)

- Dad, what's wrong?

- Ramsy is missing.

- I'll be back in a minute, yeah?

- You can't go now.

They're about to call the bridal waltz.

I'll be one minute, I promise.

- However, I'm telling you...

- Where's Ramsy?

- What?

- The sheep.

- You didn't take it back, did you?

- Sh*t.

Are you stupid in the mind?

We need to get him back right now.

Excuse us.

Oi... Uh, I just...

I told you you'd need a suit!

Get f***ed.

Boys.

(Squeals and laughs)

- Hi!

- Oh, Mum, you're drunk?

Not at all, darling. I just

had a shitload of coke.

TOM:
I left him in here, I swear.

Luke? Luke!

- Have you seen Ramsy?

- Who's Ramsy?

- The sheep. The sheep I left in here.

- I don't know any sheep.

I've gotta go and do the bridal waltz.

I'll be back in five minutes.

You'd better have found him.

Sorry. I need your help, Leo.

- Somebody's stolen my sheep.

- Who? The caterers?

I'm serious, Commissioner.

Alright, Jim.

Slow-motion weekdays stare me down

Her lipstick reflex got me wound...

- What does it look like?

- It's covered in wool and it bleats.

What do you think it looks like, Luke?

Aah!

- Oh, my God.

- What?

- Most of the drugs are missing.

- Huh?

Ramsys eaten them all.

Ramsy, you idiot!

Ray's gonna hurt us really bad.

What are we gonna do?

- Laxatives.

- What?

Give it a load of laxatives,

maybe it'll sh*t it out.

Yes.

GRAHAM:
Yes.

Yes.

Yes, thank you.

And now, ladies and gentlemen

a father's dream come true...

his daughter dancing the bridal waltz.

(clapping)

a, la, la, la, la, la, la

a, la, la, la, la, la, la

You alright? You're dripping with sweat.

- No, yeah, I'm fine. You?

- Oh, great.

Apart from the fact I lost my husband,

Dad's lost Ramsy

and Mum's lost the plot.

- Did your friends give her coke?

- What?!

Of course not. Who would

they get coke from?

Come on, come on.

Come on, eat it!

Oh! For God's sake!

He'll eat a load of drug-filled condoms

but he won't eat 50 laxatives!

- Oh, my God! We are dead.

- Shut up, Graham!

(Far?)

- Hang on.

I think he's done something.

- (Tom gasps)

- Yes!

- We've got one.

- Yes!

Have you seen Jim's sheep?

(Man laughs)

Come on! It's no good.

He's not shitting them out quick enough.

- You know what I'm thinking, Graham?

- No, what?

I'm thinking you're gonna have

to stick your hand up his arse.

Sorry?

I said, I'm thinking you're gonna

have to stick your hand up his arse.

Yes, I heard what you said. I

just can't believe you said it.

Well, there's no other option, is there?

How else are we gonna get

the drugs back?

OK, let's just be absolutely

clear on something

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