A Few Best Men Page #8

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so there's no misunderstanding.

I'm not sticking my hand

up anything's arse!

(Bleats)

And that's fine, Graham, but you're

the one who's gonna have to tell Ray

that we were gonna give him his

drugs back but not any more

because they've been eaten by a sheep!

Sh*t!

Whoo!

Oh, God, look at her.

She's off her tits.

(Laughs hysterically)

I really need to go to the toilet.

- Are you doing coke, David?

- No!

I'll be back in two minutes.

Ugh!

Come on, Graham, don't p*ssy about.

Get stuck in.

It's no good, Tom, I

can't get good purchase.

Oh, hang on.

- I think I've found something.

- Yeah?

(Silence)

What the f*** is going on?!

It's not what it looks like.

- You've got five seconds, Graham.

- What, me? Uh, well...

Now, don't panic, David.

It's too late, I'm afraid, Tom!

I'm already in major nuclear

f***ing panic mode!

- What's that?

- That's nothing to worry about.

That's just some condoms

with some cocaine in it.

A condom with cocaine in it?

Graham stole it from the

guy who sold us the weed.

I didn't steal it, I took it by mistake.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God,

this can't be happening.

This is my wedding day.

It's supposed to be the most

memorable day of my life!

- Probably is in a way.

(Both chuckle)

Just calm down, OK?

I know this looks bad but it's fixable.

- How?

- Well, first things first.

We've got to get those drugs

out of that sheep's arse.

You're Barry Gribble's son, right?

Yeah, how's your dad?

Haven't seen my dad since

Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Now you're doing it. Squeeze,

squeeze it like a sturgeon.

- What the f*** are you talking about?

- It's a fishing term.

Here comes another one.

Oh!

Sorry, busy in here. Shouldn't

have had the curry prawns.

MAN:
My tie, it's stuck.

Excuse me, I said my tie is...

TOM:
OK, now, tickle, tickle,

tickle, tickle the gonads

so we get some bonus secretions.

(Laughs) Having a good time, girls?

Great! Except my husband

keeps going missing.

Oh, married life - get

used to it, darling.

Uh, Mum, I think it's time for one

of your special night-night pills.

Push! Push! You can do it, Ramsy!

Push!

Oh! Oh!

- I think that's the last one.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah, I think so.

- Alright, good.

Now get him back down

to the Old House.

D'you mind if I wash my hands first?

They're covered in sheep sh*t.

Uh, Luke, what's that you're holding?

I don't think I can go on, David.

Are you f***ing kidding? Are

you f***ing kidding me?!

Sorry.

I don't have a choice.

Just... Hold on a second, Luke.

And think about what you're doing.

All I can think about is her

all the time.

Her and that dick-less wonder.

Do you guys have any idea what it's like

to think about your ex-girlfriend

having sex with a man without a penis?

Well, you don't know for sure

that he doesn't have one.

You said so yourself.

It's just a rumour.

To be fair, I did hear it from

a pretty reliable source.

BOTH:
Shut up, Tom.

(Sobs)

Listen... Luke, d'you honestly think

that Sarah's gonna take you back

if you've shot yourself in the head?

- He's got a point, Luke.

DAVID:
Come on, mate.

Give me the gun.

No.

Ah! Ah!

Stop! Stop! Aah!

(Gunshot)

Aah!

Your father just got the catering bill.

Back in a minute. Watch her.

Jesus, Luke! You could have killed

one of us, you bloody maniac!

Alright, calm down. Everybody,

just take a deep breath.

Oh, my God! I've been shot!

- What?

- Look at my arm!

- You shot me, Luke! You idiot!

- Sorry.

- Sorry?!

- Alright, Jesus, Graham.

It's only a flesh wound,

can we stop moaning?

I'm not moaning!

It's always something with you,

isn't it?

If it's not the malaise,

it's the air sickness.

If not the air sickness, it's something else!

I'm sick of it!

- I've been shot, Tom!

- Fine.

OK, let's all acknowledge the

fact that Graham's been shot, OK?

- There! You happy now?

- Not really.

(Bleats)

- Sh*t.

- Oh, my God.

Come on, baby

Let's do the twist...

There's no wound. It must have

gone into shock. What do we do?

Maybe we should give it

mouth-to-mouth.

- Good idea.

BOTH:
Graham.

- Yes?

- You know CPR, don't you?

Not on barnyard animals.

Oh, come on, it's the same sh*t.

Just breathe into his mouth.

- You do it!

- You've had your hand up his arse.

What difference if you

breathe in his mouth?

How do I even do it? His

mouth is the wrong shape!

I can't even get any suction!

Right! Out of the way.

Come on, little miss

And do the twist...

(Sobs)

One, two, three.

Come on. Come on!

- Come on, Ramsy.

- Breathe.

Come on, come on!

(Music stops abruptly)

- It's not what it looks like.

- Really?

(Luke sobs)

(Ramsy grunts)

TOM:
He's alive! He's alive!

- Mia, stop!

- What the hell was that, David?

I mean, yeah, I've got a sense of

humour but who are you people?

OK, OK, take a deep breath.

Remember the beach, you and me,

Tuvalu.

Tuvalu suddenly seems like

a very long way away!

Mia, stop!

Have I just made a terrible mistake?

Have we just made

a terrible mistake here?

Do we really know each other?

I mean, maybe what we have

is just a holiday romance.

Don't say that. This is just a

really unfortunate situation.

I'll sort it out, I promise!

You keep saying that but it just seems

to get worse and worse and worse.

It hasn't been that easy for me,

you know.

I'm doing my best.

And now I find out you're

gonna be a senator.

I'm not going to be a senator.

I don't want to be a senator.

Wha... Uh...

David, look,

all I want is to be with you.

So I'm begging you, whatever

weird sh*t is going on here,

just sort it out.

Please.

You alright, bro?

God, that was all a bit

awkward, wasn't it?

I thought you were

supposed to be my friend.

Wait, of course I'm your friend.

- What are you talking about?

- The drugs. The sheep. The speech.

Are you purposely trying

to screw up my life?

- Why would I wanna do that, David?

- I don't know, Tom!

Maybe because you're jealous?

Selfish? Immature?

Hang on a minute! Yeah, I'm immature!

Who's the one marrying

a girl he barely knows

and leaving his friends behind

like they don't count for sh*t?

How bloody immature is that, David?

OK, so I didn't entirely know I

felt like that until just now.

But it's true, innit?

You're dumping us.

You're moving on and you're

destroying my youth in the process.

Right, so what you're saying is that

you don't support me getting married.

That's right, I don't.

I think you met a girl on a beach

holiday, I think you don't know her

and I think you didn't

even consult me, David!

- Consult you?!

- Yes, consult me!

I'm sorry if my getting married makes

you feel old but I love this girl!

- This is my chance to have a family.

- Thought we were your family.

Yeah, but you're not my family, Tom.

You're my mates.

And however much you call me

brother or 'bro' won't change that

Hello, Graham.

(Whimpers)

There you are, David! The

dance floor is hotting up!

- Hi, Barbara.

- It's going off!

- I've just got to...

- No, not got to nothing.

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