A Few Best Men Page #9

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You're not a real member of this family

until you have macarenaed

with your mother-in-law.

- Where are my drugs?

- There. They're all there.

Why do my drugs smell like sh*t?

Uh, we... We, um...

Had to, oh...

You let me down, Graham.

- I thought we were friends.

- We are friends.

- I thought you liked me.

- I do like you.

Is that... Is that my suit?

I shared with you and what do you do?

You spit it back in my face.

The whole thing was just

a big misunderstanding.

I never would have taken

your bag on purpose.

Look, we're mates, aren't we?

We're going out for dinner next week.

Hmm?

Maybe... Maybe a drink afterwards?

OK, sure. We'll have a good time.

- What happened to your arm?

- It's nothing.

I just got kind of shot,

it's just a flesh wound.

You're gonna need

to get that cleaned up.

- Well, I think...

- No. You need to get that cleaned up.

- OK.

- Good.

Take your pants off.

(Barbara laughs)

Ah! Hey! Yay!

- Thanks, that was great.

- Where do you think you're going?

They haven't played YMCA yet. Yoohoo!

- (Luke whimpers)

- (Ramsy bleats)

I was thinking I could maybe let

you off for taking the drugs.

- It was an accident, wasn't it?

- Absolutely, Ray.

Oh!

- No!

- Yes.

- What are you doing, you idiot?

- Saving your arse, that's what.

I completely talked him around! He

was gonna let us off the drugs!

How am I supposed to know that?

You're lying there bare-chested!

- I don't know what's going on!

- What are we gonna do, Tom?

He's gonna go ballistic!

Sauna - lock him in the sauna.

Little bit too much to drink.

That's why we go to the YMCA

ALL:
That's why they go

to the YMCA...

- Dave?

- Oh.

Hi.

- How's it going with finding Ramsy?

- Who told you Ramsy was missing?

Mia. Mia, she told me.

TOM:
Blown it, we've blown it, Graham.

This is insane, is he gonna be OK?

We'll fix it, we'll fix everything.

Let's just save this f***ing wedding.

DAVID:
Alright, alright.

Alright, guys, so here's the plan.

First, get the sheep

back to the Old House.

Two, get rid of the drugs and

C - go back to the party

and behave like proper adult human beings.

Clear? Graham.

How are we gonna get him

back to the Old House

when there's, like, a

million people downstairs?

We make a harness out of bedsheets

and lower him out the window.

Graham, you come with me.

Tom, you lower him down.

By myself? Look at the size of the f***er.

What if I drop him?

Luke, we need your help.

I'm useless, David. I'm

just useless to everyone.

Ah! That really hurt.

Good. I'm sick to death of you

feeling sorry for yourself.

Sarah's gone

and she's never coming back.

(Sobs) No!

- Ah!

- It's over.

You got to pull yourself together.

Life's too short for this sh*t.

- (Sighs)

- Luke, I want my friend back.

OK.

Yeah, I feel a little crazy

I feel a little strange

Like I'm in a pay phone

Without any change...

- Sauna... Sauna!

Oh, this is f***ed! Get

me the f*** out of here!

I feel like a school...

- Ramsy, Ramsy, good, Ramsy.

May we have a word, gentlemen?

Good sheep, nice and tight.

So, David, big day for you.

Jet lag OK? Weather not too hot?

What's in the bag?

This bag?

- Wedding presents.

- Presents, wedding presents.

May we see the wedding presents?

Yep.

That's one. I haven't wrapped it yet.

Gentlemen, you may be aware

that Ramsy is missing.

Jim's sheep.

Have you seen the sheep?

Have you seen any sheep?

Oof!

GRAHAM:
I saw a sheep... once.

When... I was a kid.

(Mobile phone rings)

You'll tell us if you see

anything, won't you?

We'll shout.

Mum! Hello.

Alright. Off you go.

- Feel like I'm gonna be sick.

DAVID:
Not yet.

We've got to get Ramsy back

to the Old House first.

Then you can be sick.

Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa...

Oh! No! No!

ALL:
One, two, three.

(squeals)

Please! Let me out!

Let me out!

Thanks, guys.

I'm just gonna go and be sick now.

(Door unlocks)

- F***! Go! Go!

MIA:
Well?

- It's taken care of.

- You are one lucky bastard.

- Technically, he's an orphan.

- Fine.

- You are one lucky orphaned bastard.

- I know.

(Graham retches)

(Laughs)

Uh, Jim, I don't know

how but Ramsys back.

Must have just gone for a little walk.

Oh, well, so he just opened

the gate by himself,

had a little cup of coffee,

came home and closed the gate?

Sorry to waste your time, Leo.

As long as Ramsy is safe and

sound, that's all that counts.

Ready the ram. My future's riding on it.

Help! Aah!

And now, the one you've all

been waiting for... Ramsy!

(clapping)

Baa, Baa, Black Sheep

This is really weird.

Follow that, Dave.

Thanks, everyone.

Firstly, I'd like to thank

Jim and Barbara

for putting on such a

magnificent wedding...

and doesn't Barbara look

stunning, everyone?

Uh, the bridesmaids, of course,

the caterers...

Mia, I don't think

I can describe in words

just how much you mean to me.

So I hope that this little video

will go some way towards showing

just how much I love you.

VIDEO:
Shotgun Ramsy,

shotgun Ramsy.

(Shocked gasps)

David kissed a sheep, David's

getting on to a sheep.

Stop it. Cut it. Cut it.

Right, that's not the video

I meant to play. Obviously.

You violated my sheep!

Jim, I know that looks bad but, really,

we were just playing dress-ups.

It's not like

we're a bunch of criminals.

Where is my f***ing cocaine?!

(Shocked gasps)

Graham.

You lying, thieving, stealing

little motherf***er.

I'm gonna kill you.

Alright, fella, drop the gun.

(Shocked gasps)

- Raymond.

- Dad?

Oh, come on, sweetheart.

It's going to be alright.

You gave it your best shot.

Even if it was just for three hours.

(Mia sobs)

This is the best wedding

I've ever been to.

I can't wait to see

what's gonna happen next.

Baby we can talk all night...

DAVID:
We didn't plan any of this.

Oh, really?! You didn't plan to offend

the entire Australian parliament

with your hilarious antics of sheep

stealing, racism and buggery,

not to mention that naked

gun-wielding maniac!

We didn't actually steal the sheep.

We may have dressed it up

with some bra and panties...

Shut up! Or I'll break

your other f***ing hand!

Baby you can cry all night...

- That's a bit harsh.

- With all due respect, Jim,

I know the wedding hasn't

been the smoothest...

Do you seriously think

under any circumstances

I would allow my daughter

to associate with you,

the backpacker,

and this bunch of deadbeats?

Jim.

When I proposed to your daughter,

I could not stop thinking

about what it would feel like

to be a part of a real family.

What I've come to realise is that

these 'deadbeats' as you call them

these idiots, morons, complete

and total f***-ups...

OK, David, we get the picture.

..they are my family.

And they're not perfect

but I know that no matter what happens,

they'll always be there for me.

I'll always be there for them.

What on earth

are you blathering on about?

I love your daughter.

And I will do whatever it

takes to make this right.

Save your breath, son. It's over.

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