A Genius, Two Friends, and an Idiot Page #3

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- Right. Like all white men.

Rank?

Deserter.

- How'd you like to be a colonel?

- Could be nice for a change.

What do you say, Lucy?

Where you gonna get the uniform?

That's on its way

but you'll need whiskers.

Whiskers?

Like these?

The guy you're standing in for

has a real set.

Then I'll grow my own.

Just give me time.

All the time you want

wouldn't give you whiskers.

They don't grow on Injuns.

On me they do!

Because I'm not an Indian!

- What is it?

- Shh!

Someone's coming.

A wagon or a stage...

That's what the stupid redskins do

to hear far-off sounds.

In the age of the telegraph they still

throw themselves on the ground.

- Coming this way?

- Who?

How do I know?

You believe you can put your ear

to the ground and hear a stagecoach?

- An escort?

- It's being followed.

- How many riders? Injuns?

- Four. No, the horses are shod.

- Joe, they're shooting!

- Yeah, I know.

How the Christ can you know

without your ear to the ground?

They're shooting at a colonel

with a red beard.

See? When you're not an Indian

you get it wrong.

Where are you? There's the coach

and there's the idiot.

But where are the four riders?

Here we are, Steam Engine.

Mortimer!

What are you doing

with the beads on?

It's the fashion.

But what ain't never the fashion

is witnessing.

Throw down your gun.

You shouldn't have seen

what you just saw.

Why? What did I just see?

You saw the colonel.

You saw us made up in beads.

Oh, you got beads on, huh?

I swear to God I never even noticed.

- In any case, you noticed us.

- Me?

No! No!

- So who the hell are you talking to?

- Myself.

I always talk to myself.

You know what prairie folk are like.

I talk and I listen.

Hoping that someone somewhere

will hear and answer me.

For the sake of the old days

when we worked together.

Remember?

Mortimer.

Jelly Roll will hate you

for even thinking about such an idea.

Why don't you answer me?

- Let's cut it short.

- No! It's a joke.

No!

Stop!

Don't shoot.

He's my brother.

Where did you get hold

of a sister like her?

Come on. Let's have a better look.

Be a good girl.

Bring up the curtains.

To save his life and make us happy

you'll have to split into four.

Stop!

Don't lay a hand on my girl.

Christ! How many are you back there?

Leaving out the women

and unarmed men, just me.

But I'll split into four

to make you happy.

Now cool off, buster.

We only meant to have a little fun

with your girl.

Why not, Joe?

Let them have a little fun.

Let's all have fun.

What's wrong with that?

Why take chances, darling?

There are too many of them.

Throw down your gun.

Throw it down, darling.

- I missed!

- Naturally. He moved.

- What do you mean, naturally?

- You can only hit sitting targets.

Throw it away.

You'd be better with a bow and arrow.

I was so scared.

- Keep it up and I'll name my price.

- Name it!

Oh, Bill!

How come you call him darling

and me brother?

The true fact is

I can't make up my mind.

I don't know who I love most.

Told you.

But you had to have it your own way.

I'm... going to die.

Well, we're sorry as we can be.

- Yeah! It's real!

- Please!

Don't let me die like this.

Not knowing.

- What, Colonel?

- Why do you all keep pulling...

my beard?

Didn't have time to tell him.

Soon Major Cabot will know

he's dead.

- Back to square one.

- Yeah.

- He's getting the hang of it.

- Jesus! Is he moving!

He's not heading for Cabot.

He's going to Jelly Roll.

What's this Jelly Roll like?

He believes in an eye for an eye.

Well, we didn't get them all, did we?

One got away.

Yeah. But three of them are dead.

So? Everything depends

on how you tell it.

He did it.

Shot them right between the eyes.

He threw me the gun, Jelly Roll.

I'd never shoot your men.

Hey, keep moving! Come on!

You caught their attention

with your creamy thighs.

- I didn't force them to look.

- Pity you can't hit a moving target.

- Poor Steam Engine.

- Right. But I was wise to them.

And I got out of the way.

- You see?

- I can hit six out of six!

But you didn't know

that Mortimer was...

wise to you.

I didn't. Where did you go?

To my right.

Like you should have.

It's easy to hit a moving target.

Now only four of us know

Colonel Pembroke is dead.

It's good to meet a man

who catches on so fast.

What are we gonna do with Mortimer?

Bury him in a Mexican cemetery.

Wise guy, huh?

- Trust him. He's with me.

- Looks like you're with him.

Let's see if we can raise the colonel

from the dead.

"We're not ordinary people."

We're not ordinary people,

Major Cabot, we're Americans.

The prairies must be firmly anchored

to our great country

if we're to realize our ideals.

- How's that?

- It'll do.

Now the beard.

Jesus!

Oh, well. But with the proper...

trousers and boots,

shoulders,

a little spit and polish

here and there...

Well, what do you think?

- I think he's fine.

- So do I.

Then... there's no doubt about it.

They'll shoot you.

Keep saying it, Bill.

We're not ordinary people,

Major Cabot...

Not that. You said it all night.

The instructions.

Goddammit!

I'm fed up with this clown act!

Go to the fort,

pass yourself off as Pembroke.

- Confiscate the $300,000. Then?

- Then?

If they haven't strung me up,

I head due east fast and meet you.

If Cabot gives me an escort,

you'll stop the coach

shove a gun in my neck

and say "Move and I'll shoot."

- Go on.

- If there's no escort, don't do it.

We get the hell out of there

and live happily ever after

on a beach.

- Fine.

- Perfect. What are you so sore about?

That'll do, Michelangelo.

What am I so sore about? Look at him.

Think he'll pass for a cavalryman?

- You think you'll pass for a colonel?

- That's what I'm saying!

They won't even let us into the fort.

They'll eat us alive.

- Too bad for them. Let's go.

- Giddy up, there!

Whoa!

A wagon without a driver.

Who the hell are you talking to? Me?

A colonel in the United States Army?

Keep on croaking.

I can't understand a word you say.

If what you're saying is words.

You know what you can do with it.

Hey!

Let's have a little respect here.

- He sees beyond the mountains.

- I see right in front of my nose.

If an old redskin can see it too,

I'm screwed.

- What was that?

- The Western Railroad Company.

On its relentless march to the sea.

This is where I get off.

- Good luck, Colonel.

- The branch is too big for that Injun.

Hey, Joe.

Give old Dry Branch there a hand.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Attention!

Whoa!

Colonel.

Welcome to Fort Christabel, Colonel.

I'm Major Cabot.

- We're not ordinary people, Major...

- Later, Daddy.

This is, I presume, Miss Pembroke?

- Yes, presumably she's my daughter.

- Many a flower's born to blush unseen.

And waste its sweetness

on the desert air.

Shall we go inside?

- Who did you build the gallows for?

- Oh. That Indian, sir.

A horse thief. Follow me.

This way.

I've had the best quarters in the fort

prepared especially for you.

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