A Genius, Two Friends, and an Idiot Page #4

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I'm astonished, Major Cabot.

Frankly, I never expected to meet up

with such a polished gentleman.

- This makes it worth it.

- Compliments on the set-up.

Beneath these rough uniforms

lurk hearts of purest gold.

Sergeant Milton looks like a bear

but he's just a child grown too fast.

In here.

The rest of us are ordinary people.

We're not ordinary people,

Major Cabot, we're Americans.

Colonel, would you care for a cigar?

I think it's a flavor you might enjoy.

The prairies...

Yes, indeed.

Daddy, you're smoking!

Of course I'm smoking.

The prairies must be firmly anchored...

If that's anchored

you'll burn to death. Take it off.

There you are.

The best quarters

prepared especially for you.

And wastes its sweetness

on the desert air.

I'm gonna waste your sweetness,

little girl.

Let's go, Sergeant.

It's all over, Bill.

They got you by the short hairs.

- Son of a b*tch!

- It was our plan.

For you to dress like a colonel.

And you did it.

What's the matter with you?

Why do you suddenly trust me?

Poor Bill baby.

That takes all the fun out of it.

Now we have to think

about the third member.

He's sly so we have to think hard.

What did Jelly Roll call him?

- Joe Thanks.

- What?

- Joe Thanks.

- The names these people have.

You'd better send

your men after him.

Where, sir?

Jelly Roll says you can't grab him.

He's here, he's there.

Slippery as an eel.

- Where we gonna look?

- That's your own problem, my boy.

- Just get him, will you?

- Yes, sir.

I want him in my office immediately.

What are you doing here?

Who are you?

What do you want?

An egg.

An egg this small.

Pale green and speckled brown.

You'd call it

the color of buffalo sh*t.

A baby buzzard with a hooked beak.

He sticks out his pink-green neck

then his bare big toe.

Mama buzzard,

like any loving mother,

swoops down

with a nice, fat piece of carrion.

I know the desert sun

can affect the brain.

Shh!

High above...

Papa buzzard, his wings steady,

ensures nothing disturbs the little one

munching on the tender, rotten meat.

Suddenly:
boom!

Thunder shakes the mountain.

The rocks are burst asunder.

And the dust of death rises

up, up, up into the sky.

Papa buzzard weeps in the heavens.

Weeps for his murdered mate and baby.

"Make them stop killing everything."

Who?

They're here with their dynamite.

Drilling holes in the rock and: boom!

All dead.

Papas, mamas, helpless little ones.

What's worse,

it's hard for a fella to relax.

I sleep in a cave under Red Rock.

Tell them to stop.

- Get out of here.

- My mistake.

I heard you're protecting buzzards.

I am.

I feed them flesh of people

who enter my office and bother me.

Now get out of here!

Stop!

Just a minute.

Did you talk to anyone else about...

Did you mention your concern

for the buzzards to anyone before me?

No, I came straight here.

You did the right thing, my boy.

Guard!

This Cabot runs a lousy prison.

Not a match in the place.

He's out to break me

with slow torture.

He said he'd waste my sweetness.

This'll learn you to listen

to that baby-blue-eyed wise guy.

What's Joe got to do

with us being here?

Jelly Roll cheated us, not Joe.

You got a noose around your neck

and still you stand up for him.

- Answer me!

- No!

I'm standing up for him

because he's a friend of mine.

I can count on him.

If you're still counting on him

to name his price, forget it!

Because it's too late.

Say what you will.

The only thing I regret

in my whole life is Joe.

Me too.

$300,000!

He has everything worked out.

Never makes a slip. A genius!

Know what I'd do if I had him here?

Tear off his head and eat it like this.

Go ahead but don't ruin your dentures.

Oh, Joe!

- Joe! Joe!

- Lucy!

I knew he'd get us out.

Oh, sure.

Am I making a mistake

or are you also a guest here?

You couldn't be more right.

Oh, that quietens my heart.

This is a pleasure.

They'll string us up in the morning.

At least we'll swing together.

- Will we, Joe?

- The Injuns are always pessimistic.

- It's working out how we planned.

- Is it?

It's like playing pool.

The ball bounces into another ball

and drives it into the hole.

Where are you going?

No power on Earth can persuade us

to go forward with this railroad.

So you can save your breath.

We're going back.

We're through.

Think it's worth blowing up a mountain

just to get to the Pacific?

I tell you, it's full of stones

as hard as metal.

Never seen anything like it.

Milton!

This is all alluvial rock.

Those railroad men didn't see

what was before their eyes.

This is quartz. Pure quartz.

Scratch it and you'll have

an avalanche of nuggets.

Take a pickax

and you'll find pure gold.

Like I found on that chair.

I had it tested.

Pure gold.

Gold.

I've said there's gold here

for 15 years but nobody...

Nobody believed me.

Seems we've lost our horses.

You're the linguist, Sergeant.

It's all yours.

- I'll try

- Don't overdo it.

I'll trade a wide tract of grazing land

with plenty of good water and buffalo

in exchange for

this useless piece of sand and rock.

And to show that I mean business

I'll even sign a treaty.

- What did he say?

- He'll only deal with the colonel.

The one who just came to the fort.

Not with a son of a b*tch like you.

- That screws us.

- That depends.

Ask him if he ever met the colonel.

He says

he knows him only by reputation.

Then tell him the colonel

will be delighted to shake his hand

and strike a bargain.

- But Colonel Pembroke...

- Is enjoying our fort's hospitality.

You're only hanging the two of us?

Get going.

Come on.

This way.

I think he's fine.

Just fine.

This way, Colonel.

Get moving. On the double.

- Come on.

- Colonel Pembroke, sir.

My fellow officers and I hope

you'll accept

our fort's humble hospitality.

Miss Pembroke, you come to us

like a desert flower.

- How charming.

- Not at all, Miss Pembroke.

- I hope you won't pick my petals.

- They must be plucked, not picked.

May I accompany you to the table?

Remember when Indians surrounded us

in the Black Mountains?

A bedraggled squad of cavalry

trapped on a hilltop

encircled by a swarm of Indians.

I was a mere lieutenant.

And you, Colonel.

Were you a major or a captain?

I was a general.

I never met a funnier man

than your father.

Yes. Me neither.

Seeing there was no way out

the colonel said, "Dismount.

We shall stand and die together."

It was a massacre.

Oh, you mean they got us?

- I'll get you if you bail on us.

- What should I do?

- Tomorrow you talk to an old Indian.

- About the 300,000?

- Trifles!

- What trifles?

Your father asked

why I wasn't decorated

for that day's deeds.

As I told him,

the joy of serving my country

has been satisfaction enough.

We are not ordinary people.

We are Americans.

Sh*t!

- No fun playing alone, is it?

- I need a queen, I got a jack.

- Turn it into a queen.

- Gone crazy or were you born that way?

Let me see it.

- What?

- Let me see it.

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