A Genius, Two Friends, and an Idiot Page #5

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Jack.

Queen.

- See? Easy.

- If I could do that at a poker game!

You can do better than that.

Watch this.

Now...

One,

two,

three.

- Kids' stuff.

- Let me try.

I get it.

The trick is to open the cards.

The trick is to get the door open.

There it is. Yeah!

You got bad cavities.

Shut your mouth or I'll fill them.

I can shut you up and open the lock

with one shot. The keys!

Halt!

Left face!

Attention!

- Where do you come from?

- El Paso.

- Don't we know each other?

- I don't think so, sir.

- I'm from a different place.

- What kind of place?

A place where men are men, sir.

I'll teach all of you

what a real man is.

That's my job here.

I'm gonna hit this fella

and he's gonna smile and say,

"I didn't feel it,

I'm a soldier of the 5th Cavalry."

- Let's try.

- As you wish, sir.

- Did it hurt?

- No, sir.

- Why not?

- I'm a soldier of the 5th Cavalry.

- Did it hurt?

- No, sir.

- Why not?

- I'm a soldier of the 5th Cavalry.

- Did it hurt?

- No. It wasn't my foot, it was his.

Silence!

Left...

face!

To the quartermaster's store.

Forward...

march!

Hey, you!

Stop!

Stop him.

I know him.

He's crazy.

Grab him!

That guy insulted our major.

- Come down here.

- No. I wanna be free.

Listen.

- Come down here.

- I'm afraid you're gonna beat me.

Go back to your cell.

- The major doesn't like escapees.

- No. I don't care about the Cavalry.

- Saw down that pole.

- Sergeant! What are you doing?

No. Stop it.

Make them stop, Sergeant.

- Make them stop, Sergeant! Sergeant!

- Are you gonna come down, then?

Yes, sir.

No. No, Sergeant.

I wanna be free like a buzzard.

- I want to be free!

- He's crazy! Saw it down.

Make them stop, Sergeant.

That's dangerous. I wanna live.

I wanna live.

No. Don't. No. No.

No!

Get him out of that wagon.

Open wide.

And now?

Now it's solitary confinement for you.

You! Bring me the keys.

- Back inside?

- Sir.

Give them a hand.

Come on.

Look at the sun, Sergeant.

Bye bye!

Shoot him down!

Shut the doors!

Stop, you fool.

That cannon's loaded.

Don't shoot, you stupid...

It's pointing at the ammunition wagon.

- What do you want?

- I forgot my hat.

If you don't mind, Sergeant.

I'm afraid I have a very bad habit.

Pass the hat round, Sergeant.

Come on.

Whatever you can afford, boys.

Put it in the hat.

Come on.

- Come on, men.

- Thanks.

Hurry up, Sergeant.

Hey, you.

My gun.

Take it to him.

- Give, men.

- Thanks. Hurry up. Not too tight.

Thanks.

Thank you.

You're doing fine, Sergeant.

Your turn now.

Thanks.

Careful with that cigar.

Don't forget,

you're a soldier of the 5th Cavalry.

Whoa! Take over, Major.

- The stupid Indians are falling for it.

- Sergeant.

You let that madman get away

with horses and a cannon.

Who's stupid?

Colonel.

I think we should take positions.

Don't try anything

or I'll send the sergeant to the fort

and he'll do awful things

to your daughter.

- Yeah, you told me.

- Right.

Look happy.

You only have to sign your name.

It'd be easier if I had to kill

I can't write.

Is this the Indian?

But this old man knows me well.

He's known me since I was a kid.

- You've grown up. You have a beard.

- He sees beyond the mountains.

He's probably recognized me.

- The chief says...

- I'm not deaf.

- You can understand him? How?

- I'm a lip-reader.

- The chief says...

- I'm not deaf.

- I'm not either. What did he say?

- He's willing to sign.

If Colonel Pembroke's here

to witness.

Okay, I'll watch you sign.

Let's get on with it.

- Everything all set here?

- All ready. You just need to sign.

What's he want? A little extra bonus?

A bottle of whiskey?

- You better tell him, Sergeant.

- No, you better tell him, Colonel.

The chief is satisfied with the treaty

but asks why you're giving them

this land full of water and buffalo

for a hole in the rock

full of nothing but fool's gold.

Fool's gold?

Sure, it's gold. But what the hell?

Anybody can buy gold dust.

Joe Thanks was the other partner.

The one you sent the boys looking for.

All the time

he was locked up in the next room.

- I can't figure out why he did it.

- I'll tell you.

He was in cahoots with the old Indian,

cheating me out of that territory.

To succeed he had to use you.

To force me to present you in public

as Colonel Pembroke.

The 300,000 greenies were an excuse

to get you working for him.

He just wanted

the Indians to get the land back.

Indians! You're right!

That fella has a thing about Indians.

He was in cahoots

with that decrepit redskin.

That's why he got me into this mess.

To screw me.

Now you're gonna screw him.

Yeah. All right.

Major, Joe may have scr...

done us wrong

but Bill wouldn't double-cross

a friend.

- He'd prefer to hang?

- Bill has Indian blood.

Indians don't even double-cross

people who double-cross them.

Indians, no. Me, yes.

I'll double-cross anyone.

- You, my ma, my pa.

- Don't let them drag you down!

If Joe did what he did,

he must have had a good reason.

I got 1,000 good reasons

to give him right back what I got.

Genius!

I'll show that son of a b*tch!

Now you're talking

like I like to hear.

- When do you want me to betray?

- The $300,000 is to be split.

All we have to do is follow

your friend's plan to the letter.

But with one tiny variation.

Ah, Colonel Pembroke, sir.

I hereby consign to you $300,000

to be returned to the U.S. Government.

Colonel, may I have

your signature, please?

It's time to make your mark.

Captain.

- Major.

- The escort is assembled?

- Yes, Major. Assembled and waiting.

- The coach will be leaving shortly.

The sooner it's underway,

the less chance it'll get lost.

Thank you. Thank you, Colonel.

Escort!

Attention!

Will you allow me to escort you

as far as Albuquerque?

- And if I don't?

- Very kind.

- May I assist you?

- Thank you.

Here's the variation I told you about.

When he holds up the coach

he's not gonna get the money.

Excuse me, my dear, would you mind

showing a little surprise to your papa?

He is going to...

get this.

I'd like to see Joe's face.

I'd really like to see his face.

Yes. You'll see it.

You'll be there when he opens it.

Stop!

He's riding slap bang into it.

Stop!

Stop! They wanna kill...

Colonel Pembroke!

They wanna kill Colonel Pembroke!

- Not a man in black on a black horse?

- No.

I see a man in white on a white horse.

- But it comes to the same.

- It's Joe!

They wanna kill Colonel Pembroke.

They wanna kill Colonel Pembroke.

- They want Colonel Pembroke's life.

- Who? Who?

Who wants to kill me?

I do.

Major, order your men

to drop their guns over there.

He's an assassin.

Do what he says.

Out of the way.

I will give that order.

Our colonel's life is at stake.

Do what this man says.

Escort! Throw down your guns.

Over there.

Escort! Follow me!

Mind handing me that box of money?

Major!

I order you to give him that box.

Very well, Colonel.

Excuse me.

Thanks.

Thanks.

I never saw

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