A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III Page #5

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It's all yours.

Lupe.

Lupe? Calm down.

Something

terrible has happened. - How terrible?

Poor Coco is dead.

No, no, no. Oh, God.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, God.

Now I don't have anything.

You dirty rat. Go ahead and try.

Leave a message at the tone, see?

Charlie, it is Marnie.

I haven't heard back

from you all day.

Tonight is the Christmas party. Please

don't forget. Wear your tux. Goodbye.

It's Stacey.

I'm coming by to get Ivana's

ski stuff and shoes after work.

You can leave it by the garage door,

okay? Thanks, Charlie.

Alex, what is wrong with this picture?

There you go. My man.

Here. Keep it.

We're in this thing together, Alex,

you and me.

You always take really good care of me.

I really appreciate it. Thank you.

Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey, what are you doing?

Oh, hey.

Oh, hey, stop, man! Stop!

Hey, Bobby, get down here.

I need some help.

This guy just busted the front door.

Stop. Stop.

Damn it.

Hey, stop! Come back here.

Hey! Hey!

Whoa, whoa!

What the f***!

Really? How about some of that?

- A**hole.

- Taxi. Taxi. Taxi.

Thank you.

Hey, man.

Can I buy some drugs from you?

You know where I can get some coke

or some grass?

Heh, no.

But I have a friend who sells caviar.

Beluga, from Russia.

Perfect. Take me there. Yay!

Andrei, where are you now?

Eight hundred bucks? Wow.

This sh*t better be good.

It's the best. Beluga from Caspian Sea.

I brought here myself.

Only the best for me, right?

- Heh.

- Only the best, heh.

Hey, oh, here.

Thank you.

He seems pretty

drunk, I should've ask for more money.

Yes, he's hammered.

11700 for you. 10011 for me.

See ya.

I want to get drunk.

- You seem like you already are.

- Bullshit.

Mm.

Oh, yeah.

Mm, mm.

Oh, yeah.

- Heh, do you like it?

- Great.

Exactly. See, you get it.

That's why I'm so mad at her.

She never gave me a chance to explain.

Okay, yeah, yeah. Just keep going.

God, I'm an a**hole.

What I'm about to do

can never be forgiven.

You're not going to hurt somebody?

Maybe somebody hurt me.

Did you think of that?

Maybe somebody hurt me.

Get out of here!

No, no, heh, ha, ha, look, look.

It's just a headphone.

It's fine. It's fine. Everything's fine.

Just keep going. Here. More vodka?

Here's 100 bucks. I want you to wait

right here. I'll be right back.

Here's more.

F***. Prickle.

Taught me

about passion, about truth.

I thought

I'd never be able to... To feel again.

Then you came into...

And now that you're in my arms

I'm never gonna let you go.

Do you see that?

There's someone outside the...

Outside the window, behind that tree.

Oh, my God.

It's my ex-boyfriend behind that tree.

Charlie?

Who is this guy?

- Who am I? Who are you?

- Stephen, go back inside.

So this is time alone?

Act one, scene two.

We're rehearsing, you idiot.

Buddy, she wants you to leave her alone.

We're working.

Are you asking me to kick your ass?

- Oh, my God.

- I studied Wing Chun.

Shut up and just go inside.

What are you doing here?

Trying to find out the truth.

And now I know.

You're going skiing with him.

Are you drunk?

What's with the headphones?

You loved me in the beginning.

Don't you understand?

I don't want to be with you anymore.

And yes, I'm going skiing with Stephen.

- I didn't change.

- That's your problem.

You loved me before

and then you just changed your mind?

I don't know what you want me

to say to you.

You're crazy. You're selfish.

Go away. It's over.

How could you be so sweet to the

toothbrushes and such a b*tch to me?

What are you talking about?

You know, Ivana, I was thinking.

It was kind of a sad thought.

I'll meet someone and it won't be you.

And I'll fall in love with her...

and I'll have kids

and a happy family...

and then I won't love you

like this anymore.

And I'll miss it.

And I'll miss you.

I can't bear not loving you.

It will really be totally over between us.

And then much later...

I'll see you again and you'll

have grown older, and I'll be old.

And I won't even care.

You'll just be a wrinkly old lady

with gray hair.

And I won't even care anymore.

I don't want to not love you.

Come here.

I could tell you that I hate you.

That you mean nothing to me.

And part of it's true.

But part of it's not.

Thank you for everything

that you gave me.

Our experiences, the times we've had.

Even the bad ones.

It all adds up to my life.

Me too.

Good bye.

You know, I always imagined

a much different ending for us.

Of course you did.

I'd be in a tux, like this.

And a spotlight would come on.

And you'd enter stage right

in a sparkling gown.

Mwah!

Hey, I want to get my shoes back.

Okay?

Oh, yeah, of course.

Your shoes, you got it.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

Ho-ho-ho, Merry Christmas.

There we go, try some of that.

Merry Christmas, good to see you.

Hi, sweetie, Mwah.

- You made it.

- Yes, I did.

- Uncle Charlie.

- Merry Christmas.

Hey, there they are, whoa.

Ugh, barnacles. Aah, help,

I'm being attacked by barnacles.

Hey, Charles. Mwah, Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas, sis.

- Thank you.

For what?

I have f***ed up so much recently.

I heard about what you did.

Thank you for sticking up for me.

The cops came looking for you.

I told them your car was stolen.

Oh, quick thinking.

Tomorrow I'll take you to impound

to pick it up.

You're crazy,

but I love you so, so much.

I love you so much.

Is, uh, is Kirby here?

- There they are.

- Charlie. Merry Christmas.

- Oh.

- It's so great to see you two.

Swan, I ran your numbers again.

And things are not as dire as I thought.

So there's hope for me?

There's always hope.

Hear about Karen and I?

Going to Greece for Christmas.

Saul is so sweet.

He put the plane tickets in my cereal box.

What do you think of that?

Merry Christmas, Kirb.

I love you, man.

Happy Hanukkah, Charlie.

I love you too, brother.

- Holy sh*t.

- What?

I think I'm in love.

I just met this girl over there?

I think she's perfect.

- You think she's the one, huh?

- I think she could be.

- That's fantastic.

- Yeah.

Folks, listen up. We have some business

to discuss in the conference room...

if everyone can please

head in there now, chop chop.

Including you.

I've been asked to present this gift

by the employees of Swan Design...

to honor a very special person.

To know him is to be

exasperated by him.

Ladies and gentlemen,

little Charlie Swan lll Junior.

Which I guess makes him

Charles Swan IV.

I have an idea for your album cover,

it just popped in my head.

Yeah? What is it?

It's everything.

Everything plus the kitchen sink.

Morning.

Looking good.

How are we doing?

You have to figure it out.

- Hey. Looking good.

- Excellent.

- Looking sharp. How are you feeling?

- Great. Great.

I'm Charlie Sheen

and I play Charles Swan lll.

I'm Jason Schwartzman

and I play Kirby Star.

I'm Katherine Winnick and I play Ivana.

I'm Bill Murray. I play Saul.

I'm Patricia Arquette. I play Izzy Swan.

I'm Liam Hayes and I wrote the music.

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