A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III Page #4

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I love my wife.

But she's so heart...

Hard, ahem, to live with.

She wants me out.

She's decided. And that is the deal.

Don't you think deep down

Karen wants it to work?

You guys have been together forever.

And the kids.

She's been unhappy.

Kind of like she was just waiting.

You know, waiting for the kids

to get a little older.

Waiting for me to lose...

almost all desire for her, whatsoever.

Did she lose patience with you?

Ivana started losing patience with me,

man.

Oh, yeah. Exactly.

That's the beginning of the end.

I've been thinking about the Greek Isles.

There's so many beautiful girls there.

I wanna be free.

To lay whatever girl

who might be interested...

in a old balding business manager.

Do you ever stop wanting

the sexy young ones?

Hmm.

Desire is about as close to happiness

as I'm gonna get.

Good Morning, Lupe.

Guten Morgen, Mister Swan.

You look very good, healthy.

Thank you, Lupe.

I feel good.

Today is going to be a great clay.

A fresh start.

Yes, Mr. Swan.

Hello, my friend.

Come with me

you pretty, pretty thing you.

There you go.

Is my friend still here?

He left early.

Coffee?

Is this the cat sh*t

coffee that I ordered?

It's called Kopi Luwak.

It's more like a marsupial.

Hmm, how weird.

Do I have any calls?

You know whoos sister called...

Ivana's Sister?

What does she want?

She want to pick up Ivana's stuff.

No, I can't believe it...

She's sending her sister?

Why can't she come...

I'm not going to eat her.

How ridiculous.

You're supposed to not get stressed.

No one else called?

There was another

call, but they hung up.

From who?

I don't know they just hung up.

- A woman?

I don't know,

I couldn't tell you.

Thank you, Lupe.

It's okay.

You know, I'm going

to forget about girls.

I'm going to take this opportunity

to read great literature,

get in shape again, and oss.

What did you think of her, Lupe?

She was like a child.

She had more growing up to do.

That's why we were good

for each other. I loved her.

I know...

She hasn't been eating.

I'm worried about her.

Beautiful bird, why aren't you eating?

Today is going to be a great clay, Lupe.

A great clay.

- Yes, it is, Mr. Swan.

Hi, Stacey. It's Charlie. Charlie Swan.

I heard that you called.

Well, don't you think

she should call for herself?

Right. Uh-huh.

Well, I disagree with you.

What the f***, Stacey? This is crazy.

She can't have her sister

do her dirty work for her.

Tell her if she wants her f***ing stuff to

get her fat ass over here and come get it.

No. Well, yes, I'm angry.

Only because I still love her.

Well, I can't accept that,

especially coming from you.

You don't know what she put me through.

And I still love her.

Look, Stace,

I'm sorry I got upset with you.

You just have to understand

what I'm going through.

Right. Right.

Okay. Will you tell her

I'm still thinking about her?

I don't know if she heard,

but I had a health issue with my heart.

Yes, I'm serious. No, no, no. I'm fine.

I'm all better now.

Maybe you could let her know

I'd like to tell her in person.

Okay. Okay. I understand.

But only if you let her know

I'm being cool about everything.

Okay. When you wanna come by?

Tomorrow is soon.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Her ski stuff's here somewhere. Mm-hm.

Wait. Are you telling me she wants

her ski stuff because she's going skiing?

Well, what the f***, Stacey?

I can barely even shave in the morning

and she's going skiing.

Who's she going with?

Goddamn it, Stacy. Don't be evasive.

She's going with a guy. Isn't she?

Oh, God.

This is the worst phone conversation

I have ever had.

Hey. Oh, no, barnacles.

I'm being attacked by barnacles.

Happy birthday, Grandma.

I brought you flowers.

- You look great for 95!

- Who are you?

I'm Charlie. I'm your grandson.

I'm Mary's son. Your daughter.

I'm her baby.

You're her baby?

You're Charlie. I know who you are.

You're not a baby.

Oh, I wouldn't be so sure.

- What?

- She's 95.

I'm just joking, Grandma.

Izabelle, are you married?

Yes. Grandma, look.

I have three kids, a dog and a husband.

A dog?

- She can't hear you.

- When are you getting married?

- Don't give her a hard time.

- Grandma, damn it, I'm married.

You're never gonna believe this.

Her sister calls,

tells me she's going skiing.

Got to be that actor from her class.

I never should have encouraged it.

Let's not talk about her. It's over.

Face it. It's probably for the best.

- You never liked her.

- That's not true.

She's beautiful. She's funny.

She's full of life.

I didn't think she was

that great for you.

What about that is

not great for me?

- Know what? This whole thing's boring.

- Yes, it is. It's boring. Forget her.

You're not the only person, Charles.

- What's wrong with you?

- I'm in a bad mood. I'm sorry.

Why are you wearing those glasses?

Did Martin hit you?

- No.

- Because I'll kick his f***ing ass.

Martin did not harm me.

He's not capable of that.

Tsk.

Oh, Iz, what happened?

"Dear Miss Swan, we regret to inform

you that the Orpheum Press...

is electing not to publish your

manuscript."

Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry.

Sweetie, there are other publishers.

They're the one that I wanted.

They published my last book.

Oh, they're stupid.

I am so... I'm so disappointed.

Come here. It's okay.

Don't cry. Don't cry.

I'll beat them up for you.

Where?

Oh, where is my pizza?

Where's my pizza?

I ordered it an hour ago

Where's my pizza?

Hey.

Everybody,

in case you don't know this man...

this is Charles Swan lll, the dude

who was going to do my album cover.

Charles.

I need your help, man.

Charlie, listen to me.

I'm telling you this is a mistake.

I know it is.

It's a mistake I'm gonna make.

- You can't go back.

- I have to find out what's going on.

- I'm spinning out, man.

- You don't listen.

Sanchez, grab the case, man.

You don't listen.

What did you mean when you said

I wasn't going to do your album cover?

The label wants to talk to other

designers. It's not what I wanted...

- Oh, bullshit. Are you kidding me'?

- You missed the deadline.

I've never made a deadline in my

whole life. What the f***, Kirby?

Don't say f*** to me and don't

give me sh*t about what I can't do.

You're the one acting like a dipshit

this whole time. F*** you.

No. F*** you.

Let me see the goddamn wire tap.

Forget it. Sanchez, put it back.

No, actually, you know what?

Lay it on him. Let the train wreck

leave the f***ing station.

Why is it so hard

to get a goddamn album cover?

Going down the rabbit hole.

Last time I used this it f***ed me up

for four months, dude.

All right.

The antenna, you plug it in here.

You keep it as high as you

can to get the best possible reception.

This is a transmitter.

- Gotta get it within earshot of the b*tch.

- Don't call her a b*tch.

Oh, okay, whatever you say.

Uh, this is a squelch. It'll give you

about 100 yards line of sight.

Uh, um, now,

are you sure you want to do this?

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