A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III Page #3

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she looks something like this.

No?

Uncle Charlie,

what are you doing, heh?

- Are you sure?

- I'm sure.

- Are her b*obs bigger?

- Please.

No way.

I heard from your morn

that when she picks you up...

this is what she sees.

No way.

I'm back.

Music in the hospital is forbidden...

- but I told them you needed it for work.

- Good thinking.

All right, boys, here we go.

Set it up.

Remember, two 500s,

two hundreds, two

fifties, six twenties,

and five of the rest.

- I'm the top hat.

- I'm the dog.

I want the dog.

We don't have time.

Guys, we gotta go.

Come on. I'm not going to be

the policeman. Out in the hall.

Hey, listen.

The doctor, who's very handsome...

he's gonna call me as soon as

he gets your results.

I'm not worried.

I know you're gonna be fine.

Thank you, Izabelle.

I don't ever get to see you

and the kids as much.

Yeah. Me too.

Hey, hey, listen.

Saturday is Granny's 95th birthday party.

If you die before she does

it will be pathetic.

- Get your sh*t together.

- Heh.

Hey, Iz. What did Geronimo say

when he jumped out of the airplane?

Me!

Charlie, we are all pulling

for you to recover quickly.

But also we're needed you

and hoping you return soon.

Just a few things.

For the Christmas party...

everyone's into the idea of formal 30's,

so it's going to be black tie.

I'm thinking it's okay to spend

about 10 dollars each...

on gifts for the employee's kids.

Let me know if you disagree.

Saul said he already spoke with you,

but that he was serious about the will.

Let me know if you need

any help with that. Best, Marnie.

I, Charles Swan lll, being of somewhat

sound mind and body...

do hereby make

my last will and testament.

Coco, my toucan,

should go to the best possible zoo...

with an appropriate fund to care

for her. She must have the best.

My Paddock 565

can be sold for this purpose.

My personal effects, artwork, clothing,

are to be disbursed...

handled, executed, whatever,

by my sister Izabelle.

I would also like that my sailboat

be repaired and donated...

No.

No, it should be burnt

and sunk in the harbor.

Hold on, heh.

- Come on, sweetie. It's time to go.

- Come on, Charlie.

- Ouch.

- Let's get you home, girlie.

You're a big fake liar.

I know that diaphragm wasn't there before.

Well, whose diaphragm was it?

Maybe Mabel's, or it could have

been that French gal from ages ago.

Sh*t. I don't know.

It doesn't matter.

It's like she was already over it,

and then just waiting for me to f*** up.

- And then poof.

- It just takes that one little extra push.

- First they spot somebody else.

- Then they wait for you to f*** up.

Then they split. Sharon did the same

goddamned thing to me. Remember?

It's like she was

always trying to bust me.

I've got a whole theory about that.

It's on my record.

One moment I'd do anything to get

her back, and the next I just wanna...

I just wanna kick her.

I know that's not a classy thing to say...

Want to hear my new bit? It's funny.

It talks about all this sh*t.

Listen.

You got anything for my cover yet?

I got the old noodle working on it.

Play it. It'll help me get some ideas.

Now, we've all heard a lot

about women's intuition.

But what a lot of you don't know is that

there is an organization called the SSBB.

The Secret Society of Ball Busters.

Don't f***ing laugh, man.

My old lady, who I just broke it off with,

happened to be a charter member.

Now, the problem is

they're sharing information.

"Yes. I'd like to

report a man who's cheating on me. Yes.

Curly hair, 5 foot 7.

Yes. He is Jewish.

Oh, my God."

And it's like this.

They have a network of surveillance gear

which they use...

to bust the asses of the guys

that are on their sh*t list.

What's going on?

We're picking up a pattern

of indiscretions.

Sh*t. Pull up the report.

Not these two turkeys again.

What'd they do this time?

- What the f*** are those a**holes doing?

- I told you. They're dogs.

I need visuals on five!

- Zooming in.

- Tighter.

Engage audio enhancement.

Just pour your phone number

into my coffee.

Look at me. Don't break eye contact.

It's bad luck.

Well, if I can't get your phone number,

then you should take mine.

- Go hot.

- Coordinates three-two-niner.

- Prepare to fire.

- Roger. Standing by.

And, fire.

- What the f*** is this?

- Jesus.

Get in here now! Move your asses!

F***!

God. What the hell was that?

That was pretty close.

Those harpies can eat you alive.

Who wants popcorn?

They got away.

We have to scramble the chopper.

Doesn't fit. They don't fit.

The bullets are too small.

Do you think the guns are too big?

Sorry I didn't sit by

and let them eat you for breakfast.

Who are you?

I'm with Counter SSBB.

You two were about to be terminated.

Let's hit it.

You ever notice how it's the dog

that cowers that gets smacked?

The one that growls on its hind legs

can take a leak wherever it wants.

- Right.

- So, what now?

The next sound you hear

is gonna be the strafing of the .50 cals.

Because they're coming after us.

With the whirlybirds.

Damn it. They're good.

Stop the vehicle or we will open fire.

They're really goddamn good.

I'm into it.

- Really? You like it?

- I love it.

Sorry to interrupt.

Hey, I'm a big fan by the way, Mr. Star.

- Thanks, doc.

- Got my test results?

- Should I split?

- No. Stay. Please. Great news.

The symptoms you've had can be a sign

of myocardial infarction, a heart attack.

However, you'll be happy to hear

that your chest pain's merely pyrosis.

- Heartburn.

- That was not heartburn.

The inflammation of the esophagus

can be very painful.

I'll give you a list of foods

to watch out for.

And I've always found

that this works quite well.

Turns? That's it?

Congratulations, Mr. Swan.

How about my brain.

Did you run any tests on that?

- So I'm okay to go?

- Hundred percent.

Good luck. Keep an eye on the stress.

Hey, by the way,

I really dig that comedy bit.

- Thanks. Do you wanna hear the rest?

- In the car, Kirby.

- Can you drop me home?

- Yeah. Yeah.

Hey. Get some rest. Okay?

Thanks, Kirb.

What is your problem?

It's easy. You take the pictures

and then you put them in the garbage can.

I put them in the drawer

so you wouldn't see them.

That's just crap from my past.

What the f***

you going through my stuff for?

I was looking for the picture of us.

Come on. You know that's the drawer

where I keep all my pictures.

I don't wanna be in the same f***ing

drawer as them.

I'm sorry, Ivana.

Can you just believe that I love you?

How can I believe anything you say?

What now?

The whole diaphragm thing?

I thought I explained that.

I thought you forgave me.

Tsk, I'm sorry, Ivana.

I really am.

Sweetie?

Hey.

- Hey.

- Hmm.

Jesus.

- Saul?

- You're not in the hospital.

Aw, sh*t. I forgot.

- I'm sorry. I'll go.

- No, no, no. No. Stay.

Go back to sleep.

I can't sleep. I can't do anything.

- I know.

- Heh.

You Okay?

Uh...

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