A Good Old Fashioned Orgy Page #7

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Or you could just stick

to sucking at pool.

Ooh.

SSS!

Oh.

One more.

That's it, though.

No.

That was the last one.

That's for the road.

I will call you.

Okay.

All right.

See you.

Hey, um...

What are you doing

for Labor Day?

Oh, yeah. Is that-?

Yeah, Labor Day.

Um, you know what?

The guys and the crew,

we're all gonna, um...

We're doing

this small little thing,

this intimate little thing.

Nothing- Nothing special.

Well, I was thinking

that maybe, you know,

your friends and my friends

could get together.

Yeah.

Oh, that sounds great.

Yeah?

We should definitely

look into that maybe.

Yeah. It'd be fun.

So, wait, Eric, is that-?

Is that a maybe?

Yeah, it's a maybe. It's a definite maybe.

It's a hard, hard maybe.

We should definitely

think about doing that.

Let's lock it in as a possibility.

Okay.

Okay.

I'll call you about it.

Or write you.

Heh, okay.

Carrier pigeon. Something.

I'll get a hold of you.

Good night, Eric.

Good night, Kelly.

Hey.

Hi.

What are you doing up?

Oh, I never went down.

Stayed up drinking with a dude from Blues

Traveler in the Talkhouse parking lot.

Like an hour ago, f***ing dude

says the bubonic plague is back.

Great. Another thing

to worry about.

What are you doing up?

I got a bit

of a situation.

Hit me.

Okay, but first off,

you can't tell anyone.

Dude, look who you're talking to.

It's the vault.

Seriously.

A lot of people tell people

you can't tell someone,

and those people go and tell someone.

That cannot happen.

Hey. You tell no one.

Not even Rodrigo?

Why would you tell a 50-year-old

Guatemalan landscaper about my life?

Because he's a good

sounding board, okay?

But if you're gonna get all weird

about it, I won't tell Rodrigo.

I appreciate it.

I went on a date last night.

So far, so good.

With the Realtor chick.

Dody Henderson?

Did she peg you?

No, not Dody.

I went out with Kelly.

Oh, thank the Lord.

I felt bad for your

butt hole for a minute.

Heh, heh.

Yeah.

Yeah, and I think

we've got a problem because

I really kind of dig her now.

I don't know what to do

about the orgy situation.

Are you f***ing with me?

I know.

What are the odds?

I mean, seriously,

I'm smack dab

in the middle

of organizing an orgy.

Orgy, yeah.

Yes. Yeah.

And I meet the first girl

in a long time

that I can see myself

having a relationship with.

Hmm.

I gotta tell her about the orgy.

What? Ha-ha-ha!

No. No. It's so stupid.

No. Listen to me. No, no.

You don't ever, ever, ever

tell her about our little soiree here.

Ever.

Have you porked her yet?

Oh, goddamn it, Mike.

I hate when you say stuff.

No. No, we've kissed.

Kissed, good. Okay, good.

Keep it PG until

after Labor Day, okay?

As long as you haven't had the exclusivity

talk, and you're not honing...

Yeah, I know.

Then you, my friend,

are a free agent.

Mm, I don't know, dude.

Listen to me.

You do not know what or who

she's been doing

in her free time, ace.

So just keep it in your pants

until aprs Labor Day

and then

it'll just be this crazy,

wet, vivid, erotic

sexual misadventure

in your past

that you never have to

tell her about.

Okay.

Okay?

All right, that's the plan.

Thank you.

That was oddly helpful.

I am not just a pretty face.

Oof, m goof.

Daddy really needs

to get in shape.

Oh, I'm with you.

I may even cut out carbs,

except for pizza

and sandwiches, obviously.

Are you guys worried at all about

performing in front of everyone else?

Look, it's not a race.

Well, assuming

that we can all get wood,

one of us will have

the smallest dick.

And I, for one, do not wanna

have the smallest dick.

Okay. Two things.

The ladies are gonna be too concerned

about their bodies to think about yours.

And secondly, that's all myth.

Women do not care

about penis size.

Who do you think

has the biggest dick?

I think I know.

Boom. Ah!

You're next, Uncle Addie.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa.

No one f***ing said anything

about giving any f***ing blood.

Oops.

And can someone explain

why they need to puncture your vein to find

out if there's a problem with your shvanlz?

Summer after freshman year,

Yeah?

I walked in on one of the guys

whacking off.

Shut up. Who?

I won't say.

No, no, no, who?

Who? Who?

I'm not gonna tell you, but I

will say that it was a monster.

Hey. That is my blood.

That used to be

inside you.

I'm gonna lie down.

What?

Duquez, Duquez!

You gotta give us ballpark-

Right, right.

Like is that...?

It's more like-

It was like that.

What?

But the head.

What?

It's even bigger.

Mama likes.

I don't know

if you're gonna like it.

McCRUDDEN:

Oh, hi.

Eric?

Kelly. Uh, we're just

heading back to the city.

We'll be in touch this week.

Good.

Regarding the house.

Of course, the house, yes.

Yeah, I'll page you.

Dody.

Eric.

The password this week

is unicorn.

Well, I don't know

if that'll be nece-

Moving up end down

Like en elevator

We 're here to share

our experiences

in creating the perfect orgy

of your personal fantasies.

See that?

Everybody's always touching two people.

McCRUDDEN:

A little teamwork.

They're playing

good team ball.

Okay, I think we get the picture.

McCrudds, you want some pizza?

No, I'm not hungry.

Thank you.

Got an all-I-can-eat buffet

going right here.

Let me try.

Try this.

What is that?

Ohl

Shill

Oh, he's doing my move.

Look at that.

He knows the Thoosh.

Hey, you guys? Guys.

Back to the music. Are we-?

Are we really gonna listen to Indian the whole night?

I think it might get a little-

Cab ride-y? Agreed. Yeah.

I'm working on

a killer playlist right now.

Got some obscure Radiohead.

Who has sex

to Radiohead?

Thom Yorke.

No Radiohead.

No Radiohead.

I think we need something

sensual, like Sting.

I love Sting.

McCRUDDEN:
No.

Unacceptable.

Absolutely not f***ing Sting.

That's bullshit, man.

If Sting comes on the f***ing stereo,

guess who's walking.

This guy.

Sting, it is then.

So I...

Yeah?

Got you a little present.

Really?

Mm-hm.

It's tilled with some great things

for next weekend.

It's not my birthday. Oh.

Hey.

Yeah.

Look, oh, boy. Oh, wow. Look at that guy.

He's like a Swiss Army dude.

Wow, that's great.

People are gonna love that.

Just so you know...

Mm-hm?

I'm not wearing

any underwear right now.

Ew, on these stools?

Well, well, well,

the gang's all here.

Paciellio!

Hi.

Paciellio.

Hi, guys.

What's up?

We have some business

to discuss.

Right. So Glenn and I

have talked it over and...

we would like to be

included in the orgy.

We're in.

We wanna do it.

Um...

No.

Why not? What-

What?

We already lined up

my folks to babysit.

Guys, guys, as a friend

and a mental-health professional,

I think it is

a horrible idea.

If you feel disconnected,

I understand-

Alison, with all due respect,

you're an MA,

I'm an MD.

You're a podiatrist.

Okay, let's hike a vote.

How many people want us in?

Right.

I would just like to say that I

think they maybe have a point here.

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