A Haunted House 2 Page #2

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- Did he ask me or what?

- I'm just f***in' with you!

For the record, my

name is Miguel Jose...

Jess Gonzlez... Smith.

Wait, wait, wait. Your

last name is Smith?

Yeah, I'm Mexican on my mom's side.

So, why is there

Gonzlez on your truck?

Sh*t, would you trust your

garden to a guy named Smith?

True. True. Hey, my

name is Malcolm, bro.

- I bet your last name is Johnson.

- See, that's some racist sh*t!

- Am I right?

- But you're right!

Nice to meet you, man.

Yeah, it's a pleasure meeting you!

I can cut your grass on Tuesdays.

What can I say, I'm a

gardener by ethnic default.

Be good, negrito! Watch out, guera!

What? You gonna try

and tease a brother?

That's a invite? Come

here, let's do the quickie.

One, two, I'm done.

- What's that?

- What? Oh! That's Abigail.

I found her in the

wardrobe that was left here.

Well, put it back. Hey, stop!

She's creepy!

- We look alike.

- Yeah, same eyes and pigtails.

Wait, no, no, don't

put it on the bed!

How you doin'?

Oh, you ain't gonna

say nothin', huh?

So... Girl you stupid.

You don't want none

of this? Come here.

I can't play with it but you can.

Oh, you gonna bite

my lip? Take that!

You f***in' like this!

It was gonna come.

It was gonna come!

Just wanna put the tip in. I'm

gonna put the tip in a minute...

Look at that.

You got that goody.

Bite the pillow, bite

that f***in' pillow.

You gonna eat my

butt now. Oh, sh*t!

Nigga... she... she lickin' that.

Oh, you taste like

doo-doo. But I love it!

You on the pill? I don't

wanna get you pregnant.

You wanna little doll babies?

They gonna have my

eyes or yo' eyes...

You gonna give me splinters!

F*** this sh*t, man. I wanna cry!

Don't look. Don't

look. Hold on a second.

This side is wet with

soap, this one is dry.

I'll clean you up, baby.

I mighta leaked in you.

I don't know if I came,

I leaked a little bit.

That's a'right. You

ain't even ovulatin'.

Why you trippin'?

Come on, stop worrying.

- Honey, we're home!

- Sh*t! You gotta go!

- Sh*t! No!

- Malcolm!

- Hi, honey!

- Honey, where are you?

You gotta go! We...

I'm just upstairs!

You gotta get outta here.

F***!

Sh*t!

"Hanging Out".

Sounds a little soft for

my taste, but... f*** it.

Yeah, I don't think this is right.

Maybe I should download the manual.

I seen some sh*t,

but that was crazy!

A demonic figure tried to

hang a family in the backyard.

I gotta keep this from

Megan and the kids.

Is it weird that I

was aroused by this?

Why is my dick bending in my jeans?

Hello?

Hello?

- Twinkle little star...

- Who is this? Hello!

It's the Devil!

That's a ugly motherf***er.

Is that Steven Tyler?

What the hell? Same tree!

Sh*t! Kisha?

Baby, what you doin'!

I almost dumped the f*** out you!

You got to holler at me!

You can't just be walkin' up.

You gotta give me like

a "whoop-ti-whoo"...

a "kakow!" or a "tsh-tsh"!

Just make your own up.

Please announce yourself!

Honey, you look like

you've seen a ghost.

I think I did.

Wait. So now I look like a ghost.

Excuse me, where

you goin' with this?

So now I'm too pasty for you?

I can't do anything about that!

Unless you want me to get

skin cancer from the sun.

And what, deep nasty wrinkles...

and then they'll have

to give me chemo...

and I'll lose all my hair,

and then I'll look like...

a nasty bald raisin!

Is that what you want?

Is that what you want?

I don't want you to

look like a raisin!

I don't like to date raisins,

I don't like the raisins...

on Morgan Freeman's face!

I don't like the new

ones that Obama got...

the young raisins on his face!

I don't like raisins. So

please, don't look like a raisin.

I need to go meditate and

get my chi back in alignment.

What chi? It was just...

- Walk to the light!

- It's bedtime.

What you all dressed up

for? We goin' to a club?

Formal party? We

goin' to a Pajama Jam?

- Just bed.

- Come on, Megan.

You gotta be more comfortable

with this relationship...

You're right.

Put on some sweat pants and some...

Oh, my Jesus Lord! You're naked!

I am. I like being naked, though.

I could be naked all day.

All day? But come on,

that's not practical, hon.

You got a job.

You don't wanna be on the bus

naked or in Starbucks naked.

Why not?

'Cause that coffee

spill on you, it's hot!

It's gonna leave a scar.

Melt one of your

nipples off or somethin'.

The camera's on, baby.

Good. Just make sure

you film my good side.

What the f***? Are you serious?

We gonna get all angles on that...

Oh, sh*t.

Baby, your creepy doll

is makin' my dick scared.

Just let her watch.

You just said the right

type of nasty sh*t!

Oh, God! I gotta

replenish my uids.

After round two.

- That was wild.

- Come here, Malcolm.

What, aren't you done yet?

I am now. Ready for round three?

Seriously...

No ms. No ms. Oh, my God!

Baby, you gotta train

for some sh*t like this!

Come on, Malcolm, bell's

ringing. Time for round four.

No, no, baby. My ding-ding's

knocked out cold.

I can't do it. Corner's

throwin' in the towel!

Let's go, Malcolm.

I gotta get some Enswell if

we keep goin'! Wait, no, baby!

Right now she is

tearin' me up! My God!

Want me to choke you?

Is that what you like?

Stop being a b*tch!

Yeah! Come on! Oh,

you want some of this?

You like that? It's

kinda like a blindfold...

except you can't f***in' breathe!

- Feel like you're dyin'?

- Thing just moved!

Except you can't f***in' breathe!

Thing was watching!

You little...

Who was watching?

Oh, baby, come

here. Check this out!

- Oh, my God!

- Did you see it?

- How could I not?

- I thought I was trippin'!

I am so fat! Look at me!

I look like a huge blubber ass!

- I'm like Miss Piggy in there!

- What're you talking about?

You were gonna shoot my good side.

I did shoot your good side.

Look, I got all that ass up in...

Look at all that ass, girl.

I'm black, brothers like an ass.

You know I do mean that

as a compliment, right?

I see what's going on.

You hate my vagina! You

think it's too loose!

It's not! It's only

on the outside...

but once you choose a wall,

it's pretty damn tight.

You know what, Malcolm,

I have had two kids!

I mean, do you think the stork just

dropped 'em off on the doorstep?

No! You're knocked

up for nine months...

and then your lady parts

are stretched to limits...

you cannot even fathom!

Okay, baby. I think

your vagina's cute.

Erase the tape or we are

never having sex again.

- Well, since you put it that way.

- Erase the tape!

- Okay, I'm erasin' the tape!

- I want to see you do it.

- I'm erasing the tape.

- Erase it right now! Do it!

- Baby, I like the way your vagina...

- Erase the tape!

It's not loose! I

like the way it sounds!

Sound like it was

blowin' speakers. It's...

You know, it's kinda

like W. Ferse's bebop!

Who the hell's hittin' me? Abigail?

You got a page?

"In a relationship

with Malcolm Johnson"?

I only hit it once!

What in the hell?

I think I might've

f***ed the wrong b*tch.

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