A Haunted House 2 Page #3

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Now she's blowin' up my cell phone?

Look at that.

Straight up stalker! She's crazy!

Listen, it's time to turn

my camera game up a level.

I'm talkin' bathrooms,

countertops, computers...

stuffed animals, mouths and asses!

It's goin' down

everywhere! I'm live.

Kitchen? Oh, yeah, I see you.

Perfect. Yeah, and

I got the ass, too.

All inconspicuous.

Told you, cameras everywhere.

Hey, Becky, wanna

play Hide and Clap?

F*** off!

That's, "No, thank you."

Let's do this. Ah,

lady's blindfold.

You got this out your

momma's room, right?

Oh, boy.

Things me and your

momma do with this!

Sometimes she tie my

hands and ip me over...

and toss that... salad.

- Tony likes salad.

- Anyway.

I'll put this on. Let's do it!

One, two, three. First clap!

Come on. Come on. Gimme a clap.

Yeah, I'm gettin' close.

I smell you. I smell you.

You smell like kids, like

worms, coins and doo-doo. Like...

Sh*t!

Can we just play Tag next

time? I just wanna play Tag.

Wyatt? Wyatt?

Where you at, you little sh*t?

Third clap.

I got you, Wyatt.

I win! You took your blindfold off.

You're right, Tony.

Malcolm is an idiot.

Take your camera, loser.

Yeah, I wanna learn

how to start a fire.

What the... hell was that?

I coulda swore...

Sh*t!

F***ed you up!

F***, are you crazy!

Who the f*** are you!

- Malcolm! Oh my God!

- Baby?

You can't be jumpin' out

on brothers like that.

You'll get knocked the

f*** out every time.

- It was supposed to be a joke!

- You okay?

'Cause I f***ed you up!

Like, I hit you with the

force, like with the follow-up.

I wanna ask they

replay that sh*t. Damn!

'Cause you got

froze. You went, "Oh!"

"Please help me."

God, I hope this works.

What is that thing?

That is not human.

That was weird.

Damn.

- I caught yo' ass!

- No, you didn't.

Bullshit!

Becky...

It's your box.

What?

I want you to touch me.

Okay.

Not that box.

You know I love you

and those kids, right?

I'm gonna do everything in my

power to keep you guys protected.

Yeah.

- What was that?

- What?

- That!

- The wind?

Nigga, the windows

are closed! Okay?

I'm tellin' you, that was

either a ghost or a demon.

Or maybe it was a demon

pregnant with a ghost.

Oh, this is cute!

I'm gonna so wear this,

all day, every day.

What if it's a burglar?

Why the f*** are you

excited? It's a burglar!

Either way it goes,

it's some scary sh*t!

Okay, not all burglars are scary.

- It is a burglar or a ghost!

- If you talk to him, he'll leave.

- You shoot it in the face!

- You've talked to him already.

If the motherf***er's

foot do this...

- ...you shoot him in the face again!

- That is way too harsh.

What're you gonna do?

- I'll handle it.

- What're you gonna do?

Shoot him.

You are not allowed to shoot

anyone in the face, mister!

Becky?

What in the...? Becky! Oh, God!

Becky! Becky!

Becky! Oh, my God!

- Get me somethin', Megan! Becky!

- Here's the y swatter!

That's just gross. That

f***in' sound, it bothers me.

- Use this!

- Gimme!

- Here's what I got!

- Gimme!

Get that thing outta

here! I got an idea!

Come on! B*tch, why

ain't you movin'?

F***!

See, now this is a good idea.

A'right. G'night, Becky.

Night, sweetheart.

- Hey, buddy, what you doin'?

- Havin' a tea party.

You wanna go outside and do

somethin' a little more masculine?

- Like play some football?

- No, not really.

Don't sit there!

That's Tony's seat!

Oh, sorry.

My bad, Tony.

Tony says, "No problem,

bee-yotch." Want some tea?

Yeah.... sure.

You know, Wyatt, about

your little buddy Tony...

I don't think he's such

a good Influence on you...

know what I mean?

- What the...? That's straight vodka!

- Tony calls it tea.

He drinks a lot of tea.

I really think you guys

need to stop this friendship.

He doesn't think

that's such a good idea.

You know what, you tell Tony...

that I said you and him ain't

gonna be friends no more...

and that's final!

On second thought, you and Tony

have a beautiful friendship.

Okay, I'll be downstairs

doin' somethin'...

With less f***in' chairs.

This isn't good.

It's happening again.

It's really f***in' happening.

What the f***?

Who is it?

Hello?

That's a spooky knock.

Oh, you better run!

Knock on my door, come

out there and slap you...

What the f***!

I got a knife!

"Miss Me?" Abigail!

Aw, hell no! Look, we gotta talk.

This is a mistake, okay?

This sh*t gotta stop.

It's gone too far.

You see this? "Miss me"?

In the house with Megan,

are you f***in' crazy?

I take full responsibility,

all right? This is my bad.

I don't mean to sound

clichd. It's not you, it's me.

Don't play f***in' innocent

with me, you knew I had a girl!

I'm just bein' selfish right now.

I would love to have

you and Megan and...

be honest with you,

my stuffed animals.

I'd like to bring them in the mix.

I'm tryin' to make this work.

You're just not makin' it easy.

I swear to... F***!

You see what you made me

do? Only you do this to me!

F***in' crazy!

Oh, you lucky my momma

told me, don't hit b*tches!

Enough.

F***, you scare...

I didn't touch you!

I didn't touch you!

You get outta my life, I'll

get outta yours. I'm done.

Make no mistake...

after this, it's over.

You ready to go again? Yeah.

- Hello, Malcolm?

- Professor Wilde. How you doin'?

Malcolm, I'm glad you reached out.

What exactly am I

dealing with here?

Well, the being you

described to me is a demon!

F***, I knew it!

A rare and obscure one

from Babylonian times...

named Ahghoul. And

he's a trickster!

And chances are this is not your

first encounter with this demon.

Have you had paranormal

experiences in your past?

Actually, yeah. About a year ago.

This is way worse

than I had thought...

- Oh, sh*t!

- F***!

Nigga, I thought

somebody was shootin'!

Thai food!

It's spicy going in, but

it's twice as spicy going out!

That's scientifically impossible!

I smell you in here!

What in the hell!

Excuse me.

- I hire based on skill level.

- Are those titties?

Ladies, remember, we're

making meth, not baby aspirin.

All the stories revolve

around Ahghoul's attempts...

to trick people into

bringing him into our world...

and it can come in the

form of a possession...

a spirit that only

a child can see...

or an ancient object that

lures in the impressionable.

So what you're saying is something

is coming after me and my family.

Malcolm, that's

exactly what I'm saying.

Damn it, Jessica, you've got

your tit in the pseudophedrine!

Sorry, Malcolm. I

wish you good luck.

Gotta get my "Breaking Bad" on.

Tonight you drown.

Not again.

Sink. Sink. Sink.

Ruined a perfectly

good leather jacket!

That's it. Now we drown. Drown!

Drown!

Prepare to meet Hell.

God, that hurl!

My balls. This isn't over!

Is Ahghoul the same demon

that possessed Kisha?

When are the

Republicans gonna slip...

and call Obama the N-word?

When are they gonna stop

makin' scary movies...

without the Wayans?

They f***in' suck!

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