A Little Bit Zombie Page #7

his undead ass.

- Max, we haven't gotten

a reading from the orb.

We've been driving around

in circles for hours.

OK, you have all the bells

and whistles in here.

You have this!

Who do you even talk to

in this?

And yet you don't have

a NAV system!

- I don't need

a f***ing computer.

I'm a f***ing professional!

I can feel when they're

close by.

I don't need a f***ing piece

of technology.

You're a stone-cold killer.

- You're a stone-cold killer.

You're a stone-cold killer.

- Get it.

- You're a stone-cold--

- Hello?

- Hey. Uh, y-you guys came by

my place today. It's my friend,

he's turned into a zombie.

- OK, uh, uh,

calm down, and, uh,

where are you?

- Uh, it's

- 42 Clear Lake Drive.

- Who is it?

- Oh, we're close!

- Who is it?!

you're just going to do tests,

you're not gonna hurt him?

Your gonna make him back

to normal again, right?

- Of course.

He's gonna be in good hands--

- You're f***ing right

he'll be in good hands.

Who the f*** is this?

- Who the f*** is this?

- Hey, calm the f*** down, pal.

- I don't want to calm the f***

down. F*** you, f***er!

You calm the f*** down!

- You f***ing relax!

- No, you go f*** yourself

and get the f*** over here,

you f***er!

- No, you f*** yourself,

you f***!

- F*** you.

- F***! FUUUUUUUCK!

- Max! Max, really?

Those things

practically have feelings.

- Not anymore.

- Ha!

That's stupid.

Mmm... no.

Just do it!

Mmm.

- Hey.

- What the hell are you guys

doing with all those guns?

- Hey there, pumpkin.

Nice of you to call us

about your little friend--

- You promised me

you weren't gonna hurt him.

- No, no, no.

No, no, we won't hurt him, OK?

We promise.

Right, Max?

We won't hurt him.

- You stay here with sugar tits.

I got this one.

- No, wait, Max. Max, this one

is different. OK, we cannot

waste this opportunity. It'd be

like throwing away the cure

for cancer. OK, Max, listen!

- No, you listen! Zombies are

killin'.

- Max, we need this guy, OK?

- No, no!

- Christ.

- No, no, no, no!

- I don't need anybody.

Mmm...

- This orb was

centuries... old.

- Lady, f*** your orb,

all right?

Make sure that maniac

doesn't hurt my friend!

Where is he?

- No, you don't understand!

- Don't you touch my brother!

- Where is he?!

- Sorry, pal.

- Open the door!

Open the door! Open the door!

- No!

- Open the door! Open the door!

- No!

- Open the door!

Open the door! Girls!

Girls!

Open the door!

Ah!

- Is that--

- Yes! It is.

- You promised me

you weren't gonna hurt him!

- Wait! You called them?!

- Uh-oh. Awkward.

Hey!

What the hell is that?

- Oh, just hundreds of years

of mystical antiquity

that you selfishly discar--

- Oh, for Christ's sake, Penny,

get over it!

- I wanna say goodbye to him.

- No, no, no, no, no!

- No, it's...

it's pretty messy.

- Thank you so much

for coming.

I don't know what

we would have done without you.

- Well, luckily, Little

Miss Braveheart over here,

she had the good sense

to give us a call

when she did. Way to go,

pumpkin. Now you can sew

a big, fat "Courage" badge

on your Girl Scout sash.

Great big badge

in the shape of a lion,

giving you two thumbs up.

How about that, huh?

'Cause you are

such a mature young woman.

You may even get asked

to the junior prom

where you can get fingered

in the cafetorium, right next--

- You know what? F*** you,

a**hole! All right?

That was my best friend!

- And we are so sorry for your

loss, and we will personally--

- You know what? Why are you OK

with this? Your brother's dead!

- You're right!

It's, it's, it's horrible!

You, you monsters!

Get the f***

out of here!

- Yes, yes, yeah, yeah!

You know what?

You guys are animals!

Leave now!

- OK, you're right.

Let's blow, Penny.

I'm sorry.

- What the f***?!

- Hi.

Ugh!

- Holy f***, Steve!

You're OK! Did you see me?

I was f***ing crying

and everything! Did you see?

- Nice try, zombie.

Now, get read

to say your prayers...

in hell!

- No!

- Get out of the way.

- No! You are not gonna

shoot him, because we are

getting married in six days!

- Don't make me

shoot through ya.

- No! Don't you see?

He's not a complete zombie!

He's still human!

- Max, you idiot!

Don't you see this is it?

He's resisting the infection.

This is our chance

to find the cure!

- Oh, yeah, sure,

you'd like that, wouldn't ya?

A nice little guinea pig

that you can study

and make everything all better.

Then everybody gets

booster shots and lollipops

and there are no more zombies.

Let me tell you something,

sister. The only shot

that cures a zombie

comes out of the end

of this sweet little baby

right here.

Suck it up,

brain junkie,

'cause you ain't getting

a lolli after this one.

No!

- Get off me, you b*tch.

Happy honeymoon.

- Ah!

- Sh*t!

- Whoa! Hey!

- Do it, Steve!

- Yeah, eat that f***er's head!

- Oh, God,

messy f***er.

- I can't do this.

Ah... it's time

to face the fact

that I'm, uh,

whatever this is.

And whatever this is

is not safe to be around.

- Oh, Steve, dude,

seriously, I am so sorry

I called you a gay-ass zombie

all right? We can put you on

an island somewhere, all right?

Somewhere far away.

We'll come visit, like

at Christmas and sh*t, right?

- Steve, think about this.

- Sarah, I can't be

this selfish.

I can't go on having people

in my life be accessory

to murder.

- No, Steve!

No!

- You'll take care of her, yeah?

- Steve, please,

give me the gun.

- I am so sorry, Tina.

I really wish

I could be there for all of it--

for the chicken dance

with your Nonna,

eating our wedding cake,

seeing you

in your dress.

I love you.

- I love you, Steve.

- All right.

Where do you wanna do this?

You want to, uh...

go around the back?

Or what do you wanna do?

Max,

let's talk about this!

- Whoa! Here?! Really?!

Now?! Are you sure?!

- I just want you to know,

of all the zombies

I've encountered, you're...

the most human.

- Please.

Not in front of my girl.

- All right.

- Oh!

- The only good zombie...

- is a dead zom--

- Sh*t...

I was aiming for his leg.

- Holy f***, lady! You just,

like, totally wasted

your boyfriend!

- He was not my boyfriend.

He was the muscle.

OK, Steve? Steve.

Here's how it is.

Um...

I could put you down

right now, if that's

what you want me to do.

Or, you can come with me,

and we can see if we can't

find a cure for this, uh,

this thing. Now, I-I-I can't

promise any thing, b-b-but

I will use all of my resources,

I will work day and night,

I will use my education

until we find a way

to beat this infection.

Oh, and, and

when we're done with this

and we find a cure...

you'll be a hero.

- Really?

- I'll be a hero.

But, uh,

but you'll be a celebrity,

which is...

pretty much as good.

- Dude, we are

gonna be famous!

- So, what do you say,

Steve?

- All right, I'll--

- Ahh!

- Baby!

Are you all right?

- You f***ing moron!

- Ewwww!

- We're safe now.

Everything is gonna be fine!

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