A Little Bit Zombie Page #6

- Craig, shut up.

Seriously, we have to...

we have to get someone

that you're gonna hate

so you can...

I dunno, kill them

without remorse.

Like a...

like a pedophile

or a meth dealer.

- Or a hipster.

I really hate hipsters.

- Or a parking cop.

I hate those bastards.

- I hate the Portuguese.

Uh... um, anyways,

you just need to make sure

you're ready to do what you have

to do when we come back.

- Craig'll help you get ready.

- What? F*** that!

- Come on.

- So, if, uh,

things don't work out

between you and Tina,

and you decide

to marry a gay zombie,

I do support your decision.

But I wont be

at the reception,

because I don't eat

cock or brains.

- Yeah, you're hilarious there!

- Yeah, so I RSVP "no"

to gay zombie wedding.

Yup.

So long, Muffins.

- This place reminds me

of where my parents would

take me camping every summer.

- My father...

sent me

to a survival camp

in the Philippines

when I was nine.

They, uh, dropped me

in the jungle

in the middle of a monsoon.

I had to survive

for seven days.

- Your father did that

to you?

- It was my birthday.

I'm tellin' ya, though,

those seven days...

made me tough.

Tough enough to take anything

that comes my way.

Alive or undead.

- Max, why do you hate zombies

so much?

I mean, what if your mother

turned into a zombie?

What would you do?

- Shoot her in the face.

- You would not shoot

your mother in the face

if she was in a coma.

- No. If she was

in a coma,

she wouldn't be trying to turn

my head into a god damned

fondue pot.

- Right.

Well, if we find

this resistant host,

we could find a vaccine.

You'd be a hero, Max.

- You're right,

I am a god damn hero.

I'm tired of waiting for

your orb to tell us what to do.

We're gonna do this my way!

- Uh, where are we going?

- To get some bait.

- Him? He looks old.

Kinda.

- He looks like

he could have Alzheimer's.

Is that contagious?

- This is just evil!

- Suck it up, Sarah.

Your brother needs us.

- Look. Soul patch.

That guy's a douche for sure.

- He's too fat.

He's like a walking bucket

of chicken.

- I'm gonna throw up.

- Sarah, you need to take that

terrified look off your face,

OK? We're not gonna get

anyone unless you throw

out a certain vibe.

- What kind of vibe?

- Watch and learn.

- Wow. That's sexy.

- I know, right?

OK, now you try.

Relax,

throw your shoulders back,

and wipe that look

off your face.

- OK, how's this look?

- Like you're

having a pap smear.

- Ugh! This isn't going to work!

- We can do this, Sarah!

- I just don't know how

we're gonna pick somebody.

- We'll figure it out. You know,

just keep our eyes open

and eventually somebody'll

just end up in our laps.

- Oh, my God!

- What the f***! My car!

- Tina.

Look.

Big scary guy is

checking us out. Hi.

- Huh.

That big scary guy...

...is a dead man. Hey.

- Are you crazy?

She's crazy.

- OK. So, apparently,

eight bones make up

the neurocranium.

So it's like a bone vault

for the brain and brain stem.

This part over here

is the parietal.

So, this little sucker is

like a quarter of an inch thick

and hard as sh*t.

All right, so you're gonna have

to Babe Ruth smash the sh*t

out of this thing

so you can have access

to the cerebral cortex.

- Got it.

Oh, that smells good.

Mmm!

- What the f***, dude!

- What?

- You just smelled

my f***ing brain!

- No. Let's not jump

to conclusions here.

No, all right,

you're a f***ing monster!

- Craig!

- Just stay the f***

away from me, all right?

Gay-ass zombie!

- God damn!

- Wow!

That is so... hot!

My, uh...

woman parts like you too.

Ha-ha-ha...

Ugh, how is he

still standing?

He's had enough booze

to knock out a rhino!

- Don't worry, it's OK. I have

a plan. Just get him

in the back seat.

- Are you f***ing joking me?

No f***ing way!

- Don't worry, he's harmless.

- Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah!

- Oh, my God!

- Come on! I need you

to suck it up,

and be sexy, and get him

in the back seat! Come on!

Go! Get outta here!

- Hey... big man.

So...

so, you wanna,

you wanna go for a ride?

Stud monkey.

You make Mommy so horny!

What?

- Nothing, nothing, nothing.

Go ahead, get in.

- Hey, there.

Whoa, whoa,

wait, wait.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa--

- Ahhh!

- You have a pink

stun gun?

- Yeah. It's cute, right?

OK, lets go! I'll drive!

- Wait!

What about me?

- Pizza, pizza, pizza!

Ha-ho! Pizza!

Pizza, pizza!

- Max.

- Pizza, pizza, pizza!

Ha-ha!

Evening, young lady.

- Hello!

Are you, uh, Captain Cletus?

- Where's the pizza?

- The...

No, uh, sorry. We are actually

here for something else.

- Ma'am, if you are implying

I might be in possession

of illegal firearms, I will

kindly ask you to leave--

- No, we don't want guns,

Admiral Redneck.

We need brains.

- Uh... Max.

- Ya'll have

a good night, now.

- No wait, OK,

all we want is brains.

- Sorry, Missy, no can do.

Somebody cleaned me out

earlier today.

- Who?

- Bunch of kids. Now beat it.

- No, wait!

Can you tell us

anything else about them?

- Couple o' pretty-looking

ladies was hanging with

some queer-looking feller

and another that couldn't get

enough of my brains! Now, git!

- That's our zombie, Penny.

Come on.

- The cottage!

No, Max, wait!

If the infected one hasn't eaten

the others yet, it must mean

that he's resisting

the infection!

Which is wonderful!

Sh*t!

Where is that cottage?

- Hey, man, did you order

the Vegetarian Nightmare?

Extra Polish sausage,

German sausage, Belgian Sausage,

Russian sausage--

- Nope.

- F***in' hate this job.

- Ugh!

Oh, God. Ugh!

OK.

Oh, God. Ugh!

- What the hell!

- I have been worried sick!

- Shut up, Steve! Oh, baby,

you look kinda better,

that's good, but shut up.

You need to help us

carry this in.

- This is ridiculous.

We need a dolly or something.

Where's Craig?

- Uh...

sleeping, I think.

- Sleeping?!

- What?

- Yeah! I can help.

- OK.

- Come on.

OK, I'll take his legs, or--

- Oh, my God!

How did you get this guy?!

- Oh, God.

Oh, God.

- Holy crap!

- This is ridiculous!

Are you girls pulling?

- Yeah.

- Oh, my God!

- F***in' freak family.

- OK, we softened him up

for you.

- That guy is huge!

- I know, honey,

but he's out cold.

Are you ready?

- Oh this is crazy.

You girls just kidnapped a guy!

And now you're gonna

eat him!

- OK, listen to me.

This is very important.

This is

our new lifestyle, OK?

And if we're gonna walk

down the aisle together,

then we both just need

to embrace this.

- OK, all right.

He's all tied up

and he's still out of it.

I wouldn't wait

too long.

- All right. I'm gonna go

downstairs and eat this guy!

- OK.

- Thank you!

You've both have been

so incredible.

I'm so happy to see the two

of you working together so well.

You know, I think if this

weekend has taught us anything--

- Steve, just GO!

- Wah!

- Love you!

- Wait, wait, wait! Here!

- Oh, my God!

Boots are killing me!

- Oof! Ugh!

OK...

- I can smell

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes