A Little Bit Zombie Page #5

I'm gluten intolerant!

- Steve,

I just want you

to feel like yourself again.

- I do, Tina.

I feel great!

And you know what? I'm happy.

And I'm in love

with you.

- Ugh...

- OK, we can stay.

- Seriously?

Am I the only one

that sees a problem with this?

You can't feel pain!

You eat brains!

- I don't even want

to eat brains...

that much.

Look, I promise,

the first second that I feel

bad, we'll go home. All right?

- Fine.

But for the record,

this is a bad idea.

- Lets just try

to have some fun.

- Oh!?

Woo!

- ? ...go away

? Even though

I didn't want to let go ?

? Why can't you see

that what you're looking for ?

- Oh! Huh?

Hey!

- ? And you're never gonna

let it show ?

- Ah!

- ? ...girl like you

? You you you you

you you you you ?

? No, no,

I don't miss you now ?

? But I will never find

another one ?

? No, no,

you don't miss me now ?

? But you will never...

- Woo!

- Oh, my God!

- Yeah!

- ? ...never find another one

- I feel great!

Oh, my God!

Oh, kill me!

- That's it, we have to get him

to the hospital.

- He's fine. Look at all

the stuff he did today.

- Tina, he's not a superhero;

he's undead!

I think he's getting worse.

- How could this be worse?

- Look. Right here it says:

"The undead host must

consume living

"human cerebral tissue.

Any dead or non-human tissue

will eventually be rejected."

- Wh-Wh-What are

you talking about?

- Animal brains are like junk

food. It's like he's yakking up

zombie mini doughnuts.

- Why didn't you tell us

about this before?

- What? I hadn't gotten

that far. Look at how thick

this b*tch is!

- Nooo, my Steve is

gonna be OK.

He's gonna be OK.

He's gonna be OK

just in time for the wedding.

- Tina,

if this keeps up, by next week

we'll be at his funeral.

- Oh, hey, buddy.

You get it all out?

- Oh, my God, Steve.

You look like death!

That's it, Tina.

We have to take him

to the hospital now!

- Enough!

He's fine.

He's fine!

We are not taking him

to some back-water hospital.

He's fine.

You just need some rest,

right, baby?

You just need some rest,

that's all.

- Ahhh... Ah!

- Oh, my God!

- Holy f***, dude!

That is your ear!

- OK, I draw the line at things

falling off my brother's face.

Craig, get the car.

- Finally. See you guys, later.

- No, they're coming with us.

- Son of a f***!

- No! We are not going

anywhere!

Craig, go upstairs right now

and get my cosmetic kit.

- Right.

- This is f***ed.

- Honey, I see women

that are way worse come

into my salon,

and you know what?

After I'm done with them,

they're like, like new people!

- I'm in pretty bad shape, Tina.

- Look at me.

You and I are going to be doing

the chicken dance with my Nonna

at our wedding

in one week. OK?

But right now

my man looks like sh*t,

so we have

some work to do.

Sarah, go get me

a paper towel.

- Tina, you're not seri--

- Now!

Craig,

I need you to take Steve's ear

and rinse it off.

- F*** that noise!

- Craig!

- What's that?

- Oh, it's eyelash adhesive.

Yeah.

- Oh--

- Oh!

- What?

Just say they're piercings.

I'm not f***ing touching it.

- Ugh... OK...

Heh-heh...

Now, just...

hold... still.

OK? And...

- Ugh!

- Ahhhhh!

Ahhh, I feel like Frankenstein.

Thank you

for being so sweet.

- Honey, I'm not giving up

on you because of some

eating disorder

or, or a missing ear.

This wouldn't even turn a head

at my family dinner table.

- I love you, baby.

- OK, now, stay straight.

You don't want to have

crooked ears.

No. 'Cause my man has

perfect ears.

- As long as he looks fine

for your f***ing wedding.

- Craig, can you come here

for a sec?

- What?

- Hold this.

- Gross!

- Don't move,

either of you.

Sarah, can I talk to you

in the other room for a second?

- You sure can.

- Great.

- Whoa, wait.

Where are you guys going?

We'll be back.

- So, uh... zombie dick?

- Yeah, its pretty bad.

- So, what now, Tina?

You want to talk

about the fringe

on my matron of honour dress?

- All right,

that is... it!

- What the f***?!

You just punched my tit!

- Come on, tough girl.

You got a problem with me?

Let's see what you-- Oww!

Ow! Jesus!

You punch like a man!

- What the hell is

your problem?!

- I just want us to get this out

of our systems so that we can

work together and help Steve.

- So you punch me in the tit?!

What are you, 12?

- You're kind of a bad ass,

so I... I needed an advantage.

- Yeah? Well, this bad ass is

about to kick your ass!

If you're done playing zombie

makeover with him,

we can actually get him some

god damn professional help.

- What the...?

- Yeah, and those people

that came by,

they seem

like real humanitarians.

- Tina! Sarah!

- Don't move that ear!

- Yeah, Steve. This is hot.

- I'm sick of you and your

Little Miss Perfect bullshit!

- Ugh!

- Girls!

- Just a bit longer.

- Don't you even!

Ah! Stop it!

I hate you!

You!

- B*tch!

- Emo slut!

- Plastic whore!

- Enough! Tina!

Try talking to Sarah!

- Fine! Sarah, you're a b*tch!

- Tina!

Stop using judgemental language,

get to the heart

of your conflict,

and empathize with her point

of view. And Sarah,

stop being

so defensively aggressive

and be an active listener.

- OK. Sarah, I know

how much you love your brother,

and I know that you don't think

that I'm right for him.

But I love him.

Right now,

he's Steve. But if we don't

come up with something,

he's gonna

turn into a monster.

- He already is,

you morons!

Look at him.

He needs...

brains.

- Ugh.

- Ah, gross.

- OK...

Craig is right.

- Of course I'm right.

The book says I'm right.

- And they're gonna have

to be human too.

But maybe I just need a bit.

Just enough so that I can

function.

- What do you have

in mind?

- I'm going to go

into town.

I'm going to find somebody

that won't be missed.

And I'm gonna eat

their f***ing brains.

- Come on.

That's rich.

- No, you're not.

- There's no way, Steve.

- What?

- Honey, I just accidentally

pulled your ear off.

You're in no condition

to hunt.

- Well, what then?

- I have an idea.

- Jesus! Fff!

Look what you've done

to our women, Steve.

And who the f*** packs

hooker boots for a weekend

at the cottage?

- I do, and you don't have

to be involved if you're afraid.

- We're just afraid that you

girls are gonna get

into trouble.

- Honey,

everything is gonna be fine.

- Family takes care of family.

- Yeah, and we're family,

all right--the f***in'

Manson family!

So what are you girls gonna do

Bring back some sorry prick

so he can eat him.

- Wow. Thug life. Great.

- Steve,

if we get someone,

can you go through with this?

- I'm sure my zombie instincts

will just kick in.

But get somebody really old.

Or like a real a**hole.

- How about

a really old a**hole?

- Do you want a man

or do you want a woman?

- Oh. A man. Definitely. I don't

think I could eat a woman.

- Gay. Way to go, Steve.

You're the first gay-ass zombie.

You're really breaking

a lot of ground this weekend.

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