A Little Bit Zombie Page #4

that word?

- Actually, I think

he does eat... brains.

- Ugh.

- Exhibit f***in' A.

- Shut up!

Shut up!

Steve,

we are getting married,

and you are

just freaking out.

Lots of men do this

before the big day.

- Honey, I obviously have

a problem here.

- You have a problem?

I have a problem!

Do you know how many people are

coming to our wedding?

How many meals I've skipped

to fit into that $5,000 dress?

And now my fianc tells me

that he doesn't want to marry me

by killing my rabbit!

- Baby, listen to me.

I love you. Of course

I'm going to marry you!

This isn't cold feet. I'm sick!

- Really? Really, Steve?

OK, if you're a zombie,

then how come you're not

trying to eat my face?

- I don't know!

I don't want to.

I couldn't hurt anybody.

But baby, I...

I really need to eat! I am

so freakin' hungry right now!

I can't even eat regular food!

- So what do we do?

- We find me

something I can eat.

- That's it?

- Yes! It's not a big deal!

- I'm sorry, uh,

no big deal?

Dude, you're a f***ing zombie!

This is a huge deal.

- All right, everybody,

let's just calm down.

Craig, does that book say

anything about food?

- Page one.

- Mmm! All right!

Just listen.

I feel great.

All right? I feel good,

I really do!

I just need

to find myself some...

Mmm!

You know? So I'm gonna go

to the store and get them.

- We're coming

with you.

- Thank you.

- No!

- I'll go change.

- This is bullshit.

He's not a zombie.

- Of course he's not.

But I'm gonna call him on it.

If he wants brains,

I will get him brains.

I'll even mash them up

and I will spoon feed him

if I have to. But afterwards,

he's gonna tell me

what this is really about.

- So... should I put this

in the freezer?

- Really, Craig?

- Maybe a stew?

Look at this place,

look at this!

This looks great!

Um... OK.

- Creative Meats.

- Gross.

- Ew.

- Don't be rude.

I didn't realize meat

was a medium for expressing

creativity.

- Oh, dude!

What are ya...?

Whoa. This place looks like

a Civil War field hospital

or something.

- Craig, a little

positive thinking.

- Guys, look.

Skunk meat!

- Fresh skunk meat!

- Ah!

- You look like a gal

with an adventurous palate.

You know, raccoon is more subtle

than you might think, despite

it's popular reputation

as a garbage feeder.

Yes, ma'am,

I do love me some 'coon meat!

- Who doesn't?

Ha-ha-ha-ha...

- Actually,

we're looking for something,

a... little off the menu.

- Pardon me, sir,

but this establishment does

not condone the sale

of illegal firearms.

I am but a simple butcher.

But, just out of curiosity,

what type and calibre are

we talking about?

- Ohhh.

No, actually, thank you.

Um, we're actually looking

for some...

brains.

- And maybe

some of that racoon meat.

- Eww!

- What? He made it...

he made it sound kinda good.

- Did I just

hear you right, boy?

Did you just ask me

for... brains?

- Yes.

- Well, hot dog!

I'm a brain man myself!

Wa-hooo! This is

your lucky day, muchacho

I don't get as much call

for brains,

on account of the cholesterol.

But I'll tell ya,

I'll take me a mass

of pan-fried calves' brains

over a rack of ribs

- Ugh!

- Sure. Ha-ha! Me too.

- These just came in

this morning.

- Oh-ho-ho!

This is messed up.

- Yeah,

I'm gonna be in the car.

- Now, these little ones are

appetizer size.

Great

for holiday entertaining.

We got squirrel, muskrat,

and those little ones there,

them's rattlesnake.

Choice eating, those!

- May I?

- I'm not big

on free samples...

but I don't get many chances

to eat brains

with a fellow gourmand,

as it were, so...

Cheers.

- Steve! That's enough.

You're not actually gonna

eat that, are you?

- Oh, yeah.

- I will be in the car.

- Well, I guess it's a table

for two, monsieur! Unless...

- Oh, no.

No, I'm good.

Yeah.

- Mmm!

- Just like a little candy,

right, Stevie?

- They are delicious!

- You like 'em raw, too!

A man after my own heart.

Mmm!

- What are those ones there?

- Oh, these are simply divine!

Here we got

skunk, owl,

Canadian beaver,

and rabbit.

- Oh, rabbit!

Your favourite!

Too soon?

- Mm...

- And this...

is la pice de rsistance.

This is

genuine, Grade A,

all-American

grizzly bear brain.

It is to die for.

- It's beautiful.

- Grill this baby

low and slow for--

- Oh, my God.

- Yeah, he's gonna pay

for that.

That's $19.99 a pound.

- Ahh. Ahhh!

- So?

How do you feel?

- OK.

You know what?

I feel OK.

- We'll take it.

We'll take it all.

- Yeah! Ha-ha-ha!

- See that?

Good as new.

You wanna kiss

and make up?

- Pull over there.

- You want

to stay here?

- Uh, listen. Between

the crazy glue and

the painkillers

for your foot, we have gone

way over budget, OK?

So now we are roughing it.

Don't even!

- Fine. I like it rough.

- Then don't moisturize

your hand.

- OK, but you have

to spit on it.

- I will glue that hand

to your face!

Remove your hand.

Kindly remove

your hand right now.

- Give me a little.

- That's real mature, Max.

You have pushed me

to my limit.

- Can you please

not do that

right now?

- What?

- Eat like a f***in' zombie pig!

- Craig, you're not helping.

- No. I'm not, because I'm not

a zombie collaborator.

- SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

YOU SHUT UP!

YOU SHUT UP!

- Ow! What the f***?!

- Oh, my God!

- OK.

- Don't touch me right now!

- Look, I know this is a lot

to take in, but it's really

gonna be OK.

- Really? How?

- Yeah, how?

- Here's an idea:

why don't we talk about this

in the cabin?

- Oh, no, I think we should talk

about this on the way home.

- Yeah, I agree.

I'll start packing.

- Guys! Wait!

Great. Thanks, Craig.

- Eat me!

- What's that supposed to mean?

- Would you two just please

stop it!

- OK, damn it!

I know that you're scared,

all right? I am too.

- I'm not afraid.

- There's no reason for us to be

treating each other like this.

Now, I'm starting to feel

better. The hunger's not so bad

anymore.

Now, someone please tell me

where are my snake brains are.

- They're in your hand.

- Which hand?

- The one in the car.

- Oh, oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

I'm so sorry, baby!

- That's amazing!

I don't even feel that!

- What do you mean?

- I don't feel it. At all.

- It doesn't hurt?

- Nope!

- Seriously?

- It's fine! I'm OK!

- No pain?

- Uh-uh.

- Let's do that again.

- No!

- This is stupid!

- No, its actually pretty cool.

- OK, you could warn me

next time.

- Oh, look, you, uh, dropped

your little bag of snacks there.

Let me get that for ya.

- What the f***, Craig!

- That was awesome!

- OK, that was

a good one.

- No, but seriously,

we should get you to a hospital.

- Why? I mean,

aside from the brains

and a little numbness, I'm fine.

Besides, when it comes down

to it, it's really just

a dietary restriction.

- Yeah, it's like that chick

I know, uh, what's her face?

Um, she's allergic

to gluten and sh*t.

What's her face? F***.

- It's me, you idiot! Your wife?

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