A Madea Christmas Page #6
- Mama! Daddy!
Look at you!
Daddy, not the bear hug!
Your old man still got it, don't he?
Look at my Grizzly Adams.
Look at you. You look
like a mountain man.
Hey, Son, see this? This ain't fat.
This is all foreskin.
Buddy, stop. Don't start so early.
- You must be Lacey.
- Yes.
Look at you!
- Oh, my!
- You put her down.
You don't gotta break
her and snap her neck.
Just give him a little nudge
to the flapjacks there.
He'll put you down.
Where are my manners?
I am Conner's mama.
Please call me Mrs. Williams.
- Hi.
- I kiddin'! You...
Call me Kim or Mama.
Just don't call me late for dinner.
I'm joshing you.
- Look how pretty. She's very pretty.
- Thank you.
She is even more beautiful than
I ever could have imagined.
Thank you.
So nice to finally meet you.
You too.
Look at this place.
It is beautiful.
This place is stupendous.
My mama and daddy...
Sorry. I'm sorry.
They just would've been
so proud. Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, Mama.
I was so upset when I
heard you two eloped.
I thought maybe you'd
come down to Louisiana...
and went up the bayou for the
Swamp Manor to get hitched.
We would have thrown you
such a shindig. You know that.
Hey, I'm glad y'all did elope.
You done saved me
an assload of money.
So I appreciate it.
Well, you've spent enough
money on me already, Daddy.
- I'm glad you recognize that.
- Honey, we love you.
Anything you want, my son. Anything.
Well...
Have you two eaten?
No, but...
Good, 'cause I caught
Christmas dinner.
Caught?
We are gonna have hot possum potpie.
I'm gonna make it.
It's good. Nice flaky crust.
Gonna have possum stew...
and your uncle DeWayne done
got me some white lightning.
Here, let me take this, Daddy.
Actually, Lacey's a vegetarian.
She's a vegetarianist? On a farm.
- Honey, that must be hard.
- That don't mean nothing.
We's Baptist, and we still like a
nice possum stew every now and then.
No, Buddy. It means
she doesn't eat meat.
- She doesn't eat meat.
- Oh, you're a tofu farter.
- Daddy.
- Ain't nothing wrong with that.
I like tofu farters. God bless you.
All I'm saying, Son,
if she don't eat meat...
that might be a bad thing when it
comes to certain parts of the anatomy.
Mama, can you please... I'm sorry.
We just met her. Now, stop.
- Start slow, all right?
- I was just kidding.
I'm sorry. He's crazy.
What are we doing standing
out here getting all dusty?
Let's go inside and get
our meal on. I'm starvin'.
I brought you some spices
from your Aunt Tutu's garden.
- Okay. Mama...
- You're gonna love 'em.
- Let me go get that.
- Hang on, y'all.
Lacey's mama is cookin'.
Lacey's ma... She's here?
- Your mama's here now?
- Yes.
- Her mama is here, Buddy.
- Hey, hey! All right.
Looks like we get
to meet the in-laws.
Actually, we kind of have a problem.
What's the problem?
Lacey hadn't told her
mama that we're married.
- What?
- Why ain't you told her?
Well...
my mother had dreams
for my entire life...
and Conner was not in that dream.
I'm sorry. I do...
- I don't understand.
- I think I do. Let me ask you something.
When she had them dreams,
was they in color or black-and-white?
She doesn't want you
with a white man.
I'm sorry. That's awful.
Honey, we taught
all of our children...
"Never see color. Only see heart."
- Isn't that right, Conner?
- That's right.
It's such a shame she does not
know what kind of person you are.
I'll tell you who he is.
Always taught him to
look at a woman's heart.
'Cause that's where their rack hangs.
Daddy.
I'm just kiddin'.
She got a nice rack.
Your mama used to have a nice rack.
Now she bends over, just looks
like she's got a 7-10 split.
- What the hell does that mean?
- It's a bowling term.
- I don't like that, Daddy.
- I don't either.
I'm just kiddin'. I still like to go to
the bowling alley every now and then.
- You're sexy to me.
- Will you hush?
I'm gonna start talking about
all your wrinkly, saggy parts.
- It's like a turkey giblet in there.
- That was over the line.
Well, honey, Conner,
who does she think you are?
She thinks I'm the farm help.
- Well, there's a switcheroo.
- The farm help.
Do you think we should leave?
I think we should maybe leave.
I ain't goin' nowhere.
Hell, I just drove up here.
- I am tired. I want a beer.
- I don't want you guys to leave.
Well, what should we do?
Can you give me
some time to tell her?
I mean, I have to break it to
her gently. She's been very sick.
- Oh, no.
- I'm so sorry.
- What's wrong?
- She has a weak heart.
Then by all means, you just...
take your time and tell
her when you're ready.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
We don't want her ticker
to tock out on you here.
- We'll behave ourselves.
- Yeah.
- You know what we'll be?
- What?
- Parents of the help.
- That's right. Parents of the help.
- "Can I get you something?"
- Let's head in.
- Come on.
- Daddy, behave.
I'll behave. Like a bull in a rodeo.
- Did you paint this? This is fabulous.
- I started.
- Still needs some work.
- Where you at?
I bet this house run them
in the double figures.
- Hey, Madea.
- Hey!
- This is my mama, Kim.
- How you doin'?
- Good to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, Medium.
And this is my daddy, Buddy.
- Nice to meet you.
- How you doin', Buddy?
- I'm doing well.
- I see y'all brought a bag.
No, that's just my wife.
Forgive my husband. He is
just a horse's ass and a half.
- Wait. I smell cookin'.
- Yeah, that's Eileen.
- Her mama was up in there cooking.
- Where is she?
She was in the kitchen,
but she went to the backyard.
Come on. Sit down. Take a load off.
Take a load off. Y'all sit a spell.
- Y'all want something to drink?
- I believe I'll have something.
I like you. You're a nice lady.
Don't be flirting with me
in front of your wife.
If I put this thing on,
you won't be able to get rid of it.
I'll have him pay my rent,
car note and everything else.
I'm from the old school.
Believe me, he can't help it.
And if you can stand him,
you're welcome to him, right?
- Hey, Conner, get me a beer.
- Yes, sir.
Well, Miss Madea...
looks like we're gonna be spending
Christmas dinner together this year...
but don't you worry.
We could care less you're black.
"African-American," Buddy.
Right, whatever. African-American.
That's all right. I don't care
that y'all are white America...
Angro... Angrola-Saxons...
Saxophonists.
I don't care. That don't matter at
all that y'all Anglo-Saxophonists.
I like her.
She's got a good sense of humor
You need a good sense of
humor with this group in here.
- Here, Daddy, beer. Drink up.
- Appreciate it.
- Please, drink up.
- I'll tell you what, Son.
That last girl you with
was so dadgum ugly...
my dog humped her leg
and shut his eyeballs.
Oh, stop it. He's awful!
"He shut his eyeballs." That's ugly.
Please forgive my husband.
He is a wannabe comedian.
You are no Jeff Foxworthy.
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"A Madea Christmas" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2025. Web. 20 Jan. 2025. <https://www.scripts.com/script/a_madea_christmas_1960>.
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