A Madea Christmas Page #7

Well, I try to be,

but who can? Who can?

Did you hear the one about the

two rabbis and the black dude?

- Daddy.

- No.

Did you hear the one about the

stray bullet that killed the redneck...

for telling the story about the

rabbis and the black dude?

It's hilarious!

I got him, didn't I? I got him.

- Y'all get your ass shot.

- I like her. I do.

I do too. She likes to hang.

No, ain't gonna be no

hanging around here now.

No, he didn't mean that.

He meant that...

You calm the hell down?

You are so politically correct.

They're having fun.

I'm having fun too.

I wasn't offended.

Hell, I got a pistol.

I knew she knew that.

Let me ask you this.

Do you know Oprah?

Honey, I told you...

all black folk don't

necessarily know each other.

- Could've fooled me.

- Do I look like Paul Bunyan or what?

Actually, you sure in the hell do.

And the Jolly Green Giant too. Ho-ho-ho.

- Farmhand, please help me.

- His name is Conner.

Whew!

I think the tree...

would look good right here.

If you don't mind me butting in...

I think it would look really

pretty right here by the window...

and that way all the

passersby can enjoy it.

That's where we had it every year.

- And who are you?

- That's a pretty tree.

I am... I'm Conner's mom.

That's Kim and that's Buddy.

These are Coroner's parents.

This is Eileen. I wanna scream.

I mean, Eileen.

Trees are for the family,

not for strangers.

What the hell these

people doing here?

Mama, they came to visit

Conner for Christmas.

Really? That is just

like my daughter.

I raised you right.

My daughter has always been

good with helping the help.

Yes.

- Where you staying?

- We're thinking of staying here.

Yeah. We drove all the

way up from Louisiana...

to spend Christmas

with Conner and Lacey.

It'll be a little cramped...

but we'll make do.

Madea and I will share a room.

You, Buddy and...

Kim.

Kim, take another room...

- and Carver...

- Conner.

- That's what I said.

- Conner.

Yes, Carver, you can take the sofa.

Let me get some decorations.

Okay. I just...

So many memories just coming

back to me bein' here.

To tell you, Lacey, my mama,

she loved this place. She did.

I'm so happy you all came

back here to take care of it.

Welcome.

Well, my daughter's

paying the mortgage...

so I hope you bring

in a crop this year.

I told you not to buy this farm.

That dam up north caused a lot of

problems this year for the farmers.

But Conner, he's got him a new

strain of corn that takes less water.

Now, how's that work, Conner?

I studied agriculture

at New York State.

Is that where you two met?

Yeah. He's brilliant.

Gets it from his old man.

Runs in the genes.

At the science of it,

not so much the farming.

So genius, little Einstein,

little Stephen Hawkins.

We used to call him

"Smarty Britches" when he was little.

If you put some Viagra in that

tree's water, it'll stay up all year.

You better put some Viagra in your water.

See what happen with your tree.

- All right, let's decorate.

- No, thank you. I can manage.

I brought some decorations

from Atlanta...

and I work at one of the

finest department stores...

so I know a thing or two about taste.

Where...

Where did you get this tree?

I mean, you have a beautiful

Christmas tree...

right outside the kitchen

window and none in the house.

What's wrong?

Please don't tell me that's

your granddaddy's tree.

Oh, dear God.

Mama, was there a yellow ribbon

wrapped around that tree?

Yes, and I cut it off.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

What happened? What?

My mama planted that tree...

in memory of my granddaddy.

Well, how was I

supposed to know that?

This doesn't make any sense. Lacey.

Did these people come

when you bought this land?

This is your land now.

You can do what you want to with it.

Excuse me.

You don't look so good.

Feeling a little light-headed.

Well, sit down then. Sit down.

Okay.

It's all these strange people

in this house, that's what it is.

It ain't them people,

it's you! Hell, you!

You lost your damn mind.

You done lost your damn mind!

Anytime you see somebody with a

yellow ribbon on the tree, Eileen...

a yellow ribbon,

that means a memoriam.

Don't you know what that means?

Everybody in the USA knows

what a memoriam is...

when you see a yellow

ribbon on a damn tree.

You work on my nerves.

That poor woman is probably crying

'cause you cut down her daddy's tree.

What wrong with you,

cutting down her daddy's tree?

You know what's gonna happen?

I'm gonna make this plain.

You're gonna go to bed,

slip into a coma...

and everybody gonna wonder

what happened to you.

I did it. It's Christmas, damn it!

I don't know, Buddy.

I don't think I can deal with this.

I don't like it. It's wrong.

I can't pretend to be somebody.

I'm not an actress. I'm not Reba.

Maybe we should just leave.

Let's pack up and leave tomorrow.

No, we're not going back home.

We're staying here.

- It's Christmas.

- And that woman...

she cuts down my daddy's memory tree

and acts like she doesn't even care!

Honey, I know. It stinks. I get it.

You know what?

We'll get you another tree.

I want that tree. I want my

daddy's tree. What about our son?

Conner just stands there and doesn't

say anything back to this woman.

He's just pretending,

just saying nothin' to this woman.

Sweetheart, you know our kid.

He can't tell no to anybody.

Let him figure it out.

- You want some of this?

- No, not now.

- You know you want some of this.

- I don't. It's too much for me.

Remember that game we

played when we was kids?

- Mystery Date?

- No, the Ghost and the Damsel.

- You remember that?

- Buddy Williams...

We are not playing... This is not the

time or the place. Don't you dare.

Go take a cold shower

and get off of me.

Go throw some milk on that thing.

I think I left my bag in...

one of my bags here.

- You think she noticed me?

- Yes!

- Yes!

- Oh, damn.

How to stop diabetes before it starts.

That's what AARP talking about.

You got to read this,

this is pretty good.

- Hi.

- Hey.

Heard about the sponsorship?

Yeah, just found out about it.

- We got a problem.

- What's that?

Sponsor is Sheldon Construction.

Same Sheldon Construction that built

the dam that put us all out of business?

- That's the one.

- Hell no. You see?

Unbelievable.

Eileen, what you doin'?

I knew it.

He's in the Ku Klux Klan.

What?

He was wearing the sheet

when I went in the room.

Them people are not

in no Ku Klux Klan.

I saw the Klan today.

That ain't the Klan.

- They probably trying to make up the bed.

- I know the Klan when I see it.

There you go, overreacting,

like you always do.

- Yes, he is.

- Always jump to conclusions.

Stop jumping to conclusions.

No, baby. No.

I know what I saw.

Eileen, you gonna

get your pressure up.

I'm gonna sleep with

one eye open tonight.

Yes. Oh, Lord, my poor daughter,

she's so naive.

She don't know what's going on.

She don't have a clue.

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