A Modern Twain Story: The Prince and the Pauper Page #3

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I'm saying I know your faint was a fake.

- How can you fake a faint?

- Oh, you can fake a faint.

- You can't fake a faint.

- I've seen you do it all over the lot.

The stunt guys taught you how,

three movies ago.

You've got to get your priorities straight,

Eddie.

I'm not Eddie.

You're driving me crazy.

And I have to tell you the truth.

They're thinking of replacing you.

They think you've lost your appeal.

Losing appeal? Eddie Tudor?

Are they crazy?

You've got to get your act together.

Know your lines, come on time,

no mouthing off, no practical jokes,

no fainting spells,

and no telling me you're not who you are!

Believe me, kid,

you say that to one person out there,

and you are toast.

They'll pull the plug on this production,

your mother will lose her job,

and no one will work with you again.

Could that really happen

to someone like Eddie Tudor?

It's show business. You bet your butt it can.

Miles.

Phony actors.

- Hey.

- Hey, pal. What's going on?

Nothing much. Got a phone?

- You got someone to call?

- Yeah.

Why don't you go in the house

and use your own phone?

He's sort of mad at me.

- We haven't met. I'm Eddie Tudor.

- Now, why don't you stop that?

That's going to do nothing for you

but get you grounded.

- I'm serious.

- Yeah, so am I.

What is wrong with you people?

You're all crazy.

I mean, don't you know

who's who around here?

Look at me. I'm Eddie Tudor!

Tom, get in here!

Hey.

What's up with that kid?

Looking good.

Thomas, dinner's ready!

What?

- Do you have anything else to eat?

- What?

Well, it's not a veggie burger,

and I'm a vegetarian.

What do you want from me? What?

You want to go to acting classes?

- What loser wants to go to acting classes?

- That's what I was saying.

Yeah. Why would I want to do that?

I'm already a movie star.

You've got to stop this, Tom.

I'm not Tom. I'm Eddie Tudor.

And if you don't mind,

I'd like to borrow your phone

so I can call the studio

and have someone come and pick me up.

Tom is probably looking for me

to switch places with him again.

You're completely losing it.

Why don't you just fix yourself

a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

There's nothing I can do with you.

Hopefully, you'll feel better in the morning.

Now, don't go anywhere.

I'll be back to pick you up

when they're through with you.

- Who?

- What?

- Who?

- Who what?

Who is going to be through with me,

after they're done doing what?

It's wardrobe. You're being fitted.

Oh, of course.

Oh, no way. That was Lady Elizabeth.

I can't believe I did that.

- You are a jerk, Eddie.

- I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to.

What?

You're the prettiest girl I've ever seen.

Ready, Mister Tudor?

I'm really sorry.

All right.

So you know what you gotta do, right?

You come out, you hit the mark.

"Oh, yeah." Water. Good.

Action!

Oh, yeah.

- Hit him again.

- Oh, yeah.

Give me more water!

Cut!

- All right, one more time.

- Oh, yeah.

That's great.

Let's go to lunch.

- Hey, where're you going?

- I'm going back to the studio.

What are you thinking?

You know he won't like you running around

down there this late.

Does this kid get to do anything?

I saw you on the posters in Tom's room.

Oh, don't start in about my career.

I don't want to hear about it.

And stop talking like you're somebody else.

You're freaking me out.

Why'd you go from starring in big movies

to just sitting on a lawn chair all day?

I said lay off it today.

- I just want to know what happened.

- I quit. That's what happened.

I don't blame you. Acting stinks.

Is your Pop getting to you?

You can't let him do that.

I left the business because I didn't like

who I was, not because I didn't like acting.

I was a nasty person,

especially to those people

who really cared about me.

And soon nobody would work with me,

so it all went away. It was all gone.

The people who I thought were my friends,

they were just tag-alongs.

The people who were really my friends,

they were long gone.

So I moved here, and here I stay.

Because I like this. I like this lawn chair.

It's not acting that stinks, Tom.

It's the person you become

when you don't appreciate what you have.

Look, just tell the old man

I decided to take a walk for a while.

- You can't go down there by yourself.

- I'll be fine.

Oh, come on. Come on, let's hang out.

We'll talk Stanislavsky.

Stanis-whatsky?

Look, I'm leaving.

Come in.

Yeah, the director wanted me to tell you

that today was a better day.

It's rare that we make it through a day

without any hassles from you.

He wanted you to know you did a good job.

He said keep it up.

- See you tomorrow? Don't be late.

- I won't.

Hey! What's up?

You'd better get dressed, kid.

You've got an appearance.

- An appearance?

- Yeah.

An interview to promote Spy Teen III.

You remember that one?

Oh, I'm exhausted.

Well, see, that's what happens

when you have a good day.

Okay, I'll get dressed right away.

Good, and I'll meet you in the limo

in half an hour.

Tom, are you going to Players?

- No.

- Why not?

I don't know. Why?

I thought you said you were going,

that's all.

- Oh. Well, what is it?

- You know. Acting group.

We're gonna rehearse some scenes

and decide what play

we're putting up and stuff.

- Oh. Do you get paid?

- They don't pay you. It's for fun.

- Sounds like a bunch of losers to me.

- Wow. That was mean.

I guess you're a jerk outside of school.

No wonder you have no friends.

Wait, I guess I'll go.

Are you running away?

- Man, all you people are crazy in this town.

- Are you running away from home?

Well, yeah. I guess you could say that.

Look, Tom, I know it's been tough on you

with your Pop, but you've got to go back.

- I'm not going back to that nuthouse.

- Don't say that. Where are you gonna go?

I'll go back to the set

and switch places with the real Tom.

Then he'll come back here,

and everything will make sense.

But first, I'm going to follow that pretty girl

who just called me a jerk.

Then I'll just follow you and make sure

that you go straight home after.

Fine, but just don't talk to me

in front of the ladies.

All right, let's go!

- Cool.

- Yeah, man, let's make a move.

Hey.

- Take it easy. We're all set?

- Yes, sir.

Cool.

Welcome to our first meeting

of The Broadway Players.

Now, based on many conversations I've had

with some of you,

I've narrowed down our first

production options to just a couple.

Our first production

is always Shakespearean,

but none of us are interested

in any of those droll tragedies

that are done over and over again

by countless amateurish companies.

So, let me tell you

what we've narrowed it down to.

We have Comedy of Errors,

as well as Much Ado About Nothing.

What we're gonna do tonight is

we are going to vote.

So, I've got some ballots.

And I think this will be quite fair.

Here we are. There you go.

- What's she even talking about?

- Shakespeare.

Shakespeare?

Hey. Where are you going now?

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