A Night at the Roxbury Page #7

STEVE:

You know it. How do I look?

DOUG:

Robust and attractive. I gotta

tell you -- tonight, I can taste

it.

Steve doesn't respond and suddenly SLAMS the BRAKES.

Doug gets thrown forward.

STEVE:

(completely losing

it)

I can't taste it, Doug! I can't!

I'm so scared right now I don't

know what to do!

DOUG:

(calming him down)

Bro, you're mad cowing on me.

Relax.

STEVE:

I'm nervous, man. We've put all

this pressure on ourselves to get

into the Roxbury, and I don't know

if we can deliver!

DOUG:

You gotta take control of yourself.

STEVE:

No, you gotta take control! I am

barely hanging on here!... You...

Steve starts crying. Doug cradles him.

DOUG:

Whoa... settle down... relax...

think puppies and candy canes...

easy...

Doug notices two girls walking by the van.

DOUG:

What's up?

STEVE:

(completely

recovered)

How you doing, little lady?

From O.S., a beer BOTTLE flies INTO FRAME at them and

SMASHES on the van.

DOUG:

Alright. Maybe later then.

STEVE:

Doug, I see your Roxbury balloon, and

I hate to be the one to burst it. I

just don't think our names are on

that list.

DOUG:

Steve, get real. The bouncer isn't

checking a list. He's checking us.

Man, I can't believe all this time,

that's what you thought.

STEVE:

So, why didn't we ever get in before?

DOUG:

We were kids. We were completely

immature.

STEVE:

But that was last night. And now we

don't even have our car.

DOUG:

Perfect. Rites of passage. Like

that Africa show on P.B.S. When it's

time for a boy to become a man, they

send him to the jungle with nothing

but a spear to hunt the lion

The van is our spear and the Roxbury is

our lion. And when the hunt is over,

we shall be men.

STEVE:

Does the bouncer know about this?

DOUG:

Look, Steve, what really matters

is that at the end of the night --

when all is said and done and all

hotties have been hit upon -- if

either of us has just one girl's

number, just one, then we'll know,

for the first time in our lives,

we're really worth something.

EXT. ROXBURY CLUB - NIGHT

The guys pull up -- get out. Steve tosses Doug the keys.

Doug tosses the keys to the valet -- who ignores them.

Keys fall to the ground. Doug runs over, picks up keys

-- hands them to the valet. Walks back to Steve.

DOUG:

Storm the castle.

STEVE:

Take no prisoners.

Doug and Steve try to walk/bop up to the Bouncer. They

wave to people who aren't there, trying to act cool, and

attempt to walk in. Bouncer stops them.

DOUG:

Hey, my good hombre, remember us

from last night?

BOUNCER:

No.

STEVE:

Doug and Steve Butabi.

BOUNCER:

You're brothers?

DOUG/STEVE

No... Yes!

STEVE:

Works every time.

They laugh hysterically.

BOUNCER:

Now, I remember. You can't come in.

A flashy guy walks past them, in SLOW MOTION, slapping a

fifty dollar bill into the Bouncer's hand and entering.

DOUG:

(aside to Steve)

Okay, it's time to play a little

softball.

DOUG:

Hello, my good man. How's it going

tonight?

BOUNCER:

Good. You're still not getting in.

DOUG:

Well, that's not what a good

friends of mine told me. Maybe you

know him? His name is Abraham.

Doug drops a five dollar bill on the Bouncer's clipboard.

The Bouncer doesn't move.

DOUG:

You don't know him?

STEVE:

How 'bout his two friends? George

Washington and... George

Washington?

Steve drops two one-dollar bills. The Bouncer doesn't

move.

DOUG:

Let's not forget the other boy in

the band, Mr. Hamilton. He's a

little lonely, wants to join his

buddies.

DOUG holds out a ten. He waves it up and down, sideways,

drops it, but the Bouncer still doesn't respond.

STEVE:

Wait up, look what we got here...

Steve reaches into his pocket, pulls out some change,

starts dropping coins.

STEVE:

Mr. Jefferson, Jefferson,

Lincoln...

DOUG:

...Roosevelt, Roosevelt,

Roosevelt, Roosevelt, and a

commemorative coin -- '84

Olympics -- what a proud chapter

in Angelino history.

The Bouncer looks down and turns his clipboard over,

dropping all the money to the ground. OFF guys'

reaction...

CUT TO:

INT. SILK VAN - LATER

The van stops and starts as they look out the window.

DOUG:

There's one!

Steve stops. They look out.

STEVE:

That's not an A.T.M. That's where

you drop off your videos.

DOUG:

Wait, there's one!

Steve stops short. They look out.

CUT TO:

EXT. VAN - CONTINOUS ACTION

We see a yellow FERRARI BARREL into the back of the

flower van.

CUT TO:

INT. VAN - CONTINUOUS ACTION

The guys are thrown forward. All the plants are thrown

on top of them.

CUT TO:

EXT. VAN - CONTINOUS ACTION

Richard Grieco is driving the other car, BLONDE MODEL

with him.

RICHARD GRIECO:

Oh, sh*t! The car.

BLONDE MODEL:

Car? What about me?

RICHARD GRIECO:

No, this car is illegal. All I

need is a police report.

BLONDE:

What do you mean?

RICHARD GRIECO:

It's a racing car. I imported it

illegally.

The guys slowly get out of their van, dazed, dragging

plants as they get out.

STEVE:

You okay?

DOUG:

Let me see...

Doug slowly bops his head, feeling if there's anything

loose.

RICHARD GRIECO:

Ah, great. They're starting in

with the neck injuries. I'm

screwed.

Both guys check if their heads still work. Grieco comes

over.

RICHARD GRIECO:

Hey, sorry about your car.

DOUG:

No way. Richard Grieco!

STEVE:

Remember, we saw you last night?

Grieco nods, unsure, but agreeable.

DOUG:

(To Richard)

Like Walt Disney says, my man,

'It's a small world after it all.'

RICHARD GRIECO:

So, are you guys alright?

STEVE:

My neck hurts.

RICHARD GRIECO:

(re:
cars)

Right, so, what do you want to do?

DOUG:

We were just going to the Roxbury

again.

STEVE:

But we couldn't get in.

RICHARD GRIECO:

Hey, you guys want me to get you

in the Roxbury?

DOUG/STEVE

Yeah!

RICHARD GRIECO:

Great. Follow me.

Grieco goes back to his car.

STEVE:

This is amazing.

DOUG:

See? It all comes from within.

And he felt it. Because he's an

actor and he's very sensitive.

The guys get back in the van.

INT. VAN

DOUG:

Put in 'D' and blast me.

Steve shoots Binaca spray into Doug's mouth and shifts.

GRIECO'S CAR (MOVING)

Grieco is driving.

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