A Picture Worth a Thousand Words Page #3

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- That's fantastic.

That actually sounds kinda hot.

An all new low for you, Jack.

- Hey, now what are you doing?

- I'm cleaning up.

- What the hell was that?

- An earthquake?

I've been in an earthquake.

That wasn't an earthquake.

I'm gonna check on Tyler!

This is a beautiful tree, my friend.

Please, tell me

why you would plant a tree

right in the middle of the patio.

I no plant the tree.

You no plant the tree?

I've been here all day

fixing the sprinkler.

I coming back to pick up my things

and, boom, it's a tree here.

"Boom, it's a tree here"?

Boom.

Hey, this is that tree that bit me.

Why the hell would he send me

something like this?

What, is this a joke or something?

He must think it's a gift.

Well, now I'm stuck

with this goddamned thing?

I was gonna just send him a nice wine

or, you know,

a Harry and David's Fruit of the Month.

Or a massage. Or Mrs. Fields cookies.

Exactly.

You want me to get rid of it?

No, I gotta make nice.

I'll keep it. This is my tree now.

- Okay, Mr. McCall. See you maana

- Thanks.

Sorta classy.

- Mr. McCall?

- Faster, Aaron.

Please, be less dumb,

but be quicker about it.

I got a splitting headache today.

Are you sick?

No, I think I'm having

an allergic reaction or something.

Well, this should cheer you up.

Here's your crown.

And the throne's on order.

But they offered me a scepter,

so I bought it.

Are you a moron?

No.

So Sinja sent his book over, and...

- How great is it?

- You read it?

How many times

do we have to go through this?

I don't read!

Once again, how was Sinja's book?

No, let me tell you.

It was scintillating, huh?

You couldn't stop reading it,

just like it was your latest copy

of Juggs magazine, right?

It is a quick read, that's fair.

Way to go, Sinja!

It's almost like the book was written

for you.

Of course it was!

Listen, this book is...

Five pages long.

Five pages long?

Five pages long.

As in one, two, three, four...

Five. The end.

But look at it this way.

It's the perfect book for you

because the first five pages

and the last five pages

are the whole book.

Okay, Aaron, come on.

Tell me that you're pulling my pecker

on this one, right?

Oh, I wish I could.

I mean, not your pecker, but...

Let me see it.

- My...

- The book!

No.

- That's the book?

- That's the book.

Okay. Okay,

I'm gonna go down to that ashram

and I'm gonna ram this up his ass!

It's just the dedication, right?

Or the teaser? Or the thank you's.

Jack, you said you loved my book.

That wasn't a book you gave me,

it was a pamphlet!

I've read menus that were longer!

I read a stop sign on the way here

that was longer than that!

Now, my book

is a journey of self-discovery.

Now, that journey is fulfilled

by page five.

Okay, it's coming together now.

You know, you got

a lot of tricks up your sleeve.

First, the magic tree.

Then the book with five pages.

What's next?

You gonna get on a magic yoga mat

and fly around in a circle?

Then you rub your stomach,

but then, whoosh,

the genie jumps out of my ass?

Bless you, Jack. Are you okay?

I'm having an allergic reaction.

It's probably from that tree you sent me.

I sent you a tree?

See?

So this is where the tree went.

What?

Interesting.

What's so interesting?

These branches

don't have a single leaf.

You know, I noticed that, too.

Jack?

Look at the tree and say something.

Say what?

What's so funny?

This is amazing. Don't you see?

Hey, you know, it almost seems

like every time I say something,

some of the...

Hello?

He

...lo!

I want my baby back

baby back, baby back

I want my baby back, baby back ribs

Sh*t!

Hey, how are you doing this?

Me? I'm doing nothing.

You and this tree are now connected.

Connected?

It seems like

all your talking is making you sick.

Hey, my talking is not making me sick.

Oh, really? What happens

when a tree loses all its leaves, Jack?

So what are you trying to say, Sinja?

It's obvious to me, the more you talk,

the more leaves fall,

the sicker you get.

The sicker I get?

So what happens

if all the leaves fall off the tree?

That usually means the tree is dead.

Hey, wait a second. Hold on a second.

You telling me that you think

whatever happens to the tree

happens to me?

Yes.

So I could die!

Yes, but you would die

in the most amazing way possible.

I could die?

Or someone could turn you

into a coffee table.

Hey, Sinja, you know,

you're a real funny dude to stand here

making jokes when my life

is being controlled by this magic tree!

How many leaves

you think are left on this tree?

A thousand?

So what do I got, a thousand words left?

Now you have 993.

One word, one leaf.

Well, I know how to make this sh*t stop.

Oh, no, no, you shouldn't do this.

- That is murder!

- Yeah, and it's premeditated, too!

Jack, you shouldn't do this!

You know what, Sinja?

You worry about pages six through 200

and you let me worry

about Mr. Tricky Tree over here!

And on that note, one last final word!

Timber!

Be glad you don't own a chainsaw.

Why did you do this to me?

I didn't do this. I wouldn't know how.

So, what, the universe cursed me?

Maybe.

This is between you and the tree.

Hey, wait a minute. If this is real,

what am I supposed to do?

You ever heard of this before?

You ever seen anything like this?

I've never seen it,

but there is a story of an old

monk that had a tree like this.

I always thought it was just a story.

He became very famous and honored.

So he lived.

No, he died.

Jesus.

No, his name was Stan.

I'm leaving for Bolivia tonight.

A spiritual retreat

in Potos called La Paz.

Let me talk to my colleagues there

about you and your tree.

Bolivia? Well, when you coming back?

- In three days.

- Three days?

What am I supposed to do until then?

If I were you, Jack, I'd be quiet.

Don't talk for three days.

How hard can it be?

Hello!

Sh*t.

Come on, Jack.

What is the purpose

in cursing you with a tree

that loses a leaf

with every word you speak?

That is ridiculous!

I guess you're right.

It's crazy!

It's ridiculous!

Did you see that?

See what?

A leaf with every word!

Jack, you slay me!

Oh, Lord Jesus!

God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, my God!

God, oh, God, oh, God,

oh, God, oh, God!

Morning.

Good morning, sir.

What can I get started for you today?

What size?

All right, three venti lattes.

Would you care for a pastry? No?

Oh, mocha! Three mocha lattes.

Double chocolate-chip muffin! Yum!

You want three Paul McCartney CDs.

Awesome.

You know, I love the Beatles.

They are my life.

Assassination! Abraham Lincoln!

You, me, gun, shoot!

Three shots.

I know, I'm a little slow today.

All right, so three

lattes, three mochas,

double chocolate-chip muffin

and three shots.

No assassinations.

And three Paul McCartney CDs.

That's gonna be $68.12.

Could you tell me when

it's safe to cross?

Are you deaf? I said,

"Can you tell me

when it's safe to cross?"

It is? Thanks, fella!

Stop it, stop it, stop it!

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