A Prairie Home Companion Page #10

# Ooowhee #

# Bad jokes for me #

You got one, Dusty?

- I got one, Lefty.

- Let's hear it.

# When God created woman #

# He gave her not two breasts but three #

# When the middle one got in the way #

# God performed surgery #

# Woman stood before God #

# With the middle breast in hand #

# Said, 'What do we do' #

# 'With the useless boob?' #

# And God created man #

# Bad jokes #

# Lord, I love 'em #

- # Bad jokes #

- Oh, great, b*obs.

- # Can't get enough of 'em #

- Ha. Why not?

- # Ooowhee #

- Tits, ass, bring it on.

- The more the merrier.

- # Bad jokes for me #

What about b*obs?

They're singin' a song

about b*obs and poop...

and who knows what?

Hey, why not?

Let's just wreck the whole show.

I guess...

Let's... let's have a drink.

Let's get snockered.

What do you say?

# When a beautiful

young naked woman #

# Stood up in front of the group #

# She offered Gramps some super sex #

# And he said, 'I'll take the soup' #

# Bad jokes #

# Lord, I love 'em #

# Bad jokes #

# Can't get enough of 'em... #

Oh, kid.

It's over, kid.

They're pullin' the plug.

You ready for another one?

Yeah, lay it on me.

# Ole went to the neighborhood dance #

# And he won the big door prize #

# It was a toilet brush #

# And he took it home #

# And the next week one of the guys #

# Said, 'Ole, how's that toilet brush?' #

# 'The one you won

from the neighbors?' #

# Ole said, 'Oh, it works pretty good' #

# 'But I prefer toilet paper' #

# Bad jokes #

# Lord, I love 'em #

# Bad jokes #

# Can't get enough of 'em #

# Ooowhee #

# Bad jokes for me #

# The farmer had a champion bull #

# Who bred 200 times a year #

# The farmer's wife said, '200 times?' #

# 'Isn't that wonderful, dear?' #

# 'Maybe you ought to watch him' #

# 'Maybe he'll show you how' #

# The farmer said, 'He's a heck of a bull' #

# 'But it wasn't all with the same cow' #

# Come on, now, bad jokes #

# Lord, I love 'em #

# Bad jokes #

# Can't get enough of 'em #

# Ooowhee #

# Bad jokes for me #

Let's see. I've got...

one, four, three...

Did you hear about the Viagra shipment

that got stolen?

No, who they think did it?

Well, they don't know...

but they're on the lookout

for hardened criminals.

Get Garrison out here.

They're wrappin' this up.

You got another one?

I got another one, Lefty.

Sven said to his friend,

'Boy, I think my wife died.'

His friend said,

'Well, what do you mean, you think?'

'Well, the sex is still the same,

but the dishes are stackin' up.'

Ha ha ha!

Hey, Dusty.

Yeah, Lefty?

Did you know

that diarrhea was hereditary?

No, I didn't.

Yeah, it runs in your jeans.

Ha ha ha ha!

Hey, uh, heh, Lefty?

Yeah? Go ahead.

Why do they call it PMS?

PMS? Why, I don't know. Why?

'Cause Mad Cow was already taken.

All right, that's enough.

Ha ha ha!

Hey, Dusty.

Yeah, Lefty?

What do you get when you cross

holy water with castor oil?

I don't know, Lefty.

What do you get?

A religious movement.

Ha ha ha ha!

Hey, uh... hey, Lefty, what did

the elephant say to the naked man?

What'd he say?

It's cute, but can you really

breathe through that thing?

Come on, now.

# Bad jokes #

# Lord, I love 'em #

# Bad jokes #

# Can't get enough of 'em #

# Ooowhee #

# Bad jokes for me #

# Bad jokes #

# Man, I love 'em #

# Bad jokes #

# Can't get enough of 'em #

# Ooowhee #

# Bad #

Whoo!

# Jokes for me #

Hey!

Thank you!

Whoo-hoo!

We hope you've enjoyed

our show tonight.

We certainly have enjoyed

having you with us.

Great God in heaven.

Holy sh*t.

We've got six minutes left!

How did that happen?

Look, have you got

anything for six minutes?

Have you rehearsed anything?

Anything? Anything?

Listen to me.

Listen to me.

Darlin', remember I said to you,

one door closes, another one opens?

You go downstairs.

Get your music

and come up and sing.

- Now?

- Lola, go, go, go.

You can do it.

He said, go! Go!

Before he gets done.

That gives shy persons

the strength to get up...

and do what needs to be done.

So, we'll look forward to seeing you

back here at the Fitzgerald Theater...

next week at this same time.

Brought to you once again

by your friends at Powdermilk Biscuits.

Six minutes.

Lola's gonna sing a song.

Your barn doors are open.

But first, we're going to bring

a young woman on...

to make her debut on our show.

Let's bring out this young

and very talented...

young woman who knows

all those good old songs...

to make her

very first performance...

right here on our radio show.

Please welcome now

the beautiful young Miss Lola Johnson.

Lola Johnson.

Ladies and gentlemen.

# Frankie and Johnny were sweethearts #

# But he was doin' her wrong #

# He was doin' her wrong

in a bad way #

# But she was good and strong #

# He was her man #

# But he was a jerk #

Is that the way this song goes?

Um, sort of.

# He was in a hotel with Nelly Bly #

# And the gun went rooty-toot-toot #

# She shot the bastard in the heart #

# And ruined his nice suit #

# He was her man #

# But he was no damn good #

# So, they took him

up to the graveyard #

# And stuck him in the dirt #

# Which was oh, so very sad #

# And the waste of a nice clean shirt #

# He was her man #

# But he was doin' her wrong #

What's the next line?

I've no idea. I don't know.

# He had no idea what happened #

# He was wavin' hello to God #

# He died from eatin' squirrels #

# And they laid him in the sod #

# He was her man #

# And he was doin' her wrong #

Cool song.

Wrap it up.

# So that was Frankie and Johnny #

# And that's the end of my song #

# She put a hose in his tailpipe #

# 'Cause he had done her wrong #

# He was her man #

# And that's all she wrote #

Thank you.

Ha ha ha!

There's a young woman

who's going a long way.

We're going, too.

We're out of here,

And that's our show.

Remember to keep

your feet on the ground...

your hopes up high...

pray for rain,

keep the humor dry...

and eat those Powdermilk Biscuits.

Thank you, everybody.

# Come and sit by my side

if you love me #

# Do not hasten to bid me adieu #

# But remember the Red River Valley #

# And the one

who has loved you so true #

Show's almost over.

In more ways than one.

Nice perfume.

Who are you with? The show?

In a way.

I used to listen

to this show every week.

Hmm. Well, it was great in its time,

but the time's up. Life moves on.

It does.

So, be careful driving tonight.

Need a lift somewhere?

There's a shortcut to the airport.

A steep hill followed by a series

of sharp curves and a large oak tree.

What's your name?

Asphodel.

Pretty.

I like your hair that way.

# Come and sit by my side... #

When I used to listen to them...

it was like they were all

my really good friends.

But something else happened, right?

Right.

Well...

I'm that something else.

# But remember

the Red River Valley #

How long is the ride to the airport?

Twenty minutes.

She said there was a shortcut.

Yes, sir. I know it.

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