A Running Jump Page #3

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Thanks. See you later!

There you go, Gary. Japanese

Car Of The Year 1998,

in pristine condition and within

your price range. What do you think?

It's cheaper than the Fiat,

that's one thing.

Let me tell you about that, it's deceptive.

It is cheaper, but on the other hand,

it isn't cheaper.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- Well, supply and demand.

See, when we put a car like this

on a lay-by or in a safari park

or outside the zoo or primary school,

we start a bidding war.

ONO - "Or nearest offer" means below

or above the starting price.

Another bloke offers 500 quid and

that's top whack, he gets the car,

but, come here, if another bloke offers 800,

that's where it goes,

and funnily enough, I've got this

geezer coming at 4.30

all the way from Barrow-in-Furness

with his fiancee

and he wants to give me 800.

- Wait, no, listen.

- Don't worry, I'll see you right.

You can have it for 750 because

I let you down with the Punto. - Honestly...

- Know what? I am going to shut

up and let the car do the talking.

- No, no. - Why not shimmy into the cockpit

and take a test flight? Go on, get in.

Look at that technology.

You could drive this with chopsticks,

it's like Hiroshima on a Saturday night.

Away you go.

- How'd you like it?

- Steering's a bit stiff.

No, the steering isn't stiff,

Gary, all due respect. You're a bit stiff.

- What do you mean, I'm a bit stiff?

- You and the

car, it's like a marriage.

- This is your first date.

It's only got 20,000 miles on the clock.

You'd think it was going backwards.

This car's had one previous owner.

An old girl, bless her.

Her husband's had a colostomy bag

and she's been driving to the hospital

to get it changed.

He's only gone and died on her.

Emphysema, God rest his soul.

She's so cut up, she can't even

drive any more.

She asked me to sell it.

You gotta do your best, ain't you?

You got to help.

She could be your mother or my mother.

- You love your old mum, don't you?

- Yeah, course.

- She'd love this car, she'd

want to drive it herself.

She's lost her licence.

Bastards.

Well, they gave her a bus pass, anyway.

No, it's automatic, Gary!

I'm not used to it,

I've never driven an automatic.

You don't drive an automatic, mate,

you let the car drive you

and you never go back to a manual.

- You got a girlfriend?

- Not really.

You soon will have in a car like this.

Those geezers in flash

cars, birds don't trust them.

They think they've got something to hide.

They see this,

they'll think, there's a man

who's straight down the line.

How's it feel?

Looks good. Suits you.

See, this is a thinking man's car.

- What d'you reckon?

- I don't know...

Make your mind up, I can't hang about.

He wants to drive it to Budapest soon,

he's got to meet her mum and dad,

they're acrobats.

- I don't think it's worth 750.

- What d'ya reckon it's worth?

- Seven? - How much?! - All right,

720. - He's gonna give me 800!

- 740 then.

- 745, deal?

- Do you have a fiver?

- Nah, I don't carry cash.

You give me your name and address,

I'll send in the post.

That's 10.

That's 20.

That's 30.

That's a 20 note, so that's 50.

- Hayley?!

- I'm in here.

Do us a favour, babe,

give us a lift down the garage.

- When? - Now. You got five

minutes? - I've just made tea!

- I've got to pick up a motor! - Dad!

- Help me out, I've had a nightmare.

- Your whole life's a nightmare.

- Oh, go on.

I've been up since 5:30am.

Sorry. On the way back,

I'll get you a Chinese.

I've got a chicken and avocado salad.

- All right, we'll pick up a video.

- I don't want a video.

I'll get you a new pair

of trainers. Designer.

- I tell you what, I'll

run you a nice hot bath.

What? You've never run me a bath!

- All right, I'll give you 20 quid. - Don't

be daft. - Come on, help your old man out.

I'm not hanging about though.

I swear, the car is ready and waiting.

- My keys are upstairs.

- Love you! - Yeah

Hi, darling.

- All right, Mum? - Where you

off to? - She's giving me a lift.

- I can see that. Where you going?

- Down the garage.

- Oh, you got the money then?

- Yeah, no thanks to you.

- What, you sold a motor?

- Course.

- Oh, good.

- Come on, Hayley, let's go.

- What you driving us all mad for?

- She's got

her own life to lead.

- It's all right, Mum.

- You're driving yourself mad.

- No, you're driving me mad.

I love you too.

Nutcase!

- All right, darling, see you.

- Yep. See you later.

Oi! Smiler!

Here y'are.

Just a little bit down.

- There?

- Ahh! That's it, go on.

All right, girls?

What's that on your head?!

My new hat!

Where'd you get it from?

A shop. Do you like it?

- Makes you look like a lobster.

- I thought I'd treat myself.

Oh, that's nice, he

thought he'd treat himself.

Yeah. I played a blinder.

I could have sold the Titanic for scrap.

Oh, he really deserves a

little treat, doesn't he?

We don't, but he does. How much was it?

- Mind your own business.

- It is my business.

What d'you need a hat for?

You've never worn one in your life.

- So? - You're ridiculous.

- I like it, it suits him.

- It's a waste of money.

- Hayley, make us a cup of tea, babe.

Go make your own cup of tea.

- Stick a broom up my

arse, I'll sweep the floor!

You know your problem?

You got no sense of adventure.

When you gonna start

paying me back my money?

Hold on, darling, just got to make a call.

Perry!

- All right, all right,

you're doing all right.

You're a crap shot!

Come on, higher.

Yes!

You idiot!

Jody?

Yeah?

Which shoes do you think I should wear?

The studs, they're nice.

Don't you think the black ones

go better with this outfit?

No, wear the studs, they

look better on your feet.

No, I'm gonna wear these ones.

If you're wearing those, I'm wearing these.

- You won't be taller than me.

- Come on, babe, I got to do one.

Hang on, I just got out the bath.

- Hurry up, I can't hold it much longer.

- Well, clench your buttocks.

- Is that what you're wearing?

- Yeah.

You look like Jane of the jungle in that.

Deb, I'm touching cloth.

Go on then, enjoy yourself.

Oh, don't! You'll make me laugh.

Ooh, you look nice, darling.

Thanks! You nearly ready?

Give us a sec!

State of it.

Was the team mad, then?

I wasn't happy!

That's pretty bad.

No, but...

So what, you got two own

goals and you sacked it?

And you're the best player?!

I don't think so.

You're forgetting I scored three goals

in front of my own team.

- But you scored two

goals for the other team!

This guy has a shot, right,

and I save it, and it hits your shins

and goes in the net, that's not your fault.

Why didn't you get out the way?

Exactly!

I didn't have time to.

It's not like it rifled back out.

It was going slowly, like, whoa...

Will you wake me up if I fall asleep?

I can't wake you up if I'm asleep, can I?

Take that thing off your head.

I'll take it off when

you turn out the light.

I'm not turning off the light

till I take my rollers out.

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