A Touch of Class Page #4

- What do you mean?

You think you're in spasm

and you're not in spasm, and I'm in spasm.

- Oh, boy.

- What do I do?

I think you better call the doctor.

Get the doctor.

Don't move. Please, don't move.

- How do I get the doctor if I don't move?

- Very slowly, that's all. Very slowly.

Oh, God!

Buenos das, seoras, seores.

Another beautiful day on the Costa del Sol.

I can't reach the phone. If you can just...

I've got the phone.

Help! What's doctor in Spanish?

- What is Spanish for doctor?

- II dottore.

- You sure?

- I think so.

- It sounds Italian.

- Well, maybe it's Italian. It's foreign.

- You tell them.

- Please, I'm in spasm.

- He's in spasm.

- Could you send a doctor?

Easy.

Gently.

Now, what precisely were you doing

when this thing happened?

I was sort of...

We were making love.

We were making love.

So, in the middle of making love

with this woman...

...you turned to see Gibraltar.

- S?

- S.

I see.

Now, I'm going to turn you over, so relax.

Very gently. Gently.

Okay, it's coming.

Relax. That's it.

- Would you give me a hand with the foot?

- Hand with the foot?

Yes, give him a hand with the foot.

Very gently. Relax.

How do you feel?

Better. Better.

Good. Now you can put him

back in the bed.

Thank you.

Easy. Gently.

Give him this.

- This?

- To sleep.

- To sleep.

- Rest good.

And do not try to make love again

until you can touch your toes.

- Touch my toes?

- Like this.

Then everything will be all right. Adis.

- Adis.

- Adis.

Gracias.

Muchas gracias.

Can I have the pills, please?

How are you enjoying the trip so far?

Nice.

That's what I thought.

Aren't you going to get under the covers?

No.

I see. Nice.

Mom, can I have one of these?

All the guys have them.

No, no, no.

Why not, Mom?

Excuse me, do you speak English?

I try, but I'm an American.

I have a son about the same size as yours.

Could I borrow him?

- You can have him all day if you want to.

- Thanks. Do you mind?

- Are you British?

- Yes.

- From London? Me, too.

- Yes.

We've been living there for years.

What did you say your name was?

Well, I didn't.

But it's Allessio, Vickie Allessio.

Thanks very much.

- Where are you staying?

- Guadalmina.

Maybe you and Mr. Allessio would have

dinner with my husband and me.

Well, that's very kind of you,

but I'm afraid I'm right out of Mr. Allessios.

- Are you here alone?

- Yes.

- That makes it easier.

- It doesn't actually.

Because I'm here for a sort of a rest.

And I'm on a diet. And you know how it is.

Thanks for the use of the chest.

Mrs. Allessio, how do you spell that?

Two L's, two S's and I'm out a lot.

No.

Hello.

How are you feeling?

- I can touch my toes.

- Can you?

You do realize

that I've just greased myself...

...with two tubes of very expensive

suntan oil?

I couldn't help noticing.

Pardon me for asking, but did you always

get what you want when you wanted it?

Even before I knew what to do with it.

If we are going to eat,

and I really think we...

Are you still asleep?

I feel marvelous.

I fell asleep before I could say thanks.

How do you feel?

Fine. But they do stop serving lunch

in 10 minutes.

Everything okay?

I booked a table,

but you know what they're like.

You know what I mean.

How was it for you?

Very nice.

- "Very nice"?

- Yes.

- Just "very nice"?

- What's wrong with "very nice"?

"Very nice" is hardly the phrase to describe

two bodies locked in heavenly transport.

You wouldn't chisel "very nice" in granite

under Rodin's The Kiss.

"Very nice" is when you get a get well card

from the butcher or TV repairman.

That's "very nice."

But for what we just did, the comments

range from lousy to sensational.

The rockets went off or the earth moved.

For God's sake.

These things take time.

This is a body not a machine.

You don't just press a button

and "Pow! " the earth moves.

- It moved pretty good for me.

- Well, lucky you.

God, you are all the same.

This obsession with male sexual prowess.

It is so typically American.

- Is it?

- It is, if you don't mind me telling you.

I don't mind you telling me. Not a bit.

It's that phrase I can't stand,

"Typically American."

Why not?

Because there's no such thing

as "typically American."

It's a big place. Which "typically

American" Americans do you mean?

The cab drivers in New York?

The coalminers in Pennsylvania?

The students at Berkeley? The Mormons

in Utah? The Harlem Globetrotters?

The daughters of the American Revolution,

you mean those?

I'll tell you,

they're all throwing rocks at each other.

The only thing "typically American"

about 200 million Americans...

...is that they never do anything "typically"

alike and that goes for humping, too.

Well, of course. I've had it off

with all 200 million of them.

Don't be an idiot.

Why are you so angry?

The earth moved for you.

I've never seen anyone

change so fast in my life.

I haven't changed a bit.

I'm the same sweet, sex-crazed

"typical American" I was 20 minutes ago!

And just remember this:

There is no better way for a man

to start the day...

...than with that bracing, glowing,

ego-building feeling...

...of knowing that he has struck out

in the sack.

"Struck out in the sack" is, I assume...

...a mixed metaphor,

undoubtedly American, and probably nasty.

- It'll do.

- And may I point out...

...as you have never noticed,

women are a little different from men.

- They require time. A little sensitivity.

- English women.

All women!

Anybody but a superannuated Boy Scout

would know that.

End of conversation. Oh, boy!

- "Oh, boy" what?

- Nothing.

It just takes time to know a person.

- It certainly does.

- Time and trouble.

Lots of time and lots of trouble.

- Right.

- Do you want lunch?

- Just a sandwich. I'm playing golf.

- Good. I'll trail along.

- You don't have to.

- No, but I could use the exercise.

I'll say. God knows,

you didn't get any this morning.

Enrique, 100 for the first nine,

- Comprende?

- S, seor.

- Mucho bene.

- I shall win though.

Are you gambling with this child?

It's not gambling.

These kids have Spanish pride.

So instead of tipping him, I let him win.

- So he wins, does he?

- Yeah, if he can.

I see.

- What is that supposed to mean?

- What is what supposed to mean?

"I see." That supercilious, cold-assed,

English way of saying "I see."

It means I'm delighted

the boy has a chance to win.

I'd hate to witness a grown man

who has to beat an 8-year-old child.

He's 13, smokes cigarettes,

goes to the flamenco dancer...

...and he gives me two shots aside.

- Ol!

- You gonna count that?

- You play four.

- She was talking to me.

- You lie three, you play four.

You know, winning is not that important.

You learn that as you go through life.

That's right. It's how you play the game.

Nice shot.

Nice shot.

- Muy bien.

- Try and stay off the green, will you?

What is it?

My cousins want to bet on me.

- Your cousins want to bet on you?

- S.

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