A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas Page #8

We gotta give her more blow.

No, no! No more cocaine!

I need it!

- There's some.

- Do not give her more!

Give it to me!

Ava, no! No, please!

Stop for Daddy. Shh, shh! Please!

Dude, look.

Oh, this is not good!

Oh, this is not good.

Oh, this is not good!

Ava! Scooch to Daddy!

Hide behind Daddy!

New plan. Let's bash through the door.

You steal his gun.

That's the stupidest thing

I've ever heard!

Yah!

Oh, f*** me. F***. I'm...

I'm so sorry. Wow.

I thought that would

knock you out, obviously.

Look. We are...

...two reasonable guys...

...and...

These are dangerous,

but, aw, it's a great workout.

You can really feel it.

Bis, pecs, this one.

Thank you, Adrian.

That was a really great team effort.

Who's my sidekick? You are.

Let's go.

Good girl! Let's go home!

Let's go see Santa.

Oh, mints!

Mm.

Where the f*** are we?

Those guys weren't kidding.

We're in the middle of nowhere.

Do you have any bars?

- I got no bars.

- Sh*t. Nothing here.

Hello?

Anybody here?

Forget it. Just...

Forget it. It's past 2 a.m.

They're home, wondering where I am,

where the tree is.

I just...

It's such a disaster, this f***ing night.

Yeah, you have no f***ing idea, dude.

No. When Maria's dad...

...was a young boy in Medelln...

- Vanessa's pregnant.

What?

She told me earlier today.

My reaction was not awesome.

I thought weed stunted fertility.

That's why I quit.

Yeah. Tell that to Snoop's kids.

Wait a second,

that's why you quit weed?

Yeah, that's why l...

We've been trying for like a...

For a year.

Oh, man.

Now I feel even worse about your dick.

I don't wanna...

How do we get out?

I got an idea.

I saw this in a movie, man.

Just shoot this motherf***er,

people come.

We can find people.

No, it's fine. Aah!

Now what?

I don't know.

No f***ing way.

Santa, can you hear me?

Oh, what the f***?

Lie still. You've been in a terrible accident.

I'm gonna take a closer look.

Oh, God!

This isn't good.

Mr. Claus, can you feel...

...any of this?

Just let me die, please!

Let me die in peace!

No. Nobody's dying, Claus.

Not on my watch.

Listen to me. I need you to go

into Santa's gift bag...

...get as many medical supplies

as you can.

Oh, God!

Aah!

Ah, there.

I think that'll do it.

How do you feel, Mr. Claus?

Uh, a little woozy.

The morphine. It'll wear off.

Nice. But I...

...think I'm okay.

Look, Santa, we're so sorry.

Oh, I know it wasn't your fault.

You two have always been good boys.

Tell that to my father-in-law.

Hey, man, I can take the blame

for that, all right?

Listen, I'd love to stay and chat...

...but I'm running a little late

and I have all these...

...presents to deliver.

So you guys need a ride

or something?

Seriously?

Ha, ha. Dude, this is awesome!

It's not not awesome!

On, Blitzen! Hyah!

Thanks for the ride.

I'm guessing...

...you don't have a 12-foot Fraser fir?

Sorry. I can't help you there.

Besides...

...I gave you your present.

- You did?

- Yes.

You got my package, right?

The joint?

- That was you?

- Yeah.

It was my little way of bringing

you boys back together.

Dude...

...I'd really like it

if you came over tomorrow.

Won't be a party unless you're there.

It's about f***ing time, Roldy.

I wouldn't miss it, man.

By the way, for what it's worth...

...you'd make a great dad.

Well, I guess...

...this is goodbye, Roldy.

Be a good boy...

...next year.

All right.

No more jerking off into a sock

filled with baby powder.

- L...

- Ha, ha. Don't worry.

I'm just teasing you.

I do it too.

On, Prancer! On, Comet!

On, Blitzen! Hyah!

L...

Merry Christmas, Roldy!

MR. PEREZ:

Where's the tree?

It's, um...

Okay, what happened is that, um...

You said you were going to...

...take care of it.

Now where's the tree?

What happened to the tree is, uh...

...I kind of burned it down.

That tree was a Perez...

...family tradition.

You ruined Christmas!

Ha, ha. I ruined your...?

You ruined my Christmas, man!

Heh, heh. Do you know what happened?

Uh, I inadvertently introduced

a baby to cocaine.

I was almost burned alive

by Ukrainian gangsters.

I was drugged by...

...a**hole teenagers. Then I danced

in a Christmas extravaganza.

And I'm a terrible dancer.

I almost had my dick ripped off.

And then I shot...

...Santa Claus in the f***ing face.

He's real, and I shot him in the face.

Why?

Because I wanted you...

...to have a perfect

f***ing Christmas.

Now, here's a newsflash:

This is my house.

Maria is my wife.

And if you want to be in our family...

...you best show me some

f***ing respect.

Is that too much?

I like it.

- Really?

- Look.

I always knew you were a nice guy.

But that's not enough

to be with my Maria.

I didn't want her to be...

...with some wimpy p*ssy.

But you...

You showed me you got cojones.

Testicles, right?

Rosetta Stone.

- You know what?

- What's that?

This coming Easter...

...you guys come to my house.

That would really be great.

Thank you, Carlos.

Mr. Perez.

Mr. Perez.

F***!

Kumar!

Jesus!

I'm sorry. I was gonna use the doorbell

but I didn't want to wake your parents.

What...? What are you doing?

You can't just...

Hold on. There's something...

...I need to say to you, okay?

When you told me you were pregnant,

I admit I was scared as sh*t.

The more I think about it,

the more excited I am.

I mean, I love kids.

That's because you are a kid.

I know. But... Look, if you

give me another chance...

...I promise you I will go back to the

medical board, I'll get my job back.

I'll even quit weed if I have to.

You'd quit weed?

Of course. I would do anything for you.

When I saw what Harold did

for his family tonight...

...it made me realize

how important you are to me.

I wish I would've realized that sooner.

You don't have to do this.

I know I don't have to.

I want to.

Do me a favor.

Yeah, anything.

Don't quit weed.

What?

Just remember,

next time you take a drug test...

...use my pee.

I love you.

I love you too.

Let's have some sex

before you get all fat on me.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Harold! Wake up! Baby.

- It's pink.

- Oh, my God.

- It's pink.

- It's a miracle.

It's a miracle.

MR. PEREZ:

It's a miracle!

It's a miracle!

Isn't this the most beautiful tree

you've ever seen?

I came downstairs this morning...

...and here she was.

God bless us, everyone!

Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas!

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