About A Boy Page #6

Instead we had nut loaf with parsnip gravy.

As I sat there, I had a strange feeling.

I was enjoying myself.

I'd never really enjoyed Christmas before.

My mother used to make me sing

Santa's Super Sleigh...

...in front of my inebriated uncles and aunts...

...just to get at my dad, I think.

But Christmas at Marcus',

I'm ashamed to say it, gave me...

...a warm, fuzzy feeling.

I held that feeling responsible

for the strange events that followed.

First of all, Marcus got a crush on a girl.

Hello.

Piss off.

And then, even stranger, so did I.

It was all Marcus' fault, really...

...because once you open your door

to one person, anyone can come in.

On New Year's Eve, I met Rachel.

She was interesting, smart and attractive.

And for about five minutes,

I had her convinced that I was, too.

...things like political events.

Okay.

You in television?

Am I in television? No.

- Everyone else is in television.

- Yeah.

I watch television.

Right, right.

So you're more in front of it than in it.

- In it, yeah.

- Yes, I get it, yeah.

It was torture.

For five minutes I realized what life would be like

if I were, in any way, interesting.

If I had anything to say for myself,

if I did anything.

But I didn't do anything.

And in about 30 seconds she'd know

and she'd be gone like a shot.

So what do you do?

I'm sort of taking a bit of time off at the moment.

- Sounds good, yeah.

- Yeah.

Time off from what?

To be absolutely honest,

time off from time off, in fact.

The interesting thing about me is

I don't actually do anything.

- You don't do anything?

- Actually, no.

- Nothing.

- Nope.

Wow.

That's...

Now, Rachel, darling.

East Coast or West Coast rap?

I have absolutely no...

There. She was gone.

There was no more to say.

All rap music sounds exactly the same to me.

Or was there?

I tell you what. I know a 12-year-old

who'd kill you for saying that.

- Really?

- Yes.

- So do I, come to that.

- Yeah?

- Yeah. What's yours called?

- Mine?

He's called Marcus.

Mine's Ali. Alistair.

And there it was.

It wasn't a lie.

It was 100 percent her assumption.

Well, 50 percent, at the very least.

I was in fantasyland again.

But this time it was different.

SPAT was for fun. This was serious.

I acted in self-defense.

We arranged to get our lads together.

Which means

we arranged for us to get together.

Single parents, alone together.

Happy New Year!

I was in deep trouble.

And there was only one person

who could help me out.

"Shake ya ass, but watch ya self

Shake ya ass, show me what you workin' with

"Shake ya ass, watch ya self

- "Show me what you workin' with"

- What did you just say to me?

You heard me, squitty little shitty

snot-nosed bastard!

Sorry.

I was singing along to this song by Mystikal.

It's a rap.

You like rap?

A little.

It's by black people, mostly.

They're angry most of the time.

But sometimes they just want to have sex.

You taking a piss?

'Cause if you are, you'll get a slap.

I'm not taking a piss.

I don't even know how to take a piss.

- What's your name?

- Marcus.

I'm Ellie.

Hi, Ellie. Nice to meet you.

Not so fast. I'm not ready for physical contact.

Next thing you know, we'll be having sex.

And where will that get us?

And stop telling strangers to shake their ass.

Okay, Ellie. See you!

Hello, mate.

Listen, I need your help.

Why did you tell this lady I was your son?

No, I didn't tell her.

I told you,

she just got the wrong end of the stick.

So just tell her.

- No. Can't do that.

- Why not?

We're really going around in circles here.

Just accept the facts, okay?

You're my son.

I'll tell her, if you like. I don't mind.

That's very kind of you, Marcus, but no.

- Why not?

- For Christ's sake!

She's got a rare disease

and if she believes something that's not right...

...then hears the truth, her brain will boil

in her head and she'll die, okay?

That's a load of sh*t.

I'm really interested in this woman.

What do you mean, interested?

What's so interesting about her?

Okay, Marcus, here.

Here's my last scrap of dignity. Enjoy it.

I want to go out with her. Okay?

I'd like her to be my girlfriend. There, I said it.

Brilliant! Why didn't you just say that?

I don't know.

I was embarrassed or something,

'cause this is a bit new for me.

I just met her, her name's Rachel. She's sort of-

There's this girl at school. Ellie.

I kind of want her to be my girlfriend.

I'm not exactly sure.

I've been meaning to ask you.

What's the difference between

a girl who's your friend and a girlfriend?

Well, I don't know.

Do you want to touch her?

Is that so important?

Yeah, you've heard about sex, right?

It is kind of a big deal.

I know. I'm not stupid.

I just can't believe there's nothing more to it.

I mean, like, I want to be with her more.

I want to be with her all the time.

And I want to tell her things

I don't even tell you or Mum.

And I don't want her to have another boyfriend.

If I could have all those things...

...I wouldn't really mind if I touched her or not.

Well, you'll learn, Marcus.

You won't feel like that forever.

Okay, how do I look?

Good. How do I look?

Just be as normal as you can, okay?

Good advice for Marcus.

I wish I could have followed it.

I'm sorry it's such a mess.

That's where I work.

My mouth was dry

and my palms sweating.

I didn't know what the hell was happening to me.

...manage to tidy up. Ali?

All I could do was stand there,

grinning like an idiot.

- Should we just go upstairs?

- Sure. Okay.

Ali.

Marcus.

Marcus.

Ali.

You're in my year at school.

Really? Yeah, I think I've seen you around.

Great!

Then you guys'll have a lot to talk about.

Will, this is Ali.

Ali, this is Will.

- All right.

- All right.

Do you guys want to hang up here for a while?

- Yeah, sounds good, right?

- Yeah. Okay.

For a moment, I loved him.

Really loved him.

You can show him

your new computer games.

Good. Okay, catch you later.

Let's leave them to it.

If your dad goes out with my mum,

then you're dead.

Really dead.

- Don't worry. He's all right.

- I don't care if he's all right!

I don't want him going out with my mum!

I don't want to see him

or you around here ever again, okay?

I'm not really sure it's up to me.

Well, it better be! Or you're going to die.

I was getting the feeling

that maybe this kid Ali was a serial killer.

Can I have a go on your computer?

What games you got?

Are you listening to me?

Yeah, it's just that I can't really

do much at the moment, can I?

I mean, Will, that's my dad...

...he likes your mum,

and I think she's keen on him.

She's not keen on him!

She's only keen on me!

One amazing thing about Rachel...

...was that I wanted to kiss her every time

she said something interesting.

Which was all the time.

It was sexy. It was weird.

I use Bristol boards, India ink and...

Am I boring you?

No, no. No.

- What?

- Nothing.

It's just you looked like Marcus just then.

Did I?

I think it's sweet how much

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