About Last Night Page #11

---

No. No, no, don't...

- So the hemiparesis is on the affected side.

- That's correct, on the left side.

Which then is consistent with...

No! What are you doing?

This is your first vacation in three

years, and you spend it with Hugh Laurie.

He's the only person in the world who

understands me. He's really smart.

You know why, Deb?

Because Dr House knows something that

Debbie Sullivan has yet to discover.

What?

All the answers in the world

won't solve your problems.

Call him.

You know you want to.

And also,

I'm seeing Bernie again.

- I know.

- How?

Come on. I'm depressed,

I'm not stupid.

Yeah, baby!

Don't hurt it.

I got it.

Heaven.

Eureka.

Wow, this looks great.

You guys really went all out.

- Thank you.

- Well, it's a very special evening.

Are you pregnant?

What? Hell, no. Come on, don't you

say no sh*t like that. Come on, Deb.

I mean, if you wanna have a baby, baby,

you know, I'm for what you want to do.

So don't ever think

that's in question.

So, are you coming to my

birthday dinner next week?

Yeah. Is Danny coming?

- He won't be there, Deb.

- Invite him. It's his best friend.

Me? Friends? No,

I don't have no friends.

Deb, you don't even know that

about me. I don't believe in friends.

Only thing I believe in is Joan

and whatever undiscovered mystery's

lying between those legs of hers.

- My God.

- You look so good in this light.

Don't you mess around and get

into trouble on this table.

- Stop it. You better stop it.

- Don't get in trouble. I'll take it.

Anyway, it is my birthday

and what I say goes. Right?

Obviously. That's done. You already

know I'm on board with that.

It's the phone. I'll get it.

- You got it, baby?

- You guys start. Yep. It's fine.

- Girl, you look good! Real good.

- Bernie, stop it!

This looks so good.

- Shut up! Girl, look at me. Get the bag.

- What's this?

Listen to me. The food is vile.

You hear me? The b*tch cannot cook.

Whatever you do, you do not

swallow the f***ing food.

What you're gonna do is this.

You wait till she not looking,

spit it in the bag, get low.

Put it in the f***ing bag. After you

do that, throw that sh*t in the trash.

Do it fast, 'cause if the food eat

through the bag, she'll smell it.

All right? You're not listening.

You don't give a sh*t

about what I'm saying.

Okay, I gotta die for it,

don't mean you have to.

You on your own.

I tried to tell you.

Here she comes. Put the bag down.

Telemarketers.

- Oh, God.

- Awful.

They just ring and ring...

Baby, you didn't eat anything.

Well, I'm waiting on you. I'm

not gonna eat without my baby.

Can you believe this one?

Here, take some.

Before we do that, let's do

the thing before we eat.

What thing?

- This is time for our special announcement.

- It is.

I would like to take this

time to propose a toast.

Now, I don't know to what extent

you and Joan have talked about

the magic that's been going

on in our relationship.

Magic?

Let him finish.

He wants to do this.

Baby, that's not true.

Okay, I don't want to do it.

I'm doing it because we

agreed that I'm better at it.

- No. We didn't.

- Yes, we did.

No.

Yes. You were worried about

how she was going to take it.

I said it's about the presentation.

No, I said that because

I'm the one with her,

that I see her upset and

crying all the time.

No, baby. That's a lie. You

were the one talking about

she gonna slit her wrists

and all this sh*t.

Hey, hey! I'm moving out.

- Okay?

- No.

- Yes.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- No. No. What?

I found a place. I'm moving

out end of the month.

- You're not mad?

- No! Of course not.

Thank you so much,

because if you were mad at me, you

know what, I would totally understand.

Because I gave you so much sh*t

about moving in with a guy.

And then, I turn around

and have Bernie move in.

Although, we were together longer

than you and what's-his-name.

- Even though we weren't technically...

- We were together a lot longer.

We were, we were.

It was on. It was magic.

Yes. And we were happier.

- Their sh*t was f***ed up.

- It was f***ed up!

And I said in the beginning

that wasn't gonna last.

No, no, no, remember

we had over and under.

You know, crash and burn. Crash

and burn. That's what we called them.

Oh, my God.

Okay, okay, okay. I get it.

It's cool, I just didn't think

you were one of those girls

that drop your friends the second

you get some regular dick.

You got me.

Back up. Regular dick? Ain't

nothing regular about my dick.

My dick is completely irregular.

Okay, let's set that record straight.

- You got him started.

- I give it two months.

Hey, before we drink, so, like, what are

we talking about with you being out?

- No rush.

- But let's put a number to it.

It's the 10th,

so you're talking 13...

- This month has 30 or 31...

- Thirty-one days.

- That's gonna be crazy.

- If it's 13, it's okay.

- To you guys!

- Thank you.

Man. Butt-naked, running

around the house.

It's on! It's on!

Your food should be

right up, all right?

How was he?

- Great.

- Hey, buddy. Hello.

He's getting really strong

and he pulls a lot.

Maybe you should get him

a harness or something.

Will do, will do. Thanks

for taking care of him.

Sure. I mean, it's my job.

So, I'll see you Tuesday.

Yeah. All right.

Nice dog walker.

Hey. Danny Martin,

professional friend.

Hey, what you gonna do, man?

You coming to the Broadway bar?

Yeah, I'm just right around the corner,

man. I gotta walk Pacino home.

Well, hurry up.

Tell him Scent of a Woman

came out on Blu-ray.

That always makes him take

a sh*t when I walk him.

Pacino!

Hey! Pacino! Pacino!

Out of the road, a**hole!

Hey.

Hey.

He's so big.

Yeah, he's all grown up now.

Yeah. I'll say.

I hope to be just like him one day.

- Are you going to Joan's?

- Yeah.

You know, they told me you weren't

coming, so I wouldn't have...

No, it's cool. I'm sure

they couldn't resist.

- You think?

- Yeah.

I mean, old habits

die hard with them.

You look good.

You, too.

And Pacino looks

handsome and happy.

He's doing all right.

Good boy. Good boy.

Good boy.

I was just gonna take him

for a walk around the park.

You wanna... I mean, I'm sure Pacino

would want to spend some quality time.

Yeah, sure.

She's not responding.

I think he's gonna

flake on me, too.

Wait, do they know we

tried to set them up?

Yeah, baby. I mean,

they're not stupid.

Wait, no, I take that back,

because Danny is a little slow.

Debbie ain't no rocket scientist.

Danny might be in the top two dumbest

people I've ever met in my life.

That b*tch barely thinks,

you know what I mean?

I think she spells her

name with one "B".

Dumbass couple.

Stupid as f***. Right?

That's why I feel so bad, because

who else is gonna be with them?

- I mean, they're dumb.

- That's true.

When you got two people that

dumb, they gotta stay together.

That's true. You know what,

I think it takes us down,

hanging around them

the way that we were.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes