About Last Night Page #4
of All-Star Battle Royale.
I usually masturbate and
watch old episodes of House.
Yep.
- That's good.
- You like that?
I don't even want
to check my phone.
F*** it. We'll do it together.
Count of three.
One, two, three.
- Sh*t.
- Sh*t.
Bernie Litko is an a**hole!
And I liked him. I really liked him.
I was so into him.
And now I hope he gets hit by a car
and doesn't die, but his
dick gets paralysed.
And he can only have sex through
a series of hand signals.
Slow down. Slow down.
What happened?
Excuse me. You can't drink in here.
Alcohol only after 6:00 p.m.
Well, isn't it after
6:
00 p.m. in Korea?I don't know. I'll call
my grandmother in China
and ask her if she
knows any Koreans.
Nice.
B*tch.
- Did she just call me a b*tch?
- Stop it!
- He broke...
- Up with me.
- Get out of here.
- Here's the thing.
I explained to her, I said, technically,
we're not even boyfriend and girlfriend,
so, technically, you
can't break up with me.
Did she give you a reason for not
technically breaking up with you?
She's a woman, Danny. I mean, she
bitched about a few minor things.
See, my parents...
Are coming to town and I'm
like, "I want to meet them."
And he's like, "No way."
And I'm like, "Why not?" And he goes,
"Because you're not Jewish."
- He's...
- Jewish? How did I not know that?
A, because I'm not.
And B, because when you and I were f***ing,
you never asked to meet my parents.
True.
And, so what?
I dropped the Jew-bomb.
She can't say anything about it.
If she does, she's racist.
Bernie, dropping the Jew-bomb after
months of f***ing her? Real mature.
Don't do that, Danny.
Don't judge me.
I like Joan. I think
Joan is great in bed.
I think the girl's ass should be
worshipped by indigenous peoples.
But when you start talking about
girlfriend and boyfriend,
and meeting the parents,
it's exit time for me.
Weren't you the one that
said get in or get out?
Part of getting in, genius,
is knowing when to get...
You're not listening.
I had to break up with him
because I'm not Jewish.
What kind of weak-ass man...
Hold up, hold up, hold up. I thought
you said he broke up with you.
He did. Because
I did the only thing
a red-blooded woman can
do in that situation.
I forced an ultimatum. You choose me,
or you choose your family and heritage.
And he chose 3,000 years
of beautiful tradition.
Can you believe that a**hole?
- How's Bernie?
- Fine. How's Joan?
- Fine. How's work?
- Good. You?
- Great.
- I'm hungry, woman. Let's go.
There it is.
You know, you could really use
Oh, my God. Someone stole
my dining room table.
And a dining room. Holy sh*t.
I'm serious. What do you do
when you have people come over?
I don't have people over.
- Hello. What am I?
- Special.
Thank you.
Come here.
I thought about you all day.
- I thought about me all day, too.
- You're such a dick.
Been wearing that backpack for
longer than three weeks now.
You're officially a lesbian.
Some of us don't live here or
roll out of bed looking perfect.
You do.
- Thank you.
- Good morning.
Good morning.
Coming back tonight?
I gotta go by my place first, get
some more clothes for tomorrow.
You coming back tomorrow night?
Yep. I am. Why? What's wrong?
Well, you're just always here.
Okay.
So, leave some stuff.
Take a drawer.
A drawer?
A whole drawer for little
old me? Really, Danny?
Yeah.
You sure? It's kind of a big deal.
Keys.
A drawer and keys?
Somebody pinch me. Really.
Keep talking that sh*t and I will
make sure you are late for work.
You know what?
I knew it. I knew it.
I knew this would happen. I knew
you would move in with this guy!
I just feel that adults
don't have roommates.
They live with their
significant others.
So, I am now suddenly a child because
you found a guy you think you like?
- No, but Danny and I talked about it...
- For what?
Five minutes in bed?
Joan, I'm giving you two months' extra
rent until you find someone else.
I didn't think you were one of
those girls who drops her friends
the second she gets regular dick.
Nice. So, let me get this straight.
I finally meet someone
that I really care about,
and you think that I
should force a breakup,
and complain constantly.
I'm down if you are.
If you want your 30s to
be a blur of parties,
punctuated by teeth cleanings,
that's great. That's your life.
I just want something different.
That means being spontaneous.
You know what?
You are such a wild card.
That's why you're packing a week
before the U-Haul gets here, huh, Deb?
Great. You know what?
Go, go! Just go!
I give it two months.
Three, tops! And this
is my sh*t, damn it!
When I said get in or get out, I didn't mean
go put a loaded gun to your damn head.
- There's nothing loaded gun about this.
- What are you talking about?
We're great together, all right?
This is just the next step.
Off a cliff? It's not funny, man.
Like you're laughing.
Dude, do you think it's about to be free
blowj*bs for the rest of your life?
Is that what you're thinking?
That's not the case, man.
You don't even get it.
Your life is over.
No more going out all night.
You understand that? That's done.
One-night stands? Over.
Yo, do you hear that? I hear something.
Where's it coming from? I don't know...
It's the nail hitting the damn coffin.
You don't even get it.
Your life is over, dude.
I know she just saw me.
Hey, sweet pea.
Excuse me?
Don't call me sweet pea.
And also... F*** off.
All right, babe. I'll just...
You need to wipe that
damn smirk off your face.
You'll be me in T-minus
two months. You hear me?
- Right on.
- Will you stop with the hands?
What's your problem?
Hey, Joan, listen.
- I know this must suck for you...
- Bite me!
Blow me!
See what I'm saying? I ain't
never disrespect you like that.
Joan!
Miss that? Miss it like
having a growth removed!
I wanna talk to you, man.
All that stuff I was saying to you
about her potentially being Alison,
I didn't mean it, man.
I'm seeing a difference in you.
And I feel like it's
because of her.
I'm kind of, like, jealous.
A little bit.
- I'm really happy for you, Danny.
- Really?
F***, no! This is stupid!
"Really? Are you really happy?"
I think it looks pretty. Pillows are
pretty. And, you know, curtains and...
We don't really need curtains,
'cause, you know, we have shades.
- Yeah, no. Decorative. No, we do.
- I don't need this many pillows.
I just wanna get rid of all of them.
See? What are you doing?
Okay. All right.
Wow, what have you been up to?
Do you like it? I mean, if not, the
salesman said that I can send it back.
A dining room table?
Yeah. Just in time
for Thanksgiving.
- Thanksgiving?
- Yeah.
I was thinking we could invite some of our
friends over for Thanksgiving dinner.
Since we're cohabitating now.
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"About Last Night" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 22 Dec. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/about_last_night_2151>.
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