About Last Night Page #5

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It's my favourite holiday.

So, what do you think?

Do you like it? Be honest.

- You did great.

- I did?

- You did really great.

- I did, didn't I?

Hope you're hungry. I ordered

a large pizza. Pepperoni.

Okay.

How long ago did you

order this pizza?

Why?

Wondering how much time we had.

Oh, my God. Where is he?

I'm starving.

- There he is.

- Perfect.

I'm hungry as a

motherf***er. Let's go.

- Looking for these?

- Yeah.

Yeah.

- No, you don't need them.

- So I go to the door naked?

- Yeah, go to the door like that.

- Come on, the pizza's getting cold.

I won't answer the door naked.

Can I get my underwear, please?

Come on, I dare you.

- You what?

- I dare you.

- You dare me?

- I double dare you.

- You double dare me?

- Yeah.

- For real?

- Yeah.

Sh*t. All right, woman.

No, wait! Wait, wait. Let me see.

- Come on.

- I just like looking at you.

I appreciate it. Thank you.

Can we eat tonight?

Okay, fine.

You throw like a girl.

- I'll get the plates.

- Yeah.

What is it?

I forgot we have the same phone.

Listen.

She has a psycho antenna that tells her,

"Somewhere out there, Danny is happy.

"And I should swoop in and blow it

all to sh*t." I just ignore her.

Yeah, but you're not ignoring it.

You're letting it ring.

See, if I ignore it, it goes

straight to voice-mail, right?

And then she knows I ignored it.

Then she sticks a pin

in a voodoo doll.

Wait a minute. People know when

you hit the ignore button?

- Yeah.

- No one ever told me that!

You're such a f***ing nerd.

We don't need to

make this about us.

This is just Alison being crazy.

I mean, we moved in together

after a 10-minute conversation.

You know what? We gave it our best shot.

You're right. We should just call U-Haul...

You never said you wanted this.

I just spent a week rearranging

my life and moving you in.

Does that not say

I want to do this?

Are we fighting right now?

Is this our first fight?

Yeah, and it's like we're coming

out of the gate pretty strong.

I need to hear you say it.

I wanna do this.

Why?

I want, like, a home.

I haven't had one in a long

time, and you being here

makes this place a home.

That's so amazing.

Yeah?

Can we always be honest like this?

Absolutely.

What level of honesty

would you prefer?

"I don't like it when you play

Rihanna music" honest?

Or "I imagine a threesome with you and

Rihanna" honest? I'm good either way.

God, I love you.

I love you, too.

I'm gonna get those plates.

No, no, no, Danny!

- Who said it first?

- She did. But I don't think she meant to.

Women approach that phrase

with a tactical strategy

normally reserved for an

anti-terrorist strike team.

- I think it was just an accident.

- This was no accident.

That was an ambush.

This was definitely...

The worst thing you could do.

- It's not like I planned it. It just came out.

- Well, it's a disaster.

Let's just go to his place,

move your stuff out,

start a new life in another

state. Disappear.

Join Witness Protection

because you're f***ed.

Is it that bad to be the

first one to say it?

Yes, it is! And you know why?

- Why?

- Because in every relationship everywhere,

there is a person who cares

more than the other person.

And whoever says

"I love you" first...

Cares more!

That other person's gotta

match that level of caring.

Which is impossible because

she will always care more!

Now you're saying things like,

"I don't know if I feel the same way."

So, you're saying

we should have just counted to three

and maybe said it at the same time?

That's not what I'm saying, Ike.

When you were with Alison,

who said "I love you" first?

Sh*t.

Exactomundo, man.

- Hey, daddio, we didn't order these.

- They did.

Them b*tches over there?

Yep.

- I love Halloween.

- I love Halloween.

I hate Halloween.

Wait, who are you, by the way?

What's your costume?

Are you Rod Stewart in drag?

I'm Tina Turner. It makes more

sense when I stand next to Danny.

Right, like that's not a

metaphor for something.

There they are. My only regret is that

he didn't let me clean his teeth.

I bet that f***er's like the Sistine

Chapel of hardened plaque.

Divide and conquer?

Let's do it.

All right, so let me break it down

for you. The slutty angel, she likes anal.

All right? And the slutty nurse, she likes

to say "Daddy" while she's having sex.

- That's her thing.

- No sh*t.

And the slutty nun,

it's on with the slutty nun.

Well, here's to another night of sexual

perversity in Los Angeles, baby.

Wait. No, I'm not gonna do that.

I'm not toasting with you to that.

That's not your world no more.

You've been banished into the world

of couples' costumes, Danny.

That's right. I don't know anything

that's more emasculating than that.

Who the hell are you supposed to be?

I mean, aren't you cold?

I am Channing Tatum. Channing

Tatum never gets cold.

Church.

- Ike, baby.

- Hey, how's it going?

I gotta meet a client in the

morning, so I can't stay too long.

Baby. It's a holiday.

You gotta work tomorrow?

It's a kids' holiday and

grown-ups have to work tomorrow.

That's a great attitude to have.

Why don't you just tell him

that there's no Santa Claus?

Aren't you Jewish?

Who are you waving

those singles at?

There ain't no magic

in that mini-Mike.

- You see what I'm talking about?

- Take your little drink.

Get on the way. I have this.

What is she... Joan!

You better not... Hey, Joan!

What did you just say to them?

Nothing. I just told

them you gave me herpes.

That I have... I don't

have f***ing herpes, Joan!

Promise me we'll never

end up like them.

All's fair, Bitchko. What are

you gonna do, cry about it?

Yo, you are sick.

You're gone, Joan.

If you didn't have a p*ssy, there

would be a bounty on your head!

- Can we go home now?

- Come on, little mama, let's split.

You are a psychopathic

social misfit

who's clearly in the middle

of a deep homosexual panic.

If I'm gay, it's only because after

f***ing you for three months,

that seems like the next

logical step to take!

I would rather chase another man's

ass than f*** you again, Joan!

- Homosexual panic! Homosexual panic!

- That's a panic?

That's a panic? This is a panic!

You got no idea what

I'll do to you.

You better make it count, motherf***er,

'cause you won't get a second one!

You make me mad!

I hate your guts!

Get away. You get away!

You better lose my number.

You lose it!

I'm gonna lose the memory

that you ever lived!

Security!

Hey, dude, when I tell you

last night got crazy...

You remember the

slutty chicks, right?

We start doing shots. We do, like,

f***ing 16 shots, back to back.

You should have stayed instead of leaving

like a little whipped punk b*tch.

- Yeah, I'm super jealous of you right now.

- Tell you something,

if you're gonna scream

at me, don't talk to me.

I'm talking in a totally

normal voice right now.

- You know, I don't need to party.

- Okay.

I can have a perfectly

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