Accidental Love Page #7

---

Did anyone else see?

No, just me. I'm the only one

who's in on the... murder.

Fate gave us a break, for God's sake.

Don't get all crumbly on me.

I need to practice my eulogy, Edwin.

This is my moment. You need to support me.

He was my mentor.

Hi... can you guys move over?

Thanks.

- What?

- Get away from me.

I cannot believe I trusted you. You

were supposed to take care of me.

So I sort of lied a little bit, OK? And

I-and I didn't understand what I was doing.

And, you know, I got caught up in the system, yes.

But I got inspired by you.

And now I might lose my job.

So what?

Was that something about the nail?

- Yes. God.

- Let me get that removed, OK?

We have great healthcare in Congress and

I could give you my surgery voucher.

Is that like a Shakira voucher

or is it a real voucher?

That's a real voucher.

- Well, what about my friends?

- Yeah, we'll take some of that, amigo.

What? Do I look like I'm made

out of vouchers over here?

I have one major surgery voucher,

and I'm offering it to you.

I can't get this thing out until everyone

can get help, OK? I'm thinking bigger.

That's awesome, Alice,

but you're never going to get that

bill passed until you're dead.

Either from that thing in your

head or from your old age, OK?

And I care about you a lot. And I

don't want to see you die, OK?

There's gotta be some way or

else my country totally sucks.

It's imposs...

It's impossible unless something

extremely dramatic happens very soon.

And the Speaker of the House just choked to death.

So I think we're out of drama right now.

Watch this.

What are you doing? Wait, no. Stop. Stop. Stop it.

- This man... was a great hero.

- No, wait, stop, stop.

What?

What an American hero this man was! Come on!

Oh, God.

Come on, people!

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you, bless you.

I know, I know he was a great man.

I know him and I loved him,

too, and he changed my life.

- Thank you.

- Hugging the widow.

No. The widow hugs me.

And I'm gonna tell the truth about him, right now.

I just want to give you a hug.

No. She's gonna tell the truth about Buck now.

She's not gonna tell the truth about Buck.

She doesn't even know Buck.

You don't know anything about Buck either.

You just wanted his job

and now you have it. Now, sit.

What a sad, sad occasion it is that

has brought us together today.

And you're probably wondering who I am. Well,

I'm nobody. I'm just a regular citizen...

that Congressman McCoy took the time to see...

on the last day of his life.

Because...

he was a generous... and caring man.

I was there. I was there when he died...

trying to Heimlich the cookie

chunks from the Speaker's throat,

but we just couldn't Heimlich

enough and I blame myself.

- Don't blame yourself.

- I do. No, I do. I blame myself.

I'm a woman with a nail in my

head that I cannot afford to fix,

which might hemorrhage and kill me at any time.

But he was a man...

who I have learned... happily crushed...

every piece of health legislation

that he could get his hands on

during his 31-year career.

But... do you know what his last dying words were?

I do. Because he said them to me.

He said...

he said, "Alice...

Alice, if a congressman had a nail in his head,

Congress would pay to have it

removed." That's what he said.

Congress would pay to have it removed.

Why can't you and all Americans be

shown that same human decency? Why?

Why can't we?

This is not fair." he said. And he said,

"Let's just forget about the moon base.

Forget about it. We have

plenty of defense already.

And let's pass the emergency

healthcare law instead."

He reversed his position.

It's true. I knew he always had it in him.

My husband was a big-hearted man.

Yes, he was. Yes, he was.

Let's do this. This was his dying wish.

Let's do it for Buck McCoy.

Yes!

- Tell us about your injury.

- What else did Buck say before he died?

- Were you attacked with a nail gun?

- Where's Howard?

- There he is!

- There he is!

Howard!

- Did he embrace legalizing medical marijuana?

- And what about stem cells?

I-I-I don't know. I-I-I-I don't know.

Maybe yes on the medical marijuana.

How was that for dramatic?

You were amazing. That was like...

political karate.

I mean, you hijacked the legacy

of a major political career

and then you just... transformed

the chi over to our cause.

- I know, right?

- You're inspiring.

You are a fantastic liar, and

for all the right reasons.

Oh, honey, you taught me how to lie to get

what I want because you did it to me.

- But you're the better liar.

- It's you.

You're the best liar. You're the better liar.

- No, no.

- You are the better liar.

You're a better liar. Like, top tier liar.

Are you still mad at me?

No. I can see you were stuck in a

situation that wasn't really you.

I definitely think we inspire each other.

And... I think I'm in love with you.

I think I'm in love with you, too.

Alice. You were filled with the divine spirit.

You know what? You touched the magic.

And that ain't easy, believe me.

I have been on many a pulpit. And

I have oft... But you soared.

Couldn't have did it better myself.

Alice, everyone wants to see you.

It's so exciting.

Congress guy, Pam Henry, wants to

see you, but in a bad, scary way.

- That is scary.

- Why is that scary?

You smacked down on the most

important member of the House

after we killed the other most

important member of the House.

And Pam Henry plays rough. She's a

take-no-prisoners kind of gal, OK?

She's going to do us and

smear us across the floor.

I'm just saying, it's not going

to be good times, Beach Boys.

OK. Well, bring it 'cause we can take her.

- Let's go.

- Yeah... Maybe...

maybe we can. You know, I wanna...

I wanna say that I love you.

I wannna be the kind of man who

stays here and fights for you

and, uh, all the sad, injured people without money.

You're a good man.

- Thanks, Norm.

- Howard, what are you doing?

Look, it's just kind of a gigantic deal, you know,

when you go against your party and

all the big bosses who got you here.

So I'm just going to need to take

a minute and, uh, think about this.

Wait, you can't just leave. You have to

introduce our bill in the new session.

And you've got to be with me and stuff.

Howard, come on. We're a team.

Listen, I am going to be there.

I swear on my life.

Howard, Pam Henry wants to see you,

and you better come right now!

You tell her that I'm gonna be there, alright?

I swear on my life!

Behold, I would wander far away. I would

remain in the wilderness. Psalm 55.

Some folks go crazier than a

shithouse rat and let you down.

Aunt Veknuckle, '87.

He's a complicated, beautiful man

and he is not gonna let me down.

As National Grand Sacajawea of all Girl Squaws,

I apologize for the total bummer of

not getting Shakira like I said.

But, as payback to the guys

who lied and let us down...

I propose that we direct our efforts to Congress

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes