Accidental Love Page #8

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to get the nail out, for Alice, and

all Americans, in such trouble.

This is Alice. Let's welcome her to the Squaws.

If you're on a Girl Squaw campout and

an ax gets imbedded in your femur...

or your face is badly burned

in a s'mores accident,

you will be protected by this bill

even if your family is badly insured.

And we have a new special edition cookie

to replace the discontinued

hazardous moon base cookies.

It's the Alice Nail in the Head cookie.

Soft and non-chuckable.

We will use these cookies to build

support for our healthcare bill.

Here, here.

- Here, here.

- Here, here.

Damn it. Girl Squaws are knocking the moon base

- literally off the front pages.

- And the blogs.

And they're camping in front of the

Capitol, if you can believe that.

Females are running nine to one in favor

of the Alice bill over the moon base.

- We gotta do something.

- Well, I did deploy the poison oak spray.

We're not animals.

We have to do something to

knock them off at the knees.

- It's so wrong.

- Why don't we just kill them?

Hey, that topic's over. Let's focus.

Do they really have a viral video

out against the moon base?

Yes, that is true. It is very popular

and it's doing a lot of damage.

Curses.

She's got a nail in her head and her

family's got a piece of crap HMO.

We have no choice but to perform

unlicensed home surgery. Scalpel, please.

Quickly, quickly.

She's hemorrhaging!

But at least we have a moon base!

Well, they can camp on YouTube all they want.

I'll make sure nobody will introduce their bill.

Howard's in hiding. No way he'll help them.

What about the pro healthcare

guy across the aisle?

Oh, they're pushovers.

I already threatened to cut public housing

and dangle the multicultural rainbow package

and they were so freaking happy

to take it, it was pathetic.

Yeah, but these Squaws, they're tough.

We need something strong to stop them.

Hold it.

I've got something.

- There's pasta primavera right there.

- Extra spicy.

Some people want us to raise taxes

to pay for socialist medicine.

Maybe these people are bad

news because they're lesbians.

Marsha Weber is the number two leader

of the movement behind Alice Eckle,

raised in a family lesbian cult led by this woman.

Committed to spreading lesbianism, door

to door, by other Girl Squaws of America.

Marsha Weber has been an influence for many years.

Stop the gay poison.

Tell your representatives you are

against the Catastrophic Care bill.

Listen up, girls. More calamine lotion

for the poison oak has just arrived.

You can get some at the first aid tent.

I don't know. It might be true.

- How do I know?

- Hopefully, that won't hurt us too much.

I mean you be you, Marsha. That's

what I mean. I support you.

Tell us about the tragedy of your gayness.

Don't hold my hand anymore, Marsha.

Hey, come on. Stick together, you guys.

I will not rest until I hunt down

whoever made this deplorable ad

slamming a nine-year-old girl. It was disgusting.

Though in no way do I support

child lesbianism. Thank you.

I need a new sign. I'm lost.

We're all lost. Congress

is back, but Howard's not.

Pam Henry either bribed or scared

anyone who might sponsor our law.

I keep blacking out for a second.

Thanks.

Marsha, have your trackers

found anything on Howard?

They picked up his trail through

credit card transactions,

- but they lost it in Virginia.

- God!

I understood the word "Howard."

Alice!

Your super cute boyfriend's here to see you.

Howard.

Scott.

- What are you doing here?

- Just bringing you some comfort food.

Chili cheeseburger with salsa fries.

They might be a little cold, but...

they still taste like home.

- Alice, don't you miss home?

- Of course I do.

Alice, I'm sorry, I screwed up.

You know, you're... you're a lot

of woman for a man to handle.

And, honestly, I wasn't up for it, before.

But I am now. I'm so proud of you.

I just... I really am.

Come on, we can be at Rusty's in 10 hours.

Scott, this is a lot to take in right now.

It's freaking me out.

OK, well, I don't want to freak you out.

Just take your time. I'm here for you.

I know it's going to get rough.

Tomorrow's Harris polls shows you

- dead even with the opposition.

- Wait a minute. What?

Nobody knows tomorrow's Harris

numbers unless they're in Congress.

Did somebody put you up to this to mess with me?

No, no way. One of your little girl spies

told me about the polls when I got here.

It's a lie! He...

Hey, you shut, shut your mouth! That's not

even true. We talked for a minute. Go.

Alright. Pam Henry brought me here.

I'm not a very good liar, Alice.

But look, they offered to make me post

commander and fund the entire squadron,

for photon tasers and Oakleys, if I

could just get you to come home.

And I thought, that's not a bad thing.

I want you home.

Those rat bastards. What about my injury, Scott?

What about all the people

here that I'm trying to help?

Well...

Where is the guy who will just

think bigger than just himself?

That's me. I'm right here. I wanna

be that guy, Alice, please.

Give me another shot. I can be that guy.

I want to give you foot massages.

I want to take baths with you. I want to take

your issue to the City Council, or something.

I want you back, nail and all.

- Please...

- I miss you.

- I love you more than anything.

- Please don't.

- My precious honeycomb cluster.

- God.

- Honeycomb cluster.

- Stop.

Honeycomb cluster. Honeycomb...

I learned it for you.

I want to support you. What do you need?

- She needs a sponsor!

- Guys, please, can I have a second?

It's true. I need a sponsor.

Oh, my God, what are you hooked on? Coke? Meth?

Not a rehab sponsor, a sponsor for my law.

Nobody in Congress will introduce it.

Our only hope's disappeared. Our

trackers lost his trail in Virginia.

- Let me help. What's this guy's name?

- Howard Birdwell.

I can probably use the brotherhood of

troopers to find this Howard Birdwell.

Scotty, if you would do that, I will be

grateful to you for the rest of my life.

The rest of our lives... together.

That's how it's gonna be. I'm

gonna find this guy, alright?

You should marry him even if he does

bring Howard back. He is a dreamboat.

Don't you have water rations

to deliver or something?

Breaker 1-9, this is Officer Scott

Beardsley, Indiana State Trooper.

Calling all my brothers for a 20

on Congressman Howard Birdwell.

Government plates G-9-5-7-5.

Activate LoJack, Alpha Bravo 6-4-9er. Over.

- Roger, Beardsley. Over.

- Copy that.

How you doing, ladies?

Where's Howard Birdwell?

It's best if you wait here.

Hey, Howard.

I'm Congressman Birdwell. Is

there a problem, Officer?

Wh-what is this, like a sex cult

thing or wh-what's the deal here?

It's a men's spiritual workshop.

How can I help you?

Alice needs you to introduce her bill

tomorrow and I'm here to get you...

- No, no. I can't go. I can't leave now.

- What do you mean? She... why?

Well, I came here to find my core and

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