Accidental Love Page #9

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I'm only two-thirds of the way there.

I have no idea what that means, but can

that happen, like, in the next half hour?

I am going as fast as I can.

They're not handing out cores left and right

like they are at those other workshops.

This is the real deal. And a lot depends on

what happens in the Circle of Shaman Fire.

- The circle of what?

- It's a special test where...

Hey, let him go!

This is why he's here.

Don't-don't mess him up.

Back off! I need to see what I'm made of!

Get him in the legs! Go for the legs! Get up!

Feint to the head, go for the body!

Feint to the head!

I can't watch you get hurt, buddy.

You're needed in Washington.

Let me do this!

It's dangerous to go until he

earns the trophy of his power.

Alright, you know what? I've never

been to one of these things before,

but I think you need to just take those

yourself without anyone's permission,

without this antler guy or

any of these loin cloths.

You do it on your terms. That's

how you become your own man.

Yeah.

That's right, man! That's how it's done!

Yeah! Get him!

This is a big setback for all of us

and a huge blow for me, personally.

We love you, Alice!

And your love definitely hasn't

let me down, even if my guy did.

But I think we're gonna have to

settle for what we've accomplished,

without introducing our bill.

I am the fire warrior!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Howard. Howard.

I am the fire warrior!

I'm Howard Birdwell, Congress Man!

I have in my hand a pair of moose balls.

They give me the power to announce

that I'll be resigning from my party

and becoming Independent, which

will probably destroy my career!

- Wow.

- Yeah!

Tomorrow...

I will introduce, on the

floor of Congress, a bill...

that provides basic emergency healthcare

for all people.

Especially this woman... who put

a nail through my heart.

Hey, hey, hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no!

- She's my girl, alright?

- Scott.

I got you for her bill. That's it.

No extracurriculars!

- Scott, please.

- Hey, that's not right!

- He's a fire warrior!

- You're actually with this-this antelope?

This guy that I found running

around the woods in a diaper?

That's your guy? He wouldn't have made it to...

You wouldn't have made it through the

Ring of Fire if it wasn't for me.

That's not true. I passed three fire

tests before you even got there.

- I saved you, man!

- Scott! Scott.

He gave me my first orgasm.

- What's an orgasm?

- What the heck?

What?

And her second.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but I didn't

think you were gonna go and get him.

So you used me.

I didn't mean to, but I guess

I learned a couple of...

- manipulative tactics, here.

- From me.

- I'm so sorry, Scott. It's not easy.

- No, it's not easy.

You will always be the man I almost

married before I got a nail in my head.

Howard's the big-picture guy and

he's taking care of me now.

He's the big-picture guy?

I'm gonna tell you something. He's only

two-thirds of a man. He knows he is.

He's not gonna be there for you.

You mark my words.

I'm gonna be right here waiting for you

because I'm strong like that. Right, ladies?

You can't break up with Scotty. He's too cute!

- No, Howard's cuter.

- Scott's cuter.

Unlike some people who need to be rescued

like a little baby from the Ring of Fire.

Come on, everybody! Wake up!

Do your thing, girl.

- Pretty cool, isn't it?

- Yeah.

Howard. Oh, my God. There she is.

How are we gonna get anything

done with her as Speaker?

Let's just see how this goes.

As Majority Whip...

and acting Speaker of the

House of Representatives...

I declare this 110th Congress...

be called to order.

As this new session begins,

I want to demonstrate, what a fair

Speaker I intend to be, so that members

will keep that in mind, when they

vote for my confirmation, next week.

So in that spirit... is there any new business?

Madam Speaker,

I move to propose a basic Catastrophic

Care bill for all Americans!

Order! Order, please! We

have a motion on the floor.

Madam Speaker, please wait!

I hold in my hand some important

revelations that I believe

will affect the new bill Mr. Birdwell introduced.

- What have they got?

- I have no idea.

- You have no idea?

- I have no idea.

I'm-I'm...

This appears to be a signed affidavit...

showing that Mr. Birdwell

promised another woman lobbyist,

not just nine months ago,

that he would introduce a bill for

her, in exchange for sexual favors.

This pattern clearly continues today

with Mr. Birdwell's introduction

of this frivolous measure.

It is shocking that anyone can purchase

a congressman's influence with sex.

None of this is true!

Apparently, we have the woman, right here.

I never had a lobbyist like that.

She's something.

Madam Speaker, only members are

allowed to address Congress!

It's highly irregular... but I'm going to allow it,

given the severity of the charges and

how many tax dollars you've wasted.

Miss, what legislation did you use your hot body

to get Mr. Birdwell to introduce here?

He helped one of my clients

to develop handgun factories

in endangered spotted owl preserves.

I was told that the only

way that I could get funds,

for my colored glues and for good school stuff,

was if I put it aside in some...

private development deal,

which I now realize, was a factory for handguns.

It seems Mr. Birdwell's convictions

can be bought fairly easily if

you've got a nice pair of legs.

Look, you tried to do something good

and you got twisted up in the system.

This is just one woman. No big deal.

This isn't the only woman lobbyist Mr.

Birdwell slept with.

Howard.

This second woman...

got Mr. Birdwell to introduce a bill on...

- Dynamite fishing.

- You monster!

It was for polluted lakes with toxic fish.

And I had to get on the

board of that dynamite bill

if I was gonna get heard, at

all, on my colored glues.

Yeah, whatever!

- Alice.

- Alice, you alright?

- Wait!

- I am no one's tool.

I was trying to do something good.

And I had to support these other

bills that I hoped would go nowhere.

And you're doing it again today.

Just so you can get yourself a piece

of 25-year-old, roller waitress, ass.

This is different.

How are we supposed to know that? You

sell your influence all over the place.

You stand there now with your arm

around that red-dressed hussy.

This sounds like a possible

censure, involving ethics charges.

I'm afraid it does.

- Too bad! He deserves it!

- Scott, stop it!

Madam Speaker, I'd like to say something.

I am sorry. That's out of order. You can't

address the House. Rules are rules.

You let those other hot ladies speak!

Why can't Alice?

- Right.

- Otherwise, I can't fix my broke ass!

And other peoples' broken issues!

Even the most partisan battles demand fairness!

A-and you yourself said, your conduct here today

will-will be remembered tomorrow,

when we vote to confirm!

Here, here!

Here, here!

One minute.

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