Ace Ventura: Pet Detective Page #14

ACE:

Blue forty-two!!

Einhorn turns to Ace.

EINHORN:

SHUT UP!!

ACE:

BLUE FORTY-TWO!

Einhorn shoots at Ace! He dives out of the way.

ACE:

HUT! HUT!

Suddenly, Snowflake leaps out of the water and takes the gun out of

Einhorn's hand, like the trick

we saw earlier. Snowflake swims around the pool with the gun in his

mouth.

ACE:

(smug)

Yes. The highly trained dolphin.

Perhaps the smartest mammal in the

animal kingdom. See how he knew

exactly what I wanted him to do,

as if our minds were somehow in

complete synchronization. They

have been know to save men at sea

you know. They have their own

language.

(to Snowflake)

Snowflake. Come here, Snowflake!

Bring me the gun!

(makes dolphin sounds)

EEEEEE! EEEEEE! EEEEEE!

Just like the trick in his routine, however, Snowflake swims around

the tank, passes Ace, then

hands the gun back to Einhorn. He finishes with a tail walk.

ACE:

(under his breath)

Stupid fish.

ON TV:
Miami's kicker boots a perfect field goal from fifty yards.

JOHN MADDEN:

He got all of his leg into that

one!

The field goal kicker is hugged by his teammates.

ACE:

Good to see someone who doesn't

buckle under the pressure?

MARINO:

Yeah, not like in 82 when we

choked�

Einhorn walks to Ace and puts the gun against his head.

EINHORN:

What would you know about

pressure?

ACE:

Well, I've kissed a man.

JOHN MADDEN (ON TV)

Of course, there's never been a

more crucial kick than the famous

"Kick heard 'round the world�"

The famous footage airs on TV. They all turn to watch.

JOHN MADDEN:

�I mean, it's clear to me that

it was a good hold. Finkle just

booted it.

EINHORN:

The laces weren't out. THE LACES

WEREN'T OUT!!

Einhorn takes a shot at the screen, creating a hole in Madden's

forehead. Ace uses the moment to

smack the gun out of her hand.

A HUGE, NO-HOLDS-BARRED FIGHT ensues. Ace and Einhorn punch each other

about the

face and stomach.

Einhorn throws a punch at Ace. Ace goes down.

Einhorn goes for the loose gun. Ace leaps and tackles her.

They both crash into old rusty equipment, raising a mountain of dust.

Marino struggles all the

while trying to get free.

Einhorn kicks Ace. He flies into Marino.

MARINO:

Having a little trouble with the

lady, Ace?

ACE:

(out of breath)

You don't understand, she's a �

Einhorn grabs Ace, throws him into a head lock and begins wailing on

his face.

Meanwhile, cops start arriving, SWAT team members disperse onto the

catwalk as the fight

continues. They try but can't get a bead on Ace as the two roll around

on the floor.

More punches. They fight up a flight of stairs, then back down. To the

amazement of the SWAT

team, Ace and Einhorn slug it out as equals.

AGUADO:

(caught up)

Get him, Lois!

Now they crash through a plate glass window together. Ace gets to his

knees first and wobbles

toward the gun. It's the first clear shot the SWAT team has had.

EINHORN:

(screaming)

Shoot him! Shoot him!

We all hear the guns cocked. We see Ace in the rifle sights. We see

fingers twitch on triggers.

A loud voice comes from off camera.

EMILIO:

DON'T SHOOT! HOLD YOUR FIRE!

Melissa is holding Emilio's gun under his chin.

MELISSA:

Put down your guns or this cop

gets it!

The SWAT team hesitates.

MELISSA (CONT'D)

I mean it!!

Much to Emilio's surprise, she c*cks the gun.

EMILIO:

(whispers to Melissa)

Ah� Melissa? That's a hair

trigger.

(loud to cops)

She's not joking!

The SWAT team leader signals his men. They lower their guns. Einhorn

gets back to her feet.

EINHORN:

He kidnapped Snowflake. He killed

Roger Podacter, and he was about

to kill Dan Marino and me!

ACE:

Ho, ho! Fiction can be fun! But

I find the reference section much

more enlightening.

(doing his best Clarence Darrow)

For instance, if you were to look

up 'professional football's all

time bonehead plays', you might

read about a Miami Dolphin kicker

named Ray Finkle, who missed a

twenty-six yard field goal in the

closing seconds of Super Bowl

Seventeen.

(in one breath)

What you wouldn't read about is

how Ray Finkle lost his mind, and

was committed to a mental

institute, only to escape and join

the police force under the assumed

identity of a missing hker,

seducing her way to the top, in a

diabolical plan to get even with

Dan Marino whom he blamed for the

entire thing!!!

Ace gasps for air. Everyone is totally confused.

AGUADO:

What the hell are you trying to

say?

ACE:

She's not Lois Einhorn! She's Ray

Finkle! She's a man!

EINHORN:

He's lying! Shoot him!

Ace walks over to her.

ACE:

Let's just see who's lying. Would

a real woman have to wear one of

these?

Ace dramatically pulls at Einhorn's hair, thinking it's a wig.

Einhorn's head flies back. The hair is

real. Ace keeps tugging it.

The SWAT team ready themselves.

ACE (CONT'D)

Boy, that's really on there! But

tell me this:
Would a real woman

be missing these?!

Ace rips open Einhorn's blouse, and reveals two beautiful feminine

breasts.

The sharp shooters are tensing. Ace is laughing nervously now.

ACE:

Ha, ha, ha! That kind of surgery

can be done over the weekend! But

I doubt if she could find the time

during her busy schedule to get

rid of Mr. Knish!!

Ace rips off Einhorn's skirt. Einhorn now stands there fully nude. She

appears to be the perfect

figure of a woman.

ACE:

Oooh boy.

Ace looks at Melissa and Emilio and shrugs his shoulders. Then, just

when it seems all is lost, Dan

Marino who is back behind Einhorn, motions for Ace to come over.

MARINO:

Psst� Ace. Come here.

ACE:

(to everyone)

Could you excuse me just a second.

Ace goes to Dan. Melissa still holds Emilio hostage.

EINHORN:

Shoot him. Shoot him, now!!

MELISSA:

(to cops)

Don't anybody make a move!

Marino whispers something in his ear. Ace looks confident again. He

once more addresses the

crowd.

ACE:

Ladies and gentlemen, my esteemed

colleague Mr. Marino, has just

brought some new evidence to my

attention. Now, history has

certainly shown that even the most

intuitive criminal minds can be

wrong, from time to time. But, if

I have been mistaken� if the

lieutenant is indeed a woman�

then my friends, she is suffering

from the worst case of hemorrhoids

I have ever seen!!!

Ace spins Einhorn around now, exposing to the world, the healthy set

of male genetalia that Finkle

has learned to keep tucked between his legs. (And if we have any

balls, we'll actually show it.)

Everyone gasps. CLOSE UP ON EINHORN/FINKLE. He finally drops the

facade.

FINKLE:

(deepest voice possible)

It was Marino's fault. The laces

were in.

(breaking down now)

They were IN!!!

Quick cuts of all the cops spitting with disgust. Then Emilio spits.

Then CLOSE ON Marino spitting. They all have kissed her/him/it. Even

Snowflake blows his

spout.

Ace confidently cracks a sunflower seed.

ACE:

Somebody read it its rights.

Suddenly, Finkle picks up a shard of broken glass and lunges at Ace.

FINKLE:

DIE ANIMAL BOYYYYY!!!

Thinking fast Ace sidesteps Finkle and sends him head first into

Snowflake's makeshift tank. After

a few seconds Finkle fights his way to the surface and thrashes

around, helplessly.

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