Ace Ventura: Pet Detective Page #13

JOHN MADDEN (ON TV)

�But the real story of this game

is the absence of Dan Marino. Him

being kidnapped and all has got to

be a strain on this Miami team. I

really feel sorry for those guys! I

mean, it's hard enough enduring

the pressure of the Super Bowl,

without your star quarterback

gettin' himself kidnapped. This

is the whole ball of wax, folks!

You wanna' get kidnapped, you do

it in the off season!�

Marino looks incredulously at the screen. Next to him, Snowflake

"watches" from a ground level

cistern serving as an ad hoc tank.

Ace sneaks closer.

INT. BOBBY RIDDLE STADIUM - DAY

The crowd quiets as Jon Bon Jovi prepares to sing the National Anthem.

Various shots of fans all standing at attention.

In the owners box, Melissa looks to Emilio. Nothing's new.

INT. INDUSTRIAL PLANT - DAY

Einhorn is now in front of the big screen TV SINGING the National

Anthem along with Bon Jovi.

The thugs, VINNIE and ROC, are behind her standing at attention.

The song ends. The crowd cheers.

In a sultry fashion Einhorn circles Marino now.

EINHORN:

I just love Super Bowl Sunday,

don't you, Dan? A magical

afternoon where dreams are made�

or crushed!

DAN:

Look lady, if you want tickets,

you're going about it in the wrong

way.

EINHORN:

Do I look familiar to you, Dan?

Does it seem as if we've met

someplace before?

DAN:

I don't know� I get hit in the

head a lot!

On the TV the ref makes an announcement.

REF:

It's tails. The Eagles will

receive.

Dan really struggles now.

EINHORN:

Oops. Looks like we're going to

have to kick, Dan.

Einhorn steps behind a football set up on a tee. And in perfect sync

with the kicker on TV, she

boots a ball through a window of the warehouse.

Marino doesn't know what to think.

EINHORN:

I made some refreshments, Dan.

Would you like some refreshments,

Dan? I'll be right back,

Daaaan!!

She goes. Dan struggles, but to no avail.

MARINO:

Look, I don't know how much psycho

woman is paying you guys, but I

can double it.

VINNIE:

Sorry, Danny boy. Psycho woman

keeps us out of prison.

Vinnie grabs a feeder fish and entices Snowflake to the surface. Roc

raises a football.

ROC:

Hey, Marino, check it out. I'm

throwin' passes to a Dolphin!

He chucks the ball and hits Snowflake, hard. The thugs both laugh

hysterically.

Snowflake makes an angry leap and drenches the thugs. Snowflake laughs

now, the thugs are

furious.

VINNIE:

Get some more fish!

INT. BEHIND MACHINERY - CONTINUOUS

Roc walks behind a big piece of machinery, reaches down for the pail

of smelts, but sees nothing.

ROC:

Where the hell's the smelts?

He stands up straight and we all hear that familiar "Pop" of a

sunflower seed being cracked open.

Roc's eyes widen. He turns and sees�

Ace coyly smiles at him, blows the sunflower seed shells into his face

and CLANG! He whacks

Roc in the head with a pail full of fish.

ACE:

(doing Brando)

He sleeps with the fishes.

INT. INDUSTRIAL PLANT - CONTINUOUS

VINNIE:

Hey Roc, what the hell was that?

Vinnie c*cks his gun and goes to check out the sound.

INT. BEHIND MACHINERY - CONTINUOUS

Vinnie rounds the corner and sees nothing. He walks a little further

and notices a trail of smelts

lined up on the ground.

He follows the trail around a corner and we see Roc, unconscious but

moaning. He is sitting

against the ground, with his legs spread apart and the pail over his

head. The trail of smelts leads

to his crotch. There is one halfway into his zipper, with its tail

flipping.

Vinnie takes in this sight, then rushes over to Roc and stands him up.

VINNIE:

Hey man! What happened? What's

goin on�?

We see Ace at the top of a giant machine. He is aiming a 200 pound

steel hook, that hangs on a

chain from the ceiling.

ACE:

Guess what, boys, it's nap time.

Ace gently releases the hook. Just as Vinnie and Roc turn to look, the

iron hook shears both of

their heads clean off.

Two headless bodies fall to the ground in slow motion with blood

gushing from their necks.

CLOSE ON ACE - HORRIFIED

ACE:

Hooooly Shiiit! Oh my god! I

didn't mean to - Oh man!!!

Ace holds his head and dances around, completely freaking out what he

had done.

ACE:

(looking to God)

Lord, I swear! I just wanted to

knock them out!

Ace abruptly stops to think.

ACE:

Is that murder? I don't know.

They were gonna kill me. But they

didn't� But they tried. That's

self defense. That's it!! I have

nothing to worry about!!

CUT TO:

Ace nervously whistling as he wipes his fingerprints off the hook.

INT. IRONWORKS FACTORY - FACTORY

Ace checks on Snowflake then goes to Marino. He signals for Dan to

keep quiet, then starts to

untie him.

MARINO:

(whispers)

Who are you?

ACE:

(whispers)

Ace Ventura. Pet detective. I've

been sent in with a special play.

(whispers)

Quarterback sneak.

WE HEAR THE CLICK OF A GUN.

EINHORN (O.S.)

Penalty. Too many men on the

field.

Ace turns. Einhorn's holding a gun on them from the other side of

Snowflake's tank.

EINHORN (CON'T)

I warned you, Ventura.

ACE:

What happened to "Ace"?

EINHORN:

Good question.

She pulls out a cellular phone and dials.

ACE:

Be careful with that phone,

lieutenant. I wouldn't want you

to get a tumor.

EINHORN:

(into phone)

Sergeant Aguado, it's Lt. Einhorn.

Get some men over to the old

ironworks factory on Victoria

Road. I've got the kidnapper

trapped in the warehouse. It's

Ace Ventura. He's killed Marino

and Snowflake.

Einhorn smiles as she puts the phone away.

EINHORN:

Vinnie! Roc! Get in here!

Ace gets a very guilty look.

ACE:

What? Who are they? You mean

there's other people here?

EXT. POLICE STATION - DAY

A battalion of cop cars screech away as we hear�

RADIO DISPATCHER

(V.O.)

Attention all units. Code 11 in

progress at 343 Victorville Road.

Officer needs back-up�

INT. BOBBY RIDDLE STADIUM OWNER'S BOX - DAY

The cops and Emilio listen to their ear pieces�

RADIO DISPATCHER

(V.O.)

�Suspect's name: Ace Ventura,

male Caucasian, he is armed and

dangerous�

Emilio nudges Melissa.

EMILIO:

It's Ace. Let's go.

INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Emilio high tails it out of there. Dodging concession stand patrons,

bathroom lines, etc� Melissa

runs behind, trying to catch up.

MELISSA:

Emilio, is he in trouble?

EMILIO:

Don't worry, there's nothing Ace

can't handle!

INT. IRONWORKS FACTORY - DAY

Einhorn c*cks her gun. Ace's face is glistening with tears. He's a

complete wreck.

ACE:

Don't kill meeee!!

Pleeheeheeheeheeeezzz!!! I'll

never tell anyone! I swear!

(indicating Marino)

He's the one you want!! Kill

him!!

MARINO:

(indicating Ace)

No� kill him!

The two argue. Einhorn fires a shot in the air to stop them.

EINHORN:

No, I'm gonna kill the dolphin

first.

(to Ace)

I wouldn't want you to miss that.

Einhorn walks to the edge of the tank. She aims the gun at Snowflake

and FIRES!

We see the bullet miss Snowflake under water.

Snowflake swims wildly. She FIRES again! Misses again. Suddenly, Ace

HOLLERS!

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