Ace Ventura: Pet Detective Page #12

ACE:

This is Chicken Little. The sky

is falling.

EMILIO:

What?

BACK TO EMILIO:

A beat as he listens to Ace's news.

EMILIO:

I don't get it. What's it mean?

INTERCUT ACE/EMILIO

ACE:

It means she's involved in this.

The article's dated the day before

Finkle disappeared.

EMILIO:

Before who disappeared?

ACE:

Finkle. Ray Finkle� the guy who

took the dolphin? The guy you're

supposed to be looking for?!

Einhorn didn't tell you, did she?

EMILIO:

Hey, Ace. I see where you're

goin' with this and you're goin'

alone.

A Crazy Guy stands next to Ace now and begins mimicking everything he

says.

ACE:

Come on, E. I tell her about

Finkle, she doesn't tell a soul.

I have an article here that

connects her with Finkle. You

gotta' check her out.

(to Crazy Guy mimicking)

Do you mind?

The Crazy Guy stops and moves to one of the phones.

EMILIO:

Ace, I like my job. I get health

insurance and benefits.

CRAZY GUY:

(into receiver)

I'm the Lindberg Baby. Come and

get me.

ACE:

Emilio, Einhorn is involved.

You're gonna' have to make a

decision here.

(beat)

Listen, I gotta get off the phone.

I think I just solved the Lindberg

case.

Melissa and the Doctor return.

DOCTOR:

Well, look who's trying to use the

phone.

Ace covers the phone receiver and whispers to them in a heartfelt

voice.

ACE:

Brian Piccalo is dead.

Ace breaks down. Melissa hangs up the phone and leads him away.

We hear a thrash version of the theme to "Brian's Song" as they exit

the hospital.

INT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT

Emilio stands at a window, watching Einhorn drive off. The coast is

clear so he sneaks into�

INT. EINHORN'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

He rifles through her file cabinet. He tears through papers. Then he

looks in her desk.

Stuffed in the back of the drawer he finds a personal note: We can

make out the signature.

"Roger". He pockets it and walks out.

EXT. MELISSA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Ace and Melissa pull up in the old heap.

ACE:

Good job today. You're quite a

dirty rotten filthy liar.

MELISSA:

(flattered)

Thanks. Are you sure you don't

want to stay here with me?

ACE:

Naw, I got some thinking to do.

Besides, you'd be safer with

Salman Rushdie

MELISSA:

Okay.

She gets out of the car, then turns and leans in the window.

MELISSA:

Listen� I know there isn't much

time left. The game is tomorrow.

But I know you've done your best.

It's just an impossible situation.

I don't expect..

ACE:

Hey�

Ace leans over and kisses her.

ACE (CONT'D)

�bet on the Dolphins.

INT. ACE'S APARTMENT - LATE NIGHT

CLOSE UP:
ANSWERING MACHINE

Wiggles' nose enters frame and hits the play button.

MESSAGE #1

(Shickadance rasp)

Venturaaaa? Your time is up!

You're out! You hear me?! No

rent� no roof!

We widen to find Ace on the couch listening.

MESSAGE #2

Ace, it's E. Got something you

might find interesting. It's a

note from Podacter to Einhorn,

thanking her for a wonderful

Saturday night. This is too

weird, man?

ACE:

Wiggles, rewind.

Wiggles obediently hits another button and rewinds the phone tape. Ace

pops sunflower seeds,

and holds some evidence aloft thinking. A bird eats seeds out of his

naval.

ACE:

What the hell does Lois Einhorn

have to do with Ray Finkle? Come

on, think!

DISSOLVE TO:

Later. Ace is posed like Rodin's "The Thinker".

ACE:

Finkle and Einhorn. In it

together. How? Why?

A small monkey sits in the same position. Mocking Ace.

DISSOLVE TO:

Later still. Ace pacing, jumping up and down. Trying to get his

intuitive juices flowing. The

monkey is likewise, jumping on the mantle.

ACE:

Alright! Here we go! Answer's

right there! Just gotta get some

blood to the brain! Finkle and

Einhorn! Finkle and Einhorn!

Finkle and Einhorn! Finkle and

Einhorn!

The animals all watch him like he's crazy.

DISSOLVE TO:

Daybreak. Ace sits staring at a picture of Finkle on the coffee table.

He's totally spent and on the

verge of tears.

ACE:

(whimpering)

Finkle and Einhorn. Einhorn and

Finkle.

He turns to see the monkey crashed out in a heap on a sofa pillow.

ACE:

(to sleeping monkey)

Quitter.

Wiggles jumps up onto the coffee table now. Ace can't be bothered with

him.

ACE:

What do you want? Huh?

Wiggles whines at the tone of Ace's voice.

ACE (CONT'D)

What? I got no food for you. You

gotta have money to buy food. I

gotta find the dolphin to get the

money. I don't see any dolphins

around here, do you? Face it,

it's hopeless� your master is a

LOSER.

Ace buries his face in his hands. His dog Wiggles does the same. Then

Ace looks up again.

ACE:

LOO� HOO�

Suddenly he is silenced by something amazing.

Wiggles' dark haired floppy ears are lying around Finkle's picture

like a wig. Ace combs the hair

over the head shot. The "make-over" is unmistakable. It's Einhorn!!

ACE:

Oh, my god! That's it!

He jumps up, estatic.

ACE:

Einhorn is Finkle! Finkle is

Einhorn!� Einhorn is a man!!!

Ace's expression quickly turns sour.

ACE:

OH MY GOD!!! EINHORN IS A MAN!!!

MUSIC UP:
AEROSMITH'S DUD LOOKS LIKE A LADY�

Ace makes a mad dash into the bathroom.

INT. ACE'S BATHROOM - MORNING - QUICK CUTS

�Ace furiously brushes his teeth.

�Ace rinses with mouthwash, spits it out and gags.

�Ace is in the shower. He slowly curls up into a ball under the

steaming water with an expression

of horror on his face.

INT. EINHORN'S HOUSE - DAY

CLOSE UP:

A woman's leg being shaved.

Woman sexily putting on nylons.

Woman hands squeezing perfume bulb.

Woman's hand putting on AFC championship ring. One stone is missing.

EXT. EINHORN'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Ace sticks wads of gum in his mouth while he watches Einhorn's house

from his car.

ACE:

(remembering)

You're gun is sticking into my hip.

Yeeeekkkk!

Einhorn comes out her front door and gets into her car. Ace shudders

once more and then follows

her.

EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY

The road is jammed in one direction. Going towards the Super Bowl.

Einhorn drives in the

opposite direction. Out of town. Ace tails her at a safe distance,

with his head out the window, of

course.

INT. BOBBY RIDDLE STADIUM - DAY

Various shots of crazy fans, piling into the stadium.

INT. STADIUM OWNER'S BOX - DAY

Melissa, BOBBY RIDDLE, and GUESTS all amidst the usual pre-game

hobnobbing. Most of the

talk centers on the loss of Marino.

Emilio, in full uniform, and a couple cops are providing extra

security for the box.

EXT. HIGHWAY ONE - DAY

Einhorn drives south out of town. The area's getting remote. Ace

follows.

Einhorn turns down a deserted road and comes to�

EXT. INDUSTRIAL PLANT - DAY

A large, abandoned industrial facility. Einhorn parks, disappears

inside�

A few beats later, Ace kills the engine and exits singing the score to

"Mission Impossible".

INT. INDUSTRIAL PLANT - DAY

Immense machines and swimming pool sized cauldrons.

Ace cautiously makes his way through the desolate site, singing

quietly now. He stops when he

hears a familiar voice.

JOHN MADDEN (O.S.)

I particularly like the match-ups

of the defense.

Ace sees a weird sight: A HUGE TV PROJECTION SCREEN tuned to the Super

Bowl pre-game

show. Marino is tied to a football tackling sled. The two thugs take

turns running into Dan with

their shoulders, driving him back five feet each time.

Rate this script:4.5 / 4 votes